Cards

  "You hide them in the shelter of Your presence, safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in Your presence, far from accusing tongues." Psalm 31:20 

  Did you know women over fifty shouldn't wear sleeveless tops or skirts that are above the knees? You know why? Because arms start sagging. So do knees. Nobody wants to see such ugly body parts. They should be covered out of respect for other's tender eyes and sensitive nature. 

  Did you know teenage girls shouldn't wear sleeveless tops or skirts that are above the knees? You know why? Young men can't handle seeing that much skin therefore it should be covered out of respect for their weakness and sensitive nature. (This falls in line with the concept that a rape victim asked for it because of what they were wearing.)

  Folks, there are some serious issues with these "rules of polite society." It's not that polite at all, is it?

  It's downright awful.

  My ex mother-in-law quoted the first at me many, many times. No matter how hot the day was, she kept her upper arms covered. Her son made sure I knew this was something that was required when I got older.

  But then, he frequently threatened to trade me in for two, twenty year olds when I turned forty.  By forty, I would no longer be attractive or appealing even if my arms were covered. This was his idea of being funny. It took me saying that his old body wouldn't be able to keep up with them before he quit repeating this nasty joke. (I laugh about it now.)

  Forty is when God stepped into my life and got me out of there. To Him, I wasn't replaceable or objectionable. Which leads us to the work I've been doing over the last several days.

  I've been drawing tiny postcards with notes on them. They aren't love notes. 

  It's been a powerful tool for capturing and containing the toxic lessons about everything related to body image and self worth. It ebbs and flows into postcards around personal identity, choices, and the mockery, or disregard for the gifts God blessed me with. I've done three pages so far.

  

  It's not a linear process. I liken it to dropping a deck of cards on the floor. They scatter. Some are face up. Some are face down and hidden until they are picked up to see what's on the other side. It's surprising how many have the same number on them or are of the same suit; how toxic truths tend to repeat themselves through various people, situations and events.

  It's not been easy but has been worth spending the time to draw the postcards; to allow the poison to rise into my awareness. Before the Lord, my heart and mind are an open book.

  Man, I love the power of art when combined with prayer! 

  I finally understand why it's so hard to set goals and intentions. It was something I was never allowed to do unless it coincided with the choices, goals or intentions someone else had for me. On the rare occasion I did make a decision, it was inevitably the wrong one and unsuitable. The postcards revealed conflicting ideas when one goal or intention would be wrong but the opposite options were also wrong. This in particular is what has tied me in knots!

  I have spent my life being told to be thankful for having such strong people in my life to take care of me. But gratitude for relationships where where one person must have all the power is simply another name for chains.

  There's no room for true relationship when one person has the need for utter control and unquestioned obedience. (Read up about Narcissists and Gaslighting if you have time.)

  Just so you know, this is abuse. 

  Run, beloved, run!

  Here's the best part of all. As the postcard images covered the page, I sensed that Cricket is breaking free. This beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, creative and God blessed child is coming into her own now. She's a strong one who has endured much but (smile) we, I, can overcome anything!

  Debts of gratitude have been paid in full a thousand times over. I am done paying. I am done playing the game without being given a full deck.

  

  God is with me as I embrace setting boundaries and rules when it comes to claiming the right to make my own decisions. 

  As for choices, goals and intentions? They are mine to make. If they don't work out? That's okay because there are always other options. Or should I say opportunities? Yah. I like that.

   

  You know something? I can hear the whispers of dreams beginning to form. I can hear desire stirring from it's place in the shadows. Confidence is climbing out of the darkness, too. 

  Oh, Lord, You are creating a monster!!! LOL and AMEN!