A Gift of Revelation

“But I say, do not make any vows!” Mathew 5:33

  I didn’t get much out of the teaching at church yesterday. It happens. I couldn’t seem to follow what was being talked about. Saturday had been a really rough day with feeling overwhelmed to the point of tears…there are residual nerve firings, like pins and needles, still going on this morning. It has also left me feeling rather sad. Things had been going so well.

  The high anxiety motivated me to contact my contractor to nail down a start date for the renos. It’s been bumped to late August instead of this month. Which is a relief. Knowing this helped with the anxiety level.

   I almost didn’t go to church but felt led to make the effort. Even though the teaching was a bust, Communion was offered. (Thank You, Lord, for insisting I went.) It was wonderful, being able to fully immerse myself in the experience because I wasn’t playing with the band.

  I enjoy singing, too, which doesn’t happen often when I am playing. Can’t toot the flute and sing at the same time. Not that I would give up playing! The flute has its own voice. It’s simply a different way of experiencing the joy of worship, being a small part of a whole. I do “sing along” in my head when playing unless I need to count to hit the notes at the right time. Can’t count and sing or play at the same time either. (Smile.)

  And there, my friends, is the root of all my anxiety: having to do too many things at once. Or maybe it’s deeper than that…

 “Be Prepared,” the Girl Guide motto (vow?) has jumped out of the past. I did the whole gamut of Brownies and Guides so from age six or seven until my mid teens, this concept was etched permanently into my way of thinking. It was repeated every week for nine months of every single one of those years.

  On the surface, it seems like a good idea…

  (Long pause.)

  Now, I find them rather ominous. Even how the motto sounds in my head has a threatening ring to it. Or maybe they always have felt that way. I simply lacked the vocabulary to put these feelings into words because on the heel of...duh-duh-duuuuh... “Beeee Preeeepaaaared” comes an implied threat that if I wasn’t…there would be dire consequences.

  How on earth is a person supposed to cover every single contingency, every single requirement, every single detail in all aspects of life? Even for a life that hasn’t happened yet? And I frantically scramble to try and make this happen while the utter terror of failure wreaks havoc on my body and mind. Sheesh!

  “Be Prepared” is the antithesis of faith. It is the grace eraser. It’s why I am stressing about making sure everything is ready well before the renos start when the reality is, if I have forgotten something or missed something, I can always run to the store. The world won’t end. The renos won’t come screeching to a halt. The contractor will let me know with ample time what is needed next. It would appear that trust is swept away by trying to live up to the impossible, too.

  I can always ask for help. Hmmm…That ability has also been hampered by the burden of personal responsibility when it comes to being prepared. Asking for help means I have failed. 

  Okay. Now I understand what happened when my church family came over to help clean up after the flood last year; where the shame came from. I hadn’t been prepared and the mess in the basement proved it for the world to see. (Eighteen inches of water will do that, silly girl and it was the middle of the night when the water started pouring in.)

  Thank You, Lord, for revealing this because I hadn’t understood why I had felt such shame and it has bothered me ever since. I knew there was something gravely wrong with my response to the gift of help.

  Lord, I firmly believe Lord and Lady Baden Powell who formed the Boy Scout and Girl Guide organizations never meant to cause harm and there was much I enjoyed about being involved in the organization. The camping and crafts especially! I also know I have a tendency to be serious, to take things seriously and literally. Maybe that’s part of the “be prepared” legacy. Being prepared without knowing what to be prepared for takes the fun out of life: care full instead of care free.

  Lord, there will be some time needed to fully understand how this has impacted my life and shaped my behaviours and choices. It feels as though an immense burden is being lifted off my shoulders. (Smile.)Thank You for the revelations that will be part of the healing process. AMEN!