Seeing Clearly

  “There is one God, the Father, by whom all things were created, and for whom we live. And there is one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things were created, and through whom we live.” 1 Corinthians 8:6

  It’s taken me a while this morning to approach the keyboard because the word that has been bouncing around my head since I awoke is responsibility. It’s a heavy word and one that has shaped much of my life up to this point. Paired with “Be Prepared” it makes a soul filling, stomach knotting, mind bending burden I am all too eager to be free from.

  Again, the Lord has helped me make sense of past behaviours that have baffled me. Three years ago on a camping trip with two friends, I couldn’t get a fire lit. Night after night saw me frantically using anything to get enough air flow so the smouldering, wet, half rotten wood would burst into a comforting, enjoyable blaze. To no avail. I was stuck with the wood we had because there was nowhere else to buy it except from the campground. My response to this inability verged on full out panic/shame/rage because it was my responsibility.

  I also now realize that the ghosts of the Guide camping trip had played a huge role in why my reactions to not getting a fire going were waaaay over the top. Thank You, Lord for granting me this insight.

  It would really help this morning to get a dose of reality, of truth, because I am terribly angry.

  I am angry the lessons of the Guide organization contributed greatly to being a victim of abuse because I was the responsible one, the “be prepared” one. Neglect and disregard were ignored because of having my life shaped by believing this was how I was to be. And an abuser is very good at placing responsibility for their behaviours on the one being abused. I couldn’t question what was happening because it fit the parameters of how I had been taught I was to behave. More responsibilities were accepted without batting an eye. 

  And the Guide Law with its rules of honesty, loyalty, being trustworthy, being helpful, a friend to all (?), courteous, obedient, always smiling (even under difficulty) had no room for boundaries or discernment or questions or for being safe. Nowhere does it say it’s okay to ask for help.

  Nowhere does it say it’s okay if you need help.

  And despite the Law about being honest, the rest merely encourage dishonesty. They are the building blocks of a public façade where “everything’s juuuuust fine!”

  Oh, Lord, how I have lied. How I have denied the truth or ignored it. But…Grace and Wisdom speaks…not knowing anything better, I could only do what I could with the tools I had at the time. (So, Sue, stop being so hard on yourself. Man, this responsibility thing is a slippery eel!)

  I can also be grateful that from out of that season in my life, many good things have come. But mostly, I can be grateful because Jesus reached out and pulled me into His arms. He continues to do this, too, because responsibility without clear parameters and the vague, yet overwhelming burden of “be prepared” are being stripped away.

  I am far better equipped now, to live life honestly. I am learning and practicing the boundary thing. I am learning that questions are a good thing. Its partner doubt also has an important role to play.

   Perhaps, Lord, I need to ponder on the idea that not living according to the law isn’t such a bad thing after all.

  Lord, let me be honest. Let my loyalty be forever to You. Let me be helpful without being consumed by the need to help. Let me be a friend to You first. The courteous thing is pretty much mastered being Canadian and all. (Smile.) Teach me to discern where and when to be obedient, when it is safe. As for the always smiling piece, it can be tossed right into the trash where it belongs. And Lord? Let love, not law, be the only authority, the only motivator in all I do and say. 

  And love means I can forgive today what I couldn't yesterday: the good intentions of an organization (there is no doubt the Baden-Powells meant well) and an adult without grace or compassion who may have been just as bound by the rules, the law, as I have been. .AMEN!

  One last thing. Part of my role at work is being the Health and Safety rep. I am supposed to run regular fire drills and have been asked to do an emergency lock-down drill. These tasks have been hanging over my head for far too long yet I felt paralyzed and couldn’t face running them. Now I know why. The “be prepared” beast has been snarling in the background.