A Happy Ending

  “All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope and love—and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:12-13

  The word today is “disorder.”

  I have come to realize part of my attitude towards responsibility has to do with being in control. Needing to feel in control is symptomatic of PTSD. It’s a way of thwarting being triggered and a way to keep life safe. (Smile.) But it would seem in my case, the frantic quest for control ends up leaving me triggered anyways and not feeling safe because of it. That's what happens when we try and go it alone. (And I am not alone any more.)

  The truth of the matter is there is much outside my authority and ability to control.

  I am soooo thankful to finally realize this!

  But there is still a lot I am responsible for. I just need help discerning when, where and how that takes place. Being a mere human, it’s okay that there are limits and boundaries around what I can and cannot do. I need to forgive…a grade school teacher? She wouldn’t let us use the word “can’t.”

  It isn’t a four letter word after all.

  Now that’s an interesting revelation that helps me understand why I have felt such shame for having an illness that has limited what I can do. If memory serves, the teacher was actually speaking about learning math not giving us a life philosophy. Yaaah…math. Not my strong point.

  We had a fire drill at work yesterday. It is my role…hmmmm….sometimes a role can help clearly define realistic responsibilities… Anyways, this is something, as the health and safety rep, I am supposed to run monthly. I have been remiss in doing them because I was afraid I would forget something…terrified actually to the point of paralysis. Guilt and shame only added to the mix. The Beeeee Preeepaaared specter loomed large.

  Thanks to the revelations of this past week, I was able to perform my duties as required with absolutely no stress. It took less than ten minutes and left me smiling and shaking my head over the nonsense that had been such a hurdle. I even asked everyone who had taken part, should there be an actual fire, to make sure anyone who wasn’t present knew where the outside meeting place was. This is very important to confirm everyone has gotten out safely.

  It’s okay to delegate. It’s okay to have help.

  How does all this tie in to the idea of disorder? Or should I say my fear of it?

  Because I have held unrealistic beliefs about what was within my ability and role to be responsible for. I have held unrealistic views about what others are or are not responsible for. There’s the crunch. I didn’t draw these conclusions all on my own. Events, unhealthy relationships, culture, the media, generational attitudes and education created an elusive and impossible ideal that, oh my Lord, I tried so hard to fulfill!

  Smile. But all of this has a good side, too.

  Being responsible, being prepared, has been the catalyst for being a woman who is not afraid to use an electric saw. (There’s just enough fear of the saw that I am cautious, in a smart way.) I am not afraid to try something new, or to learn a new skill. I am competent and capable. Somewhere along the line, I also learned grace because it’s actually okay if there are mistakes. It’s okay to try again. God has given me an ample dose of resiliency. Resiliency’s name is Jesus.

  And I can profess gratitude for God’s blessing because more often than not, I get it right the first time.

  The explorations of the last few days have been amazing if rather convoluted and disordered. I have shed a few tears. I have laughed at myself. I have forgiven...?...yes. That ability is also a gift of God.

  Today is a day of celebration because these explorations have plumbed the depths of my heart and soul and released the massive burdens I have carried for such a long, long time. Today, I am a new creation in Christ. Glory be to God! AMEN!