Chasing Cars

   "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

  Gina shared yesterday about her interactions with people who had nothing good to say about her program. She shared that she used to engage with such critics but has stopped because all the proof, all the arguments in the world, wouldn't make one iota of difference in getting them to understand that it works. She likened it to chasing cars. 

  One of my dogs started doing this when they were young. It's a dangerous thing for a dog to do. I managed to nip this habit in the bud by chasing him down before he got to the road, grabbing hold of him, shaking him by the scruff of the neck, and firmly saying, "NO! Bad dog!" He was the sensitive sort. My displeasure with his actions had a profound impact. It only took a half dozen times for him to not want to chase cars.

  It probably saved his life.

  I've been chasing my own cars. 

  This idea ties into yesterday's post. If I don't change the my responses to people, if no boundaries are put in place, if I don't speak up, I am simply running full tilt down the road in the fruitless pursuit of something that will never be caught. 

  The car I am chasing is called respect. 

  Either that or I will have to let the people driving the car continue on their merry way or accept, for whatever reasons, they will never respect who I am.

  I'm not sure if this is a pride thing or if it's simply my desire to live according to who God made me to be. I want to walk and live and breath in this truth. It's impossible to reconcile the old patterns and behaviours with truth, with confidence, with keeping my eyes on Jesus. Doing this creates one heck of a cognitive dissonance, a mental battlefield that is extremely unnerving.

  The old ways draw my eyes away from Him and have me chasing rusty and dilapidated old pick up trucks. I can feel Jesus gently shaking me by the scruff of the neck and saying firmly, "NO!" 

  And I am done with being ashamed of my abilities; of having to squash them to make others feel better about themselves. I am done with being ashamed of my body and this wonderful brain God blessed me with. 

  It's time for the shame, tandem trailer, eighteen wheeler that's been parked in my driveway for decades to start truckin' down the highway.

  This means venturing onto a new road: confidence. Confidence isn't pride. Confidence is an acceptance of self. Confidence leaves room for continuing growth and learning without shame.  Confidence is having both feet firmly planted in my faith.

   I will need God to help me be this way because, to be honest, it's really scary. Historically, confidence has been a punishable offense. It was misinterpreted as pride. 

  Which answers my earlier musings about it being a pride thing. Clearly, it's not.

  Confident women are treated very differently than confident men. Therefore, as a woman, a girl, confidence was unacceptable because it threatened the fragile male ego. It threatened those in authority. It was unappealing, unattractive, and would only drive men away. (Sheesh! 1950's get outta my head! And my heart!)

  Can you believe I believed this crap? But fed this toxic milk as a babe and throughout my life, how could I have known anything better?

  But, oh Lord, how it opened me up to abuse.  Cricket might have even told someone what happened and not blamed herself for what was done to her. We did, you know, blame ourselves for a long, long time.

  Had I even a fragment of confidence I might have been able to say, "No, you can't do this to me."

  How sad.

  It's never too late to start saying it. I'll practice here, "NO! You...can't...do...this...to...me!"

  Smile...I'll even use my, "Bad Dog!" firm voice and watch them quake!

  AMEN!