MIdnight Thoughts by Susan L.

  I had a fair bit of trouble getting to sleep last night. The brain was running on overdrive. The song I've been picking away at writing kept bubbling up as well as a whole whack of other unwanted memories. My back and stomach were in knots, fuelled by anxiety.
  I've upped my medication a tiny bit. Why I feel this needs to be justified is a good question.
  Part of me feels like this is a failure but with the sun shining, not so much. Saner heads prevail. Chronic anxiety can burn the adrenal system up which is probably worse than the impact my meds have on my liver and kidneys. (Not drinking alcohol is a big help there.) Burn out can lead to fibromyalgia. It can lead to chronic exhaustion because there is no more juice to get up and go. I am sure blood pressure and stomach troubles fit right in to that list of potential maladies.
  So back to the failure part. My heart says it isn't...it's the head that needs to come on board because as much as anxiety is a mental thing, in my case it is also a physical response.
  Am I really letting anyone down? My psychiatrist? Family? Friends? God because I don't trust Him to help me through this?
  Nope. It's me. There's no grace being shown here; no compassion or patience. I've been bulldozing over the warning signs that things are getting pretty bad for a while. It's an old habit and I'm good at hiding behind a façade of "everything is okay". That can only work for so long before something breaks.
  I felt my mind slipping sideways yesterday. That is downright scary. There was a marked disconnect with the world around me...it's not a pleasant feeling. Having a constant deja vu experience is perhaps the best way to describe it. It's an automatic self defense response that happens when things are too loud or too busy. When it stays that way...That's why I decided to up my medication: before it gets any worse.
  So, Lord, thank You for helping me be so completely aware of what is happening and for guiding me in the direction I need to take. Bless the scientists and the medical professionals who have given us the tools to look after our physical needs. Thank You, Lord, that You have given us the Holy Spirit to look after our spiritual needs. Thank You for the love and grace you have so generously poured out. Forgive me for my pride. Forgive me for slipping back into the old ways of relying on my own strength. Be with me while I wait for the increase to have effect. In Jesus' name I pray.
  "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by." Ps 57:1