“Yes, I am the vine; you are
the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.
For apart from me, you can do nothing.” John 15:5
There was a bit of an unsettling
blip on Thursday. After blogging, as I get ready for work, I begin running
through the morning list of what needs to be done after getting there. It’s all
mundane stuff like putting the coffee on, cleaning the washroom and floors and
whatever else needs cleaning. Nothing earth shattering but it helps to mentally
organize their priority. When I arrived, the student who is doing their
placement with us had been there a while and had done most of what was on my mental
list.
It threw me for a loop. I felt
adrift and disconnected…lost as the plans I’d made went to dust; lost as my workday’s typical routine was literally swept away.
As the morning wore on, these
disrupting feelings ended up in panic attack territory. It grew more difficult
to breathe, like someone was sitting on my chest. The tears were prickling at
my eyes. My head buzzed. My vision grew blurry. All major warning signs that I
was about to lose it.
Thank You, Lord for medicine. A
just-in–case-of-emergency pill quickly takes the edge off without turning me
into a drooling idiot. I took one rather than heading home as my boss had
offered. (Susan 1: Anxiety 0.)The prescription has been in my purse for at
least a couple of years. Out of thirty tablets, this might have been the tenth
one actually taken. Just knowing they are accessible has often helped overcome
anxiety overload.
Thank You, as well, it rarely
gets this bad anymore. What once was a more than daily occurrence has slowly
been whittled down to a rare event.
Leading to this point had been
several days of different. I worked more last week, including travelling to and
attending work’s Annual Information Meeting one evening. It had been followed by a busy
weekend. Wednesday had been our staff meeting…it’s all “normal” stuff.
The Lord knows I don’t do well
when routine is disrupted.
The question for today is, “Lord,
how can spontaneity or unexpected changes simply become part of the ebb and
flow of my life? Yes, all change creates a certain amount of anxiety though rarely
as bad as what happened two days ago. Why is routine so important to my mental
wellness?”
Even before I asked the
questions, I heard the answer, “It’s all about having control or being afraid
of losing control.”
And control is an illusion, isn’t
it? Especially since the foe I battle is an internal PTSD monster waiting to
pounce. But, Lord, routine squashes it flat! That’s why it is so important!
Let’s be honest here, I hate
not being able to control my body’s fight/flight response and my
emotions. I hate being left feeling powerless. Mostly I hate that the past has left me having to deal with all of this.
But then, routine becomes my own cage doesn’t
it? I am just as trapped by it as the monster.
Forgive my pride, Lord, and
show me how to let the cage bars become the Vine that holds me safe; the Vine
that will enable me to be at peace though all life’s changes and storms and
even through the mundane surprises that happen every day.
Maybe we need to start with just how angry I
am about the whole thing…
Even so, I can give thanks the meds are a way of exerting power over the beast. Just as staying at work was, too.
Praise God! Being in a cage is not the same as running away.
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