Coming Clean

  “Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised.” Hebrews 6:15

  Now, correct me if I am wrong, Abraham wasn’t that patient.  He went along with Sarah’s plan to have a child through his slave, Hagar, instead of waiting for God’s promise to be fulfilled. The promise being Sarah’s ability to have a child in her old age and that the child would be the first of their descendants who would grow to be more numerous than the stars. (Genesis 18)

  I wonder if this disobedience, this act of disbelief, haunted Abraham after Sarah finally bore him a son, Isaac, just as God had promised. Is this why God tested his faith later on when He asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac? To see if he had learned the discipline of patience? (Genesis 22)

  Hmmm…patience is a discipline. I never thought of it that way because patience and human mortality seem to be at odds with each other. When life is short, time is short and time spent waiting for anything takes forever.

  Today’s word is “trust.”

  There was a looooong pause… Smile… In the span of eternity, it wasn’t that long! But that just proves the point.

  I need to be careful here because I have realized that “patience” and “waiting on the Lord” can manifest itself as apathy. Apathy comes about as a result of living for (being afraid of?) a future that might or might not happen or by waiting for God to make things happen without any contribution on our, my, part.

  Yah. I stand convicted this morning because the truth of the matter is I’ve been wasting a lot of time submerged in useless games on my phone. It’s time to repent, to turn away from them because all they do is steal my heart and mind from God. It’s an old foe, an addiction I used to use to hide from the realities of life when life wasn’t all that good. And that’s the scary part. It is an addiction to the rush of adrenaline when points are scored, when levels are beaten.

  I think I have slipped into old patterns simply because I am feeling overwhelmed by all that is happening and needs to happen regarding the renos, work, going camping next week and the day to day requirements of living. (My blood pressure just spiked, my chest tightened, and the pins and needles of anxiety swept through my arms and legs at the thought. It is extremely unpleasant and perhaps is another reason I have been hiding in the games.)

  Nevertheless, after I finish today, I will delete all the games from my phone and tablet and give thanks that God is a God of endless second chances.

  Being proactive in faith isn’t the same as not being patient.  Being proactive, ideally, has its foundation in trust. Abraham understood this because he was proactive in obeying God’s command yet trusted God that everything would turn out just fine.

  While I may not know what the future will bring, I can give thanks this morning for being able to share, to confess, and ask God to help me break down my responsibilities into manageable pieces.

  God walked with Abraham as he woke early, saddled his donkey, chopped wood and walked for three days. He sustained him as he placed the wood for the sacrificial fire on his son’s shoulders and as he carried the knife which, for all he knew, would be used to kill his son.

  Patience sometimes requires action, a willingness to do, without knowing the ultimate truth of God's plan.

  I also need to repent of repeating to myself how hard it is to ask for help. It’s time that idea got tossed in the trash where it belongs along with all the “ideas” why it is hard. AMEN!

Warning: Corny Metaphor Ahead (Smile)

  “All I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

  Yesterday’s message by Danielle Strickland was thought provoking and insightful. It also affirmed a huge piece of what makes me who I am.

  After I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I took advantage of a local Cognitive Behaviour Therapy group. The purpose of this secular therapy option is to learn how to identify toxic thinking. The next step is to test the idea as to whether or not it is true. The final step is to replace the original stinkin’ thinkin’ with truth and repeat the truth over and over until the old belief gets wiped away. There’s even a chart to fill out to work through these various steps, relying on human reasoning.

  As a believer, I utilized this tool for a while but I wasn’t happy because my main questions were never answered. I needed to know why and how the lies had become my truth.

  Oh.

  Without knowing the why or how or what happened that birthed un-Godly beliefs, I cannot know who to forgive. For me, letting go isn’t the same without it because I firmly believe knowing who to forgive and doing so is an act of release that can only be accomplished by love. In my experience, forgiving, or learning to act in and out of love, is also a process as much as it is a choice. I have modified CBT to reflect the calling of my faith with the quest to forgive, to love others and myself at its very core. There is also another aspect of forgiveness which is really important: knowing when to ask for it.

  I don’t use the chart but rely heavily on the Holy Spirit for revelation because human reasoning on its own is inadequate. It can be influenced by mis-understanding. He has never let me down.

  Danielle even used an onion metaphor for the letting go process which is one of my favorites because you know what happens when you peel an onion? Tears flow. They fall freely to wash way the sting. (I know this has been mentioned this many times before. (Smile.) It bears repeating.)

  And that’s the thing about the lies we believe, they are often reinforced through many different experiences. Yup, onion layers. That’s how they become our truth.

  I’ve also just thought about how onions grow. An onion set, grown from seed, is planted. The set grows in layers. Sometimes the onion is confused and it ends up with a layer of skin somewhere in the middle. The onion believes it has reached its full, stinky potential then along comes the devil, with an evil smirk on his face, saying, “You're not finished yet!”  Wham! Something happens to make the onion continue growing. (Not that onions are self aware but it's okay to have some fun with this.)

  Well, I’ve got news for him. God isn’t finished with me yet, either.

  And another idea has popped into my head. Adding onions makes a terrific soup or stew. Soup doesn’t taste the same without them. Mind you, I like the taste of onions. Some people may not. (Smile.)

  Hmmm…that’s interesting. Somewhere along the line I developed rather black and white thinking about what is good and bad. A weedy dandelion bloom is elevated to the level of a most expensive rose when a toddler gives it to their parent. (I can't help but laugh because, folks, sorry, I couldn’t come up with a metaphor using onions to demonstrate the idea.)

  Out of all this nonsense, I think I finally know exactly what redemption is. It’s making a nourishing and soul comforting soup out of onions. The best part, it's not something to be done on my own because the Holy Spirit and Jesus and a Father who loves me will stir the pot, making sure it never, ever burns.

                                                                                                                      

 

 

A Happy Ending

  “All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope and love—and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:12-13

  The word today is “disorder.”

  I have come to realize part of my attitude towards responsibility has to do with being in control. Needing to feel in control is symptomatic of PTSD. It’s a way of thwarting being triggered and a way to keep life safe. (Smile.) But it would seem in my case, the frantic quest for control ends up leaving me triggered anyways and not feeling safe because of it. That's what happens when we try and go it alone. (And I am not alone any more.)

  The truth of the matter is there is much outside my authority and ability to control.

  I am soooo thankful to finally realize this!

  But there is still a lot I am responsible for. I just need help discerning when, where and how that takes place. Being a mere human, it’s okay that there are limits and boundaries around what I can and cannot do. I need to forgive…a grade school teacher? She wouldn’t let us use the word “can’t.”

  It isn’t a four letter word after all.

  Now that’s an interesting revelation that helps me understand why I have felt such shame for having an illness that has limited what I can do. If memory serves, the teacher was actually speaking about learning math not giving us a life philosophy. Yaaah…math. Not my strong point.

  We had a fire drill at work yesterday. It is my role…hmmmm….sometimes a role can help clearly define realistic responsibilities… Anyways, this is something, as the health and safety rep, I am supposed to run monthly. I have been remiss in doing them because I was afraid I would forget something…terrified actually to the point of paralysis. Guilt and shame only added to the mix. The Beeeee Preeepaaared specter loomed large.

  Thanks to the revelations of this past week, I was able to perform my duties as required with absolutely no stress. It took less than ten minutes and left me smiling and shaking my head over the nonsense that had been such a hurdle. I even asked everyone who had taken part, should there be an actual fire, to make sure anyone who wasn’t present knew where the outside meeting place was. This is very important to confirm everyone has gotten out safely.

  It’s okay to delegate. It’s okay to have help.

  How does all this tie in to the idea of disorder? Or should I say my fear of it?

  Because I have held unrealistic beliefs about what was within my ability and role to be responsible for. I have held unrealistic views about what others are or are not responsible for. There’s the crunch. I didn’t draw these conclusions all on my own. Events, unhealthy relationships, culture, the media, generational attitudes and education created an elusive and impossible ideal that, oh my Lord, I tried so hard to fulfill!

  Smile. But all of this has a good side, too.

  Being responsible, being prepared, has been the catalyst for being a woman who is not afraid to use an electric saw. (There’s just enough fear of the saw that I am cautious, in a smart way.) I am not afraid to try something new, or to learn a new skill. I am competent and capable. Somewhere along the line, I also learned grace because it’s actually okay if there are mistakes. It’s okay to try again. God has given me an ample dose of resiliency. Resiliency’s name is Jesus.

  And I can profess gratitude for God’s blessing because more often than not, I get it right the first time.

  The explorations of the last few days have been amazing if rather convoluted and disordered. I have shed a few tears. I have laughed at myself. I have forgiven...?...yes. That ability is also a gift of God.

  Today is a day of celebration because these explorations have plumbed the depths of my heart and soul and released the massive burdens I have carried for such a long, long time. Today, I am a new creation in Christ. Glory be to God! AMEN!

Putting Away

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.” 1 Corinthians 13:11-12

  I have come to realize the reasoning of childhood can have a profound impact on adult understanding which is exactly what this verse is affirming. How we remember events is shaped by our perspective. It doesn’t make what we remember wrong! Oh, not at all! Our memories are formed through the lens of experience, environment and our level of understanding.

  Have I achieved perfect clarity about the Girl Guide experiences? Not yet but I am getting there. It will take time to unravel and let go of the broken understandings that have had such a profound impact on my world view.

  Today’s word is “shame.”

 

  (A long pause.)

  When my beloved grandmother was dying, her last words to me were, “Be a good girl.”

  Bear with me, folks, this is something I have thought long and hard about since she spoke those words to a child of about eleven or twelve.

  “Being good has nothing to do with being happy.” And the mirror ripples.

  Somewhere along the line, my child brain made this connection:  “Being good can only exist when there is the complete denial of self expression, of need, of want, of questioning, of testing.” Now that’s ugly. But it didn’t end at childhood because my adult experiences only reinforced this.

  Oh, how I hated and feared anyone being the least bit cross with me. It meant I had failed in upholding my responsibilities. Yet why did I think I was responsible for their feelings? Good question. Don’t have an answer.

  Lord, thank You for revealing this lie, for the clarity in knowing just how wrong this is.

  “Happiness, fun and laughter means you aren’t being responsible.” The mirror ripples again. I have to admit this idea set me up to do a whole whack of judging others while in reality being envious of their freedom as my “responsibilities” both real and assumed weighed heavy on my soul.

   I keep circling around the idea that carefree is the same as careless. The adult in me is having a hard time with it. I have no idea why I think being careless is such a condemning, shameful thing right up there with committing murder! I guess it rests on the foundation of being prepared. I mean, there’s careless and then there’s ignoring the necessary.

  Hmmm...ignoring the necessary? What is necessary? Looking both ways before you cross the street is one for sure! I need to think more on this idea though.

  I think carelessness is often an accidental happening or is an accidental happening the result of carelessness? Not always. And I will never forget the sound of water pouring into the basement. Boy, did I beat myself up for not having sandbags ready. No, seriously, I did. Even though the last time the river overflowed was more than thirty years ago.

  Being careless doesn’t mean you don’t care. Accidents happen.

  I think it is far more important that I try and understand where my responsibilities actually are because in Jesus Christ I can truly live care free.

   

Seeing Clearly

  “There is one God, the Father, by whom all things were created, and for whom we live. And there is one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things were created, and through whom we live.” 1 Corinthians 8:6

  It’s taken me a while this morning to approach the keyboard because the word that has been bouncing around my head since I awoke is responsibility. It’s a heavy word and one that has shaped much of my life up to this point. Paired with “Be Prepared” it makes a soul filling, stomach knotting, mind bending burden I am all too eager to be free from.

  Again, the Lord has helped me make sense of past behaviours that have baffled me. Three years ago on a camping trip with two friends, I couldn’t get a fire lit. Night after night saw me frantically using anything to get enough air flow so the smouldering, wet, half rotten wood would burst into a comforting, enjoyable blaze. To no avail. I was stuck with the wood we had because there was nowhere else to buy it except from the campground. My response to this inability verged on full out panic/shame/rage because it was my responsibility.

  I also now realize that the ghosts of the Guide camping trip had played a huge role in why my reactions to not getting a fire going were waaaay over the top. Thank You, Lord for granting me this insight.

  It would really help this morning to get a dose of reality, of truth, because I am terribly angry.

  I am angry the lessons of the Guide organization contributed greatly to being a victim of abuse because I was the responsible one, the “be prepared” one. Neglect and disregard were ignored because of having my life shaped by believing this was how I was to be. And an abuser is very good at placing responsibility for their behaviours on the one being abused. I couldn’t question what was happening because it fit the parameters of how I had been taught I was to behave. More responsibilities were accepted without batting an eye. 

  And the Guide Law with its rules of honesty, loyalty, being trustworthy, being helpful, a friend to all (?), courteous, obedient, always smiling (even under difficulty) had no room for boundaries or discernment or questions or for being safe. Nowhere does it say it’s okay to ask for help.

  Nowhere does it say it’s okay if you need help.

  And despite the Law about being honest, the rest merely encourage dishonesty. They are the building blocks of a public façade where “everything’s juuuuust fine!”

  Oh, Lord, how I have lied. How I have denied the truth or ignored it. But…Grace and Wisdom speaks…not knowing anything better, I could only do what I could with the tools I had at the time. (So, Sue, stop being so hard on yourself. Man, this responsibility thing is a slippery eel!)

  I can also be grateful that from out of that season in my life, many good things have come. But mostly, I can be grateful because Jesus reached out and pulled me into His arms. He continues to do this, too, because responsibility without clear parameters and the vague, yet overwhelming burden of “be prepared” are being stripped away.

  I am far better equipped now, to live life honestly. I am learning and practicing the boundary thing. I am learning that questions are a good thing. Its partner doubt also has an important role to play.

   Perhaps, Lord, I need to ponder on the idea that not living according to the law isn’t such a bad thing after all.

  Lord, let me be honest. Let my loyalty be forever to You. Let me be helpful without being consumed by the need to help. Let me be a friend to You first. The courteous thing is pretty much mastered being Canadian and all. (Smile.) Teach me to discern where and when to be obedient, when it is safe. As for the always smiling piece, it can be tossed right into the trash where it belongs. And Lord? Let love, not law, be the only authority, the only motivator in all I do and say. 

  And love means I can forgive today what I couldn't yesterday: the good intentions of an organization (there is no doubt the Baden-Powells meant well) and an adult without grace or compassion who may have been just as bound by the rules, the law, as I have been. .AMEN!

  One last thing. Part of my role at work is being the Health and Safety rep. I am supposed to run regular fire drills and have been asked to do an emergency lock-down drill. These tasks have been hanging over my head for far too long yet I felt paralyzed and couldn’t face running them. Now I know why. The “be prepared” beast has been snarling in the background.

Impact Crater

    “For the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, ‘Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.’” Ephesians 5:13-14

  Part of receiving the highest achievement award possible in Guides, the Canada Cord, was organizing and running a weekend camping trip for myself and two others. I remember my dad working with his hand planer and a piece of scrap pine for the sole purpose of making a bag of wood shavings for the trip. I think he even showed me how then left me to it. It was my camping trip after all. It was one of the few times he’d taught me anything about tools probably because a hand planer wouldn’t take off a finger. (Smile.) Pine shavings made lighting a fire easy. That was part of the test and necessary for cooking.

  The first night at camp, I had to douse my first fire because a leader was supposed to watch me get it going. No problem, I had a bag full of shavings and plenty of dry newspaper. I remember the leader asking me where the shavings had come from and being impressed that I was so well prepared.

  A friend of mine was also running her own weekend camp at the same time for the same reason. It was the final piece of earning the Canada Cord for both of us. She couldn’t get a fire lit. I asked a leader if it would be okay for me to share my shavings. There were enough I could have lit twenty fires! That request was denied. My friend was condemned for not having the ability to light a fire.

  It troubled me because it seemed to be the antithesis of everything I had been taught Girl Guides were supposed to be: helpful and a friend.

  This same leader came up to me later that night with a rather sheepish grin on her face to borrow some sugar because the adults had forgotten to bring it. Why I even had sugar, I have no idea. It was simply part of being prepared. I wasn’t cheeky enough to deny the leader in light of what happened with my friend, the fire lighting and wanting to help someone else but I was deeply troubled by the hypocrisy. I must still be since this memory is so incredibly vivid.

  This morning, some forty odd years later, I am wondering if this was simply a test to see if I had a complete camp kit. Even if this is true, it still doesn’t change the fundamental wrongness of not being able to help someone…hmmm…no it wasn’t because the leader faded into the the darkness, taking the sugar back to the adults’ campsite.

  I passed with flying colours. My friend did not. She later shared with me that she will never be able to eat tomato soup ever again because they had been forced to eat it cold all because that was the meal planned out in her menu. They weren’t allowed to deviate from “The Plan.” (There’s another scary lesson.)

  Hmmm…Lord, is that why I have such a hard time planning? Is this why I have what amounts to a list phobia? Out of fear of missing something (not being prepared) or believing once a plan is in place there is no licence to change it?

  After we were home, my friend shared it had taken her days to get warm again because they had gone the whole weekend without a fire despite how hard she tried to get one lit. At one point, I think there was a miserable, chilly, foggy drizzle that soaked everything. Using wet wood only mitigated the problem for her and the two girls who were with her. I don’t think she ever came back to Guides after that.

  Today this would be called child abuse. And the leader’s decision was punitive. Yes, the camping trip was a test but I should have been able to share my shavings! My friend could have simply lost points for not being able to light a fire on her own. I should have forced the issue but it was not in me to challenge authority. I am still angry about it and angry at myself, my inability to fight for what was right according to the rest of the Guide Law I still remember to this day because a fire was far more important than a sweetened coffee!!!

  I might have only been thirteen when all this happened yet there is this childhood guilt than has always haunted me; for not helping, for being forced to stand aside when a friend was in need.

  Oh.

  I left that weekend burdened with the wrong lesson: that people who aren’t prepared will suffer and be punished. And fear moved in.

  A good amount of this post was written yesterday because when the Lord begins His process of revelation, it is important for me to see where it goes. It’s like weeding the garden and conscientiously being careful to follow its roots and pluck every single one of them out of the dirt so the weed will never, ever grow back.

  Lord, it isn’t in my heart yet to forgive the Guide leader because I am still trying to understand (it’s important for me to understand) the profound impact this fateful weekend had on my life. I need to be angry for a bit at the injustice and for what “being prepared” has cost me. Oh, Lord, how I grieve! I know, in time, I will be able to forgive. Just not this morning. 

  This morning, I am thirteen again and realize why I was never proud of the red and white cord adorning my Guide uniform. It was a symbol of  betrayal. 

A Gift of Revelation

“But I say, do not make any vows!” Mathew 5:33

  I didn’t get much out of the teaching at church yesterday. It happens. I couldn’t seem to follow what was being talked about. Saturday had been a really rough day with feeling overwhelmed to the point of tears…there are residual nerve firings, like pins and needles, still going on this morning. It has also left me feeling rather sad. Things had been going so well.

  The high anxiety motivated me to contact my contractor to nail down a start date for the renos. It’s been bumped to late August instead of this month. Which is a relief. Knowing this helped with the anxiety level.

   I almost didn’t go to church but felt led to make the effort. Even though the teaching was a bust, Communion was offered. (Thank You, Lord, for insisting I went.) It was wonderful, being able to fully immerse myself in the experience because I wasn’t playing with the band.

  I enjoy singing, too, which doesn’t happen often when I am playing. Can’t toot the flute and sing at the same time. Not that I would give up playing! The flute has its own voice. It’s simply a different way of experiencing the joy of worship, being a small part of a whole. I do “sing along” in my head when playing unless I need to count to hit the notes at the right time. Can’t count and sing or play at the same time either. (Smile.)

  And there, my friends, is the root of all my anxiety: having to do too many things at once. Or maybe it’s deeper than that…

 “Be Prepared,” the Girl Guide motto (vow?) has jumped out of the past. I did the whole gamut of Brownies and Guides so from age six or seven until my mid teens, this concept was etched permanently into my way of thinking. It was repeated every week for nine months of every single one of those years.

  On the surface, it seems like a good idea…

  (Long pause.)

  Now, I find them rather ominous. Even how the motto sounds in my head has a threatening ring to it. Or maybe they always have felt that way. I simply lacked the vocabulary to put these feelings into words because on the heel of...duh-duh-duuuuh... “Beeee Preeeepaaaared” comes an implied threat that if I wasn’t…there would be dire consequences.

  How on earth is a person supposed to cover every single contingency, every single requirement, every single detail in all aspects of life? Even for a life that hasn’t happened yet? And I frantically scramble to try and make this happen while the utter terror of failure wreaks havoc on my body and mind. Sheesh!

  “Be Prepared” is the antithesis of faith. It is the grace eraser. It’s why I am stressing about making sure everything is ready well before the renos start when the reality is, if I have forgotten something or missed something, I can always run to the store. The world won’t end. The renos won’t come screeching to a halt. The contractor will let me know with ample time what is needed next. It would appear that trust is swept away by trying to live up to the impossible, too.

  I can always ask for help. Hmmm…That ability has also been hampered by the burden of personal responsibility when it comes to being prepared. Asking for help means I have failed. 

  Okay. Now I understand what happened when my church family came over to help clean up after the flood last year; where the shame came from. I hadn’t been prepared and the mess in the basement proved it for the world to see. (Eighteen inches of water will do that, silly girl and it was the middle of the night when the water started pouring in.)

  Thank You, Lord, for revealing this because I hadn’t understood why I had felt such shame and it has bothered me ever since. I knew there was something gravely wrong with my response to the gift of help.

  Lord, I firmly believe Lord and Lady Baden Powell who formed the Boy Scout and Girl Guide organizations never meant to cause harm and there was much I enjoyed about being involved in the organization. The camping and crafts especially! I also know I have a tendency to be serious, to take things seriously and literally. Maybe that’s part of the “be prepared” legacy. Being prepared without knowing what to be prepared for takes the fun out of life: care full instead of care free.

  Lord, there will be some time needed to fully understand how this has impacted my life and shaped my behaviours and choices. It feels as though an immense burden is being lifted off my shoulders. (Smile.)Thank You for the revelations that will be part of the healing process. AMEN!

  

 

 

First Steps Again

  “After he (Jesus) was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered he had said this, (about raising the destroyed temple in three days) and they believed both the Scriptures and what Jesus said.” John 2:22

 Even though the disciples walked and talked with Jesus and witnessed His miracles it would appear, according to this passage, they still hadn’t been convinced of His Divinity. Apparently, Thomas wasn’t the only doubting one. Poor Thomas. He really has ended up with short end of the stick. Maybe that’s what faith is…not being sure yet trusting in the process of learning and enlightenment.

  I realized yesterday that my quest to understand love has been more or less an intellectual exercise. To know love, it must be experienced. To experience it means (for me) taking risks… Risks? What risks?

  The risk isn’t in the loving, it is in the letting go of the countless fears broken love has forged in my heart. To be afraid is to stay safe in the box I have made for myself.

  (Long pause.)

  That’s not freedom. It is especially not freedom in Christ. It’s also not entirely true. There is risk to loving, too. Jesus knew this better than anyone.

  Is this why the Disciples were so hesitant to believe Jesus was who He said He was? Because to believe was to set aside everything they had known, everything they did according to the Law as people of the Jewish faith that, in the end, led directly to Jesus. They needed to step out of their own comfortable and well worn boxes.

  For any change to happen there needs to be a catalyst, a spark to fire the engines of new beginnings. Is that a redundant expression? Aren’t all beginnings new? Yah, they are because each time we start over, it is in a different time and space from where we began the first time. All new beginnings are born out of the experiences we have under out belts.

  The Disciples heard Jesus talk to the Pharisees about His resurrection but, like Thomas, they had to have a poke and a prod at the truth He had risen from the grave. Without actually seeing the fulfillment of Scriptures, they were incapable of fully believing in what He said. I guess that puts most of us in very good company.

  I made a sign for work. It’s placed in the transom window over the front door facing the street.

  “Every journey begins with one step.”

  Lord, I want to begin again only this time I want to experience the love that is the full expression of who You are. Teach me how to love others fearlessly and generously. In Jesus’ name I pray, AMEN!

Head to Heart

  “Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commandments.” Deuteronomy 8:2

  Sunday’s notes pose this question: Do we love God? Or do we use God because we love what God can do for us?

  I’ve been mulling this over for several days now. It’s an important question.

  Then I remembered another sermon about when Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him. (John 21:15-17) The first two times Jesus used the Hebrew word for full on, no holds barred, agape love. The third time He used the love word for friendship. Three times Peter said yes.

  Which begs a bigger question. What does love look like?

  There’s a popular book about five love languages detailing different ways that love manifests itself. I haven’t read it but have heard many people talk about it over the years. Some people show love by serving. Others, it’s giving gifts. For some it’s all about hugs and touch. I am not sure what the other two are. Oh, right, another is verbal affirmations.

  Time and again we have been taught that the love of God is relational. What does that relationship look like? What does any relationship look like? A healthy one contains elements of serving, of being served, of gratitude and of praise. Growth and change are important, too. A healthy relationship is mutually beneficial for all involved. (Smile.) Although nothing I do is anything God has to have to become a better God. He is already perfect. Our relationship is for my benefit (joy) and His glory.

  Utilizing (I don’t like the word “use”) someone else for their special skills, their abilities, their strength and even their gender is not non-loving until it becomes non-loving…?...Until it contains elements of power and subjugation enforced through fear. (Thank You, Lord, for the experiences which have taught me what love is NOT!)

  Do I love God for what He has done? Absolutely! Have I used Him? Yes. Without Him, I would not be here. But is it using from a purely selfish what-can-I-get-from-this aspect or is it utilizing God’s strength, peace and grace when I had none? Or maybe it isn’t even using Him but needing Him desperately.

  Needing someone is an important aspect of love. It’s an admission of the God given desire for relationship. Need is the birthplace of humility. Want is the birthplace of hope.

  

  Lord, thank You for being in my life. You know how I long to understand the truth and purity of Your love for each and every one of Your creations. Teach me to love better. In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN!

Paper Purge Worth Saving

  “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!” Mathew 5:44

  Along with moving stuff around to ready the place for the renos, I was going through a bunch of papers to see if they were worth keeping any longer. I came across a word study I’d done in 2016 about prayer. Using a concordance, a word study is an exercise of looking up the pertinent passages containing a specific word.

  My idea this morning is to simply copy it as today’s post. That way I can get rid of a couple more pieces of paper and I feel it does no harm to refresh my own understanding. I won’t write out every Scripture verse but will provide the reference and what I understood the passage to mean. There may be more references beyond the Gospels but I guess I felt they were enough for a clear understanding or, far more likely, I got bored with the exercise. (Smile.)

 A word study always starts with the dictionary definition:

  Prayer     -a devout request or petition to a deity

                  -the act of praying; esp. to God

                  -a set form of words used for a devout purpose, petition, etc.

                  -spiritual and wordless communion with God

                  -a religious service

                  -something prayed for as in any earnest request

Mathew   5:44      Prayer is an expression of grace.

                6:5-6     Prayer is a secret/private conversation with God.

                6:7        Prayers should not consist of vain repetitions.

                6:9        This is the introduction to the Lord’s Prayer, the model we are to use. It also 

                                  contains every attribute found in the word study and them some. (I might 

                                  investigate this tomorrow even though I know there many scholars who have

                                  written books about this subject.)

                9:38       Prayer can be for specific things.

                17:21     Prayer can cast out evil.

                21:13     God’s house is a house of prayer. (Not walls, not ceilings but words.)

                21:22     Confirms Mark 12:24

                23:14     Warning to Pharisees re: long prayers as a cover for ungodly behaviour

                24:20     It can be a petition for an easing of trials and tribulations.

                26:36     Even Jesus prayed to His Father.

                26:41     Prayer can be used to ask for help in times of temptation.

                26:53     Unlike a sword, man cannot interfere with prayers to our Father.

Mark        9:29       confirms Mat 17:21

                11:17     confirms Mat 21:13

                11:25     repentance, forgiveness and forgiving are important aspects of prayer

    12:24     We have to believe in what we are praying for

                13:18     confirms Mat 24:20

                13:33     Prayer should happen all the time.

                14:32     confirms Mat 26:36

                14:36     Prayer is a way of surrendering to God’s will.

                14:38     Confirms Mat 26:41

Luke        6:28        Prayer is for our enemies. (Mat 5:44 confirmation.)

                10:2        For labourers to work towards the harvest of souls (Ask for help?)

                14:18-19  Prayer is an expression of humility before authority.

                16:27     To beg.

                18:19     Prayers can be cries for mercy and an offering of repentance.

                19:46     confirms Mark 11:17, Mat 21:23

                21:36     Request to be made worthy and for relief from the dark times.

                22:32     Prayers are also to support others during times of trial or need.

                22:40     Confirms Mat. 26:41 (The second time re: protection against temptation!)

                22:46     Again, reiterates that prayers are for help against temptation.

John         14:16     Prayer can release good things! (Jesus prayed to release the Holy Spirit which

               also defines His role as mediator between God and man.)

                 16:26     All prayers are to be asked in Christ’s name.

                 17:9        Jesus prays for those who have come to know Him because they are His.

                 17:15     Prayers are for protection against evil. (Intercession.)

                 17:20     Prayers are for developing unity with God, to cement the belief that we dwell in                                        Christ and Christ in us.

                 20:23     Prayer is a uniting force for all believers.

  As I typed the last reference I came to realize again that prayer is having an ongoing conversation with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit about all the subjects under the sun. Although I think I may have missed something very important when this study was first done: prayer is also used as an offering of words to honour, celebrate and glorify God. Gratitude is the most powerful prayer of all.

To See or Not to See

“Sometime later, God tested Abraham’s faith. ‘Abraham!’ God called.

  ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Here I am!’” Genesis 22:1

  The expression, “Here I am!” is the English translation of the Hebrew word Hineni. Hineni means “Behold! See me!”

  There’s a very short scene in the movie Avatar that touches my heart every time I see it. I feel it reflects the essence of what Abraham is doing when he asks God to see him. The main character in the movie is learning the ways and language of the indigenous people. Their greeting, “I see you,” literally means I see your wonderful, most precious person and celebrate the gift of you being in the here and now with me. I see your soul, the manifestation of all you are and all you long to be. I see your worth!

  The soul bit is from the movie. My ability to see into another's soul is not within human capabilities. That belongs to God. I can only see as much of another's soul as they choose to reveal to me or through an in-sight gifted by the Holy Spirit.

 

  When Abraham asks God to see him, he is laying himself down in naked vulnerability. (Smile.) There isn’t a fig leaf in sight.

  Ok. Now I have to ask the question, what’s the difference between a soul and a spirit?

  Thank You again, Lord, for Google!

  Got Questions gives this definition: The soul and the spirit are connected, but separable (Hebrews 4:12). The soul is the essence of humanity’s being; it is who we are. The spirit is the immaterial part of humanity that connects with God.

  Like when Adam and Eve were hiding after eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, I am sure God knew exactly where Abraham was. Their responses weren’t for God’s benefit but for theirs. God’s invitation, His calling our name, is an open door to community and relationship with Him.

  The Psalmist describes the sort of seeing we are to ask of God. “Search me, God, and know my heart.” Psalm 139:23

  Letting in and letting go. That’s what all this is about. I know there are places in my soul that are broken and it’s hard to look them in the eye. Let’s call it what it is: sin (sin being anything that keeps me apart from God.) Yet, despite these things, I know I can turn to God for healing, grace and forgiveness. My “here I am” is an eager battle cry to overcome and an even more eager quest for truth.

 

  I have been guilty of not seeing others, of marginalizing their presence in my life. It’s something I need to work on and practice. In this day of technological separation, living with an I See You attitude just might make all the difference in the world to someone else.

  

  AMEN!

The Need for Boundaries

  “Everyone must submit to governing authority. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.” Romans 13:1

  Passage chosen for the day. Check. Knowing what else to write. Not so much…

  The squirrel brain is having a hayday and is focusing on everything else that is going on and has happened over the last couple of days.

  Mostly I am struggling with having to set boundaries and it ending up causing a great deal of hurt. A visitor from the centre came to my church, having been invited by someone else. I was delighted to see them there but because of work policies that clearly set out the rules about visitor contact with staff outside of the centre, it was necessary to define the limitations of our relationship. The policy clearly states staff is not to have any contact at all with visitors outside the centre but I live in a small community. It’s bound to happen that paths cross.

  It’s hard to make someone welcome, to be inclusive yet ask that they respect these boundaries. The policies are in place for visitor and staff safety as well as confidentiality. Breaking them could mean I could lose my job.

  Sigh. This isn’t the first time this type of conversation has been necessary and I feel like crap every time I have to go through the spiel.

  Perhaps I am taking on too much responsibility for how someone receives this information. I am not the only person going to church. Personal relationships can develop that don’t include me. It is everyone's choice whether or not to take advantage of getting to know the other wonderful people in my church family. I am also not responsible for someone choosing not to come because they have an issue with my employer’s policies. That I can give to God.

 

  Thank You, Lord for making sure this passage was in the Bible because it is important for me to honour the rules of my employment and not because of a fear of retribution but because I heartily agree with the need for boundaries. I, too, need safe places to go and be my vulnerable self, to be supported.  It is important to be able to set boundaries even though it is something I struggle with. Only practice will make it easier. Only practice will help me overcome the belief that I am responsible for how others feel when a much needed boundary has been put in place. That, also, can be given to God.

  AMEN!

More Decisions

  “I, the Lord, define the ocean’s sandy shoreline as an everlasting boundary that the waters cannot cross. The waves may toss and roar, but they can never pass the boundaries I set.” Jeremiah 5:22

  I wasn’t expecting to find this passage highlighted in blue which means this passage is directly connected to the life of Jesus. This passage was chosen because it contained the word, “sandy.” Why “sandy?”  Because I have spent the last three weeks with countless paint samples from different companies taped to the wall trying to find the perfect colour of sand.

  It made me smile because I had laughingly given my mom a hard time when it took her over six months to choose a cream colour for their home. It has never taken me so long to pick a colour but  what I thought was a nice sand colour in the store can turn pink in the sunlight (ew) or a darker one turns a dirty, flat green in the night (ick); when beige goes gray on a cloudy day (blah)…so much can influence the colour of sand.

  Finally the choices are narrowed down to two which is way better than thirty! They are almost identical but one is a touch warmer with a hint of sunshine to it. It might have been an easier choice if I had used the black sand beaches of New Zealand as my colour palette. Not. Although black does have a place in home décor. (Now doesn’t that sound all designer-y. Smile.)

  Why is this so important? Because I have chosen a sand coloured Florida sea shell to be my colour guide for all the renos, aiming for an Algonquin park, northern beach get-a-way feel to the house without a smidgen of pink anywhere in sight. Except for the floral patterned chair in my living room, a sentimental piece. It has splashes of pink but I can live with it because the chair was a special gift. I might even go so far as to admit I like it!

 

  I have to copy this Scripture passage out so that every time I look at the walls I will remember the infinite power and majesty of God. So I will remember the strength that comes from faith. I will also remember and celebrate the infinite variety of colours sand can be.

  The next time I am at a beach I will scoop up a handful of sand and marvel at the millions of colours held in the palm of my hand. God does everything far and beyond the limits of my human expectations. AMEN!

What's New

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him.” Romans 15:13

  As the reno date draws near, there have been a considerable amount of things to accomplish which is why I have been remiss in posting these last couple of days. My focus simply wasn’t on writing.

  The pathway leading to the side door has been demolished. A task that was far more tiring than when I put it in. (Smile.) But, then, I was ten years younger. A big, decorative hunk of granite that weighs at least a hundred pounds has been left for when the excavator comes. (Another smile.) It had been moved into place by yours truly a decade ago. All the plants and topsoil have been removed from the gardens on that side. It was rather amazing how many wheelbarrow loads it took! Although, they too were smaller than the ones I hauled the dirt in with ten years ago.

  It was one of those hot, sweaty, and dirty jobs that makes having a shower when it’s done extra enjoyable.

  The kitchen stuff in the cupboards is down to bare bones. All that remains to pack is what I need to cook and eat with.

  I am becoming more and more excited and can’t wait for things to begin!

  For someone who doesn’t enjoy shopping very much, wandering around a hardware store looking at a variety of things like toilets, door hardware, light fixtures, and a sundry of other home related products is fun! Maybe it’s the smell of sawn wood that creates a wholesome, hopeful aroma.

  Smell is an amazing catalyst for memories to rise up from the depths. When I was little, I would accompany my dad on shopping trips for whatever home reno project he had on the go. There was always something being re-made, re-built or improved. The fragrance of newly cut wood always reminds me of these trips with Dad in his button-down plaid work shirt and bolo tie. T-shirts had no place in his wardrobe even if the trip to the hardware store was to only buy more nails.

  Being triggered by a scent isn't always a bad thing at all.

  The nesting Mourning Dove has surprised me. Here I thought she was still sitting on eggs when I spied two juvenile fledglings all of a sudden ready to go. It seemed that she never left the nest even when it was crowded. The little ones, still a little bit fluffy, with spotted feathers, were wandering around my patio this morning. It’s nice to see. I suppose the male had fed the lot or she only left the nest when I wasn’t spying on the events in the pine tree. Did she know when the car left there would be ample privacy for her to do whatever lady doves do?

  Some amazing things happen when we aren’t looking. Some amazing things happen even when we are looking! But looking and seeing aren’t the same things at all.

  I know this hasn’t been much of an exploration of scripture this morning but God knows my brain is busy. I am thankful that, despite the flurry of busy-ness, my anxiety hasn’t gotten out of control.  It’s rather amazing and a reflection of how much my trust in the Lord has grown lately. AMEN!

Something Completely Different

“Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth—a stranger, not your own lips.” Proverbs 27:2

  Something very different happened last Wednesday. A man with a broken down motorcycle was attempting to boost start the engine at the end of my driveway. It didn’t work. He was amazed when I told him he could leave it in my driveway; to just pull it off to the side and away from the road so it would be safe and out of the way.

  After the car driver left, the stranded motorcyclist shared he was staying in a hostel about an hour from here. He also had no one to call to come pick him up so he planned on hitchhiking back.

  It was a hot evening. It was a long way on foot being at least an hour’s drive away.  My heart was more than happy to drive him there myself but I felt rather nervous of being alone with him in the car. Distrusting trust? Is there such a thing? He seemed like a nice enough fellow and small enough to not be physically threatening but nevertheless…so I approached my neighbour to see if she would be willing to go for a drive.

  The end result was a lovely tour along roads I’d never traveled, on a beautiful summer evening as the sun set in gold and crimson glory. That was a real treat. I don’t see the sun set very often because my home is in a valley and is surrounded by large trees.

  It was also nice to have company on the way home with a neighbour I’ve had some minor conflict with in the past. It gave us a chance to chat. Hopefully our re-connection and the laugh shared when I got lost coming home will have resolved any residual bad feelings.

  My unexpected passenger told me the driver who had pulled up to give him a boost had seen him pushing the dead motorcycle along the road. He had gone home to get booster cables then came back to try and get the bike started.

  I guess I am sharing this because it is nice to hear of people doing good for someone else: the car driver with booster cables and my neighbour who was decidedly nervous being in the car with a strange man yet set aside her fear to help get him home.

  This isn’t the first time someone in need of aid has landed on my doorstep. It happened frequently over the years on the farm mostly because a nearby curve in the gravel road caused many a driver to end up in the ditch. One autumn there was a woman who was simply standing at the side of the road for an hour. I approached her, finding her incoherent and, I found out later, had been walking for hours before we got involved. That time we called the police. Had we not gotten involved, she probably would have died from exposure during the night. Her light clothing would have been insufficient for the weather.

  In sharing this, it is not to toot my own horn because I am deeply honoured that God brings people in need to my doorstep. I am thankful for having the ability to help in some small way. I am thankful I live in a community where strangers are still willing to help strangers. 

AMEN!

?

  “Instead we should write and tell them to abstain from eating food offered to idols, from sexual immorality, from eating the meat of strangled animals, and from consuming blood. For these laws of Moses have been preached in Jewish synagogues in every city on every Sabbath for many generations.” Acts 15:19-21

  Again I am confused. This passage came about because the Pharisees who believed in Jesus were attempting to insist Gentile believers follow the Jewish Law. I understand that sexual immorality is not the behaviour of true believers simply because sex for the sake of sex isn’t an expression of love.

  But what about these dietary restrictions? Is it because food offered to idols is only found near idols? Therefore a believer would have to be in the idol’s temple or in front of a shrine in order to access the food. Is it because merely being in the presence of an idol has risk?

  Knowing how easily the Hebrews were enthralled by their golden calf (before Moses came down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments) is point and proof that idols can lead us astray very easily. And knowing how easily I am distracted by my own range of idols...less is more.

  So what about strangled animals and the consumption of blood? (This might be gory for some readers.) A chicken whose throat is cut has a beating heart that pumps the blood out until it dies from lack of blood. The meat is cleaner. (Yet another farm lesson.)

  A strangled chicken must be hung upside down until gravity causes the blood to drain into the head. Sometimes there are remnants of blood found in the veins and arteries throughout the bird once it has been plucked and cleaned. Of the two, a cut throat is the more merciful way of executing an animal although now it is required by chicken processors that the animals be knocked unconscious prior to cutting their throat. (I am thankful not to have to do this sort of thing anymore.)

  How does the Last Supper challenge this? We drink wine, not actual blood although there are faiths which believe the wine actually changes to blood…I am more confused than ever…

  Lord, I am short on time this morning and long on questions. I pray You will guide me into understanding and clarity. In Jesus’ name. AMEN!

Between the Lines

  “Instead, take the lowest place at the foot of the table (instead of the seat of honor). Then when your host sees you, he will come and say, ‘Friend, we have a better place for you!’ Then you will be honored in front of all the other guests.” Luke 14:10

  Upon reading this passage a whole bunch of thoughts erupted because it seems to contradict many of Jesus’ other teachings. Doesn’t being honored in front of everyone seem a trifle self serving as opposed to humble? How can this passage possibly fit into being the people we are called to be?

  Hmmm…unless I am reading this from a perspective of how I would feel, how pride would work its way into my heart by being singled out. I think, if this is the case, it would be better for me to sit where I sat away from the places of honor. But that, too, can become easily prideful…”Look at how humble I am! I refused to move!”

  What a conundrum!

  Unless Jesus is referring to His humble self being honored above all others.

  The conversation with the Samaritan woman comes to mind in John 4. Jesus sat by the well, and in all humility asked her for a drink. The woman discovered He was the Messiah and raced back to tell her village. Jesus was invited to come and affirm who He was. The rest of the village soon believed He was the Messiah. A humble seat by the side of a well and a non-conforming conversation with a woman soon became a place of honor.

  Or could this be a clear depiction of what it takes to come to Jesus? When life is rife with troubles, when the soul is empty, done, lost, when our seat is at the foot of the table or under it, God comes along and says, “Friend, I have a better place for you.”

  Then our story becomes one of redemption, of being raised up. And all our friends stand witness to the changes God can and will do in our lives. And that is the greatest honor of all.

Expressions of Faith

  “God knows people’s hearts, and he confirmed that he accepts Gentiles by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as he did to us. He made no distinction between us and them, for he cleansed their hearts through faith.” Acts 15:8-9

  Sunday’s teaching has stretched me yet again. The lesson was taught by an Aboriginal elder, Terry Leblanc, who challenged us to think about how we often view other’s faith in Jesus through a lens of prejudice. The title of the lesson was, “Why Can’t You Just Be Like Me?” It was very powerful and can be accessed at www.themeetinghouse.com

  The context of this passage is believers belonging to the sect of the Pharisees felt the Christian Gentiles needed to follow Jewish law as part of their faith practices. Paul’s response to this was, “Why are you now challenging God by burdening the Gentile believers with yoke that neither we nor our ancestors were able to bear?” v.10

  In a conversation with a friend, the idea of a Christian moral code came up. It’s something every single believer, regardless of how long they have believed, should live up to. NOT! Boy those are ugly words. They disarm grace, they are punishingly cruel, they are probably the reason fewer people come to Christ.

  I’ve heard many times the reason they don’t want to follow Jesus is because they have to give up too much. Mr. Leblanc and his wife, as new believers, burned everything in their home that even hinted at their Aboriginal heritage. To believe was to snuff out anything that wasn’t just like everyone else.

  I am, was, a big Steven King fan owning almost all his books. I believed, as a Christian, these horror novels should not be in my home so the shelf was purged…except for three I simply couldn’t part with. The Stand, The Green Mile and The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon were a crucial part in my journey to finding God. (Smile.) He wasn’t lost, I was!

  This slight “disobedience” has enabled me to embrace the belief that God is in all things and He will use all things for His Glory. While I rarely crack the pages of these books, they have a place on my bookshelf and serve to remind me that it was God who pursued me and not the other way around. They fanned the flames for my own, hunger filled quest for the Holy Grail that eventually led to me finding it in the person of Jesus.

  Do I believe everyone should go for walks in the woods as part of their faith practices? No. Do I believe everyone should use art as a form of prayer? No. Have I wrestled with the idea that these two things are un-Christian or wrong? Yes. Simply because they are a different way of connecting with my Maker and don’t seem to fall within the parameters of what church should look like.

  I don’t worship the trees. I listen to the sounds of the wind through their branches and my heart joins them in their whispered celebration of the Creator of all things.

  I have been challenged this week to reflect on other people’s faith practices and the tools they use to connect with God on a personal and intimate level. My own prejudice towards Aboriginal rites and rituals has been shaken loose. (Forgive me, Lord, for having been so judgmental and suspicious and fear filled.)

  It all boils down to realizing God can speak all languages. A person who follows Jewish law can be a Christian. An person who beats a drum whose very existence tells a story and sings praises to our God is my brother and sister. 

  I don't think God had intended for prejudice and fear to be such a big part of our being with people of like minds. After He made every individual, He broke the mold.