"How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?" Psalm 13:2
" Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to You for refuge." Psalm 16:1
The great sadness. My constant companion since I was a child. Oh, how I wish to be free of it. I wish to be free to experience joy without the shadows of yesterday dimming its beauty. I wish for the mocking voices to be silenced once and for all: the discordant clamor that drowns out the hope of peace.
Lord? Don't let the sadness grow into bitterness and cynicism. Help me live in the awe and wonder that envelopes the precious moments when I watch leaves ripple and dance in the wind. Help me live in the peace that comes from walking barefoot in the grass. Help me live in the joy that comes in countless other moments of being, of worship, of spending time with You.
But those barefoot leaf moments are when I step outside myself. The brain falls silent in the heightened and singular focus of sight, sound, colour, light and texture. I suppose it is a means of escaping the great sadness because when I return to myself, it is waiting.
How do you run from yourself? Do you run towards yourself? Like a father who runs towards his prodigal son, returning in poverty and shame? Like a father who embraces the lost and throws one heck of a party in celebration?
Is it really that simple?
Is the way to joy and peace found by living true to who God made me to be? To stop hiding my light under a basket? To stop listening to the sadness, the voices of the past that shaped me into who I was never meant to be?
Lord? I'd been asked to think about what I want from life. It took a couple of days before the idea of belonging surfaced. That was nearly three weeks ago. I've been waiting to understand. There's been some grieving because belonging meant ownership and molding myself to placate those who "owned" me. That's what it took to belong. In the end, it was never enough, was it? I gave away every part of the identity You poured into my being, hiding it, running from it...and yes, ashamed of it.
Forgive me, Lord. It's all I knew. It's all I knew how to do. It's no wonder the Great Sadness has been my constant companion all these years. I think I understand when You call us to deny ourselves and take up the Cross. When I live close to the Cross, to Jesus, that's where the longing to belong is finally filled. It's where the real me, the God designed, true me can grow and flourish.
It's the place where the Great Sadness has no voice, no power, no say in the present or the future. The sadness is driven out by not only joy, but peace.
I think I want to live there and be that person. No. There's no thinking about it. I want this. Lord, grant me the courage to make the changes or say the words that will enable this new way, true way, of being. In Jesus' Name I pray.
To God be the Glory. AMEN!
