"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." Eph 2:10
"Fathers (parents), do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes form the Lord." Eph. 6:6
Cricket needs to say a few things because I just realized the doctor's visit regarding my hands was the moment the door opened. It wasn't the doorway of opportunity. It wasn't the doorway the Lord opened up 37 or so years later that saw me enter into Him. It was a door that never should have been opened. It was the doorway to lies disguised as truth.
Cricket's truth. A child like any other child who only knows what they are taught.
My oldest son suffered terrible growing pains. The third night I was up with him, rubbing his legs, I decided to try something besides children's Tylenol. I got an adult multi-vitamin and told him it was a pain killer for grownups and that I shouldn't give it to him but he needed to sleep. I told him as he swallowed it, it would take about ten minutes to kick in. Ten minutes later, he drifted off to sleep. His trust, his complete belief in what I said, turned a vitamin into something powerful and eased his pain.
A child's belief in what they are told can cause great pain. It's an inarticulate pain, beyond the language of children but nevertheless settles into the soul; a shadow that won't go away, the monster in the closet of our heart.
I have kept the door closed long enough. I am sorry, Cricket, for having put this off for so long.
I have to face the anger I feel towards the parent who took me to the doctors because that moment was the beginning of the erosion of any sort of self-worth I may have once possessed. It was the moment I knew I was put together all wrong and that even a doctor couldn't fix me. (I am thankful he didn't all the same because that might have started an addiction to cosmetic surgery to fix all the ugly because it didn't end with my hands.)
Liposuction to get rid of the fat.
Fusing my spine so it wasn't so swayed.
Removal of my teeth so I could wear dentures for a perfect smile. Braces weren't an option.
Having my legs lengthened so I would be taller.
Dying my hair to keep it childhood blond.
Breast reduction.
Removal of bones from my feet so they would fit lady-like shoes.
Is there some sort of treatment for dark circles under the eyes or to whiten winter pasty, olive coloured skin? Those needed fixing, too. (Despite that fact that summer brings a honey-brown, golden glow to my skin.)
Why is this so important? Why was there such a focus on appearances? You, dear readers, have seen the picture of Cricket. Why was she never, ever told what a beautiful little girl she was?
Was it because my parents never heard these words either? Sins of the father and all that...
Every once in a while, I look in the mirror and see what God sees. Is it a sin to have trouble believing Him?
Okay, Cricket just whispered, "It's no wonder my (birth) mother gave me away."
Oh, but Cricket, there is so much more to you than mere beauty. God was so incredibly generous when He handed out brains and creativity. When He handed out sensitivity, empathy, grace and patience there was no holding any of them back. His gifts of determination, resiliency and curiosity are so great, they overflow.
It's easy to tell Cricket these things. Affirmations I pour into other's lives come easily. I will need to unravel what she said about being given away but not today.
Years ago, my therapist told me I will probably never have to worry about getting a swelled head. My sense of worth was so insignificant that any sort of personal celebration would feel like I was being conceited.
Embracing truth is not conceited nor arrogant nor prideful. Only the enemy of our soul would have us believe it was.
It's why God sent Jesus to die for our sins, so that we can walk in truth and light. My battle isn't with my parents, or ever the doctor from so long ago, it's with the one who uses others to destroy everything God created us to be. That particular beast doesn't like boundaries or hearing the words, "No more."
I now understand that God is just fine with having those as part of my vocabulary.
