In Your Hands by Susan L.

   I don't feel much like writing this morning. There's been a lot going though my mind that needs some thinking through. There's been a lot of questions, too; vague ponderings about life, relationships, love and faith. No, this isn't a crisis, it's more of a tearing down of walls and letting God's take on things in. As I said a few posts ago (not sure exactly when), I've been shuffling along, desperately trying to maintain the status quo, trying to maintain a precarious grip on my lifestyle. It's safe.
  There's a problem with that. It takes a whole whack of energy and doesn't allow for new ideas, new realizations, new truths. It pounds growth opportunities into the dust. So, here I am, humbled and accepting. Repentant, too. I've been letting fear rule me and as I have thought about it, there's a lot of fear in my life. (Bless You, Lord for Your forgiveness.)
  There's a fear of my own mind. It ran away a couple of times. Will it happen again?
  There's a huge fear of people. Understandable but it makes me reluctant to venture out into new relationships or social opportunities. I think dragging my heals and making excuses about learning the worship team music is mostly social anxiety...
  Fear of failure. Boy, that covers pretty much everything. Thank You, Lord for pointing that out to me.
  Okay. How do I define success? It isn't about how much money there is in the bank. Been there. It drains you dry because there is never enough. It isn't about being a famous writer or artist or musician idolized by thousands. I have a hard enough time with being in church!
  Perhaps looking at success is the wrong approach. Maybe what I am looking for is confidence. The kind of confidence that comes from knowing in every fibre of my body that I am loved by the greatest Love of all. It's the side effect of believing in that whole heartedly! It's a confidence that comes from the ability to let go of the garbage without rancour or bitterness. It's the confidence that comes from acknowledging where I've erred or where there's room for improvement but not beating myself up about it.
  So. This kind of confidence...where does it come from?
  And I hear the answer, "Trust".
  "Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter for me, A strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. Selah." Ps 61:1-4