Putting Away

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.” 1 Corinthians 13:11-12

  I have come to realize the reasoning of childhood can have a profound impact on adult understanding which is exactly what this verse is affirming. How we remember events is shaped by our perspective. It doesn’t make what we remember wrong! Oh, not at all! Our memories are formed through the lens of experience, environment and our level of understanding.

  Have I achieved perfect clarity about the Girl Guide experiences? Not yet but I am getting there. It will take time to unravel and let go of the broken understandings that have had such a profound impact on my world view.

  Today’s word is “shame.”

 

  (A long pause.)

  When my beloved grandmother was dying, her last words to me were, “Be a good girl.”

  Bear with me, folks, this is something I have thought long and hard about since she spoke those words to a child of about eleven or twelve.

  “Being good has nothing to do with being happy.” And the mirror ripples.

  Somewhere along the line, my child brain made this connection:  “Being good can only exist when there is the complete denial of self expression, of need, of want, of questioning, of testing.” Now that’s ugly. But it didn’t end at childhood because my adult experiences only reinforced this.

  Oh, how I hated and feared anyone being the least bit cross with me. It meant I had failed in upholding my responsibilities. Yet why did I think I was responsible for their feelings? Good question. Don’t have an answer.

  Lord, thank You for revealing this lie, for the clarity in knowing just how wrong this is.

  “Happiness, fun and laughter means you aren’t being responsible.” The mirror ripples again. I have to admit this idea set me up to do a whole whack of judging others while in reality being envious of their freedom as my “responsibilities” both real and assumed weighed heavy on my soul.

   I keep circling around the idea that carefree is the same as careless. The adult in me is having a hard time with it. I have no idea why I think being careless is such a condemning, shameful thing right up there with committing murder! I guess it rests on the foundation of being prepared. I mean, there’s careless and then there’s ignoring the necessary.

  Hmmm...ignoring the necessary? What is necessary? Looking both ways before you cross the street is one for sure! I need to think more on this idea though.

  I think carelessness is often an accidental happening or is an accidental happening the result of carelessness? Not always. And I will never forget the sound of water pouring into the basement. Boy, did I beat myself up for not having sandbags ready. No, seriously, I did. Even though the last time the river overflowed was more than thirty years ago.

  Being careless doesn’t mean you don’t care. Accidents happen.

  I think it is far more important that I try and understand where my responsibilities actually are because in Jesus Christ I can truly live care free.