Impact Crater

    “For the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, ‘Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.’” Ephesians 5:13-14

  Part of receiving the highest achievement award possible in Guides, the Canada Cord, was organizing and running a weekend camping trip for myself and two others. I remember my dad working with his hand planer and a piece of scrap pine for the sole purpose of making a bag of wood shavings for the trip. I think he even showed me how then left me to it. It was my camping trip after all. It was one of the few times he’d taught me anything about tools probably because a hand planer wouldn’t take off a finger. (Smile.) Pine shavings made lighting a fire easy. That was part of the test and necessary for cooking.

  The first night at camp, I had to douse my first fire because a leader was supposed to watch me get it going. No problem, I had a bag full of shavings and plenty of dry newspaper. I remember the leader asking me where the shavings had come from and being impressed that I was so well prepared.

  A friend of mine was also running her own weekend camp at the same time for the same reason. It was the final piece of earning the Canada Cord for both of us. She couldn’t get a fire lit. I asked a leader if it would be okay for me to share my shavings. There were enough I could have lit twenty fires! That request was denied. My friend was condemned for not having the ability to light a fire.

  It troubled me because it seemed to be the antithesis of everything I had been taught Girl Guides were supposed to be: helpful and a friend.

  This same leader came up to me later that night with a rather sheepish grin on her face to borrow some sugar because the adults had forgotten to bring it. Why I even had sugar, I have no idea. It was simply part of being prepared. I wasn’t cheeky enough to deny the leader in light of what happened with my friend, the fire lighting and wanting to help someone else but I was deeply troubled by the hypocrisy. I must still be since this memory is so incredibly vivid.

  This morning, some forty odd years later, I am wondering if this was simply a test to see if I had a complete camp kit. Even if this is true, it still doesn’t change the fundamental wrongness of not being able to help someone…hmmm…no it wasn’t because the leader faded into the the darkness, taking the sugar back to the adults’ campsite.

  I passed with flying colours. My friend did not. She later shared with me that she will never be able to eat tomato soup ever again because they had been forced to eat it cold all because that was the meal planned out in her menu. They weren’t allowed to deviate from “The Plan.” (There’s another scary lesson.)

  Hmmm…Lord, is that why I have such a hard time planning? Is this why I have what amounts to a list phobia? Out of fear of missing something (not being prepared) or believing once a plan is in place there is no licence to change it?

  After we were home, my friend shared it had taken her days to get warm again because they had gone the whole weekend without a fire despite how hard she tried to get one lit. At one point, I think there was a miserable, chilly, foggy drizzle that soaked everything. Using wet wood only mitigated the problem for her and the two girls who were with her. I don’t think she ever came back to Guides after that.

  Today this would be called child abuse. And the leader’s decision was punitive. Yes, the camping trip was a test but I should have been able to share my shavings! My friend could have simply lost points for not being able to light a fire on her own. I should have forced the issue but it was not in me to challenge authority. I am still angry about it and angry at myself, my inability to fight for what was right according to the rest of the Guide Law I still remember to this day because a fire was far more important than a sweetened coffee!!!

  I might have only been thirteen when all this happened yet there is this childhood guilt than has always haunted me; for not helping, for being forced to stand aside when a friend was in need.

  Oh.

  I left that weekend burdened with the wrong lesson: that people who aren’t prepared will suffer and be punished. And fear moved in.

  A good amount of this post was written yesterday because when the Lord begins His process of revelation, it is important for me to see where it goes. It’s like weeding the garden and conscientiously being careful to follow its roots and pluck every single one of them out of the dirt so the weed will never, ever grow back.

  Lord, it isn’t in my heart yet to forgive the Guide leader because I am still trying to understand (it’s important for me to understand) the profound impact this fateful weekend had on my life. I need to be angry for a bit at the injustice and for what “being prepared” has cost me. Oh, Lord, how I grieve! I know, in time, I will be able to forgive. Just not this morning. 

  This morning, I am thirteen again and realize why I was never proud of the red and white cord adorning my Guide uniform. It was a symbol of  betrayal.