At Its Core

   "Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy." Ephesians 4:23-24

  We have been working hard to get the centre up and running like it was pre-fire. We are almost there but an innocent, off the cuff, surprised comment about something we hadn't got to yet ignited an explosion of fury, disbelief and resentment in my heart. I don't like being angry. It is distasteful to me. It is distasteful to my Lord and my faith.

  The sun went down on my anger and my mind was very unsettled by the day's events. Throughout the night it kept waking me as my subconscious tried to understand why such a little thing had generated such an extreme emotional response.

 

  My friend has been on a journey exploring core values. What I have learned from her is that anger erupts when we feel a core value is being attacked. God honoured my subconscious wrestling by waking me with the need to do the same type of exploration in order to get to the root of the anger.

  I've done a lot of writing about core beliefs but it's mostly been an effort to expose and dispose of the toxic ones, or lies, that have warped my identity and understanding of my place in this world. I haven't really thought about core beliefs or values as being a good thing!

  So what are my core values?

  Do my best.

  Service. 

  Dedication.

  Loyalty.

  Honesty.

  

  I am sure there's more but this is as good a place as any to start because every single one of these five core values got challenged. The challenge wasn't malicious or meant to be cruel, it's how I interpreted it based on past experiences. Coming on the heels of working extra shifts and extra hours, of being committed to getting us up and operational, doing my best didn't make the grade. Sweat equity had no value whatsoever. What, because of the one thing we haven't had time to tackle? How can one thing totally undermine the amazing accomplishments of what we have done!

  But it did. Successes got flushed down the toilet by this one, undone thing. So why?

  If what I do isn't enough, therefore, I am not enough, Boy, that got personal. And the postcards from the past flick through my mind every time this idea has challenged the belief that I was doing my best to the best of my ability at the time. In every situation, doing more was logistically, physically, and emotionally impossible. Yet the devil cried with the snap of a whip, "More!" It happened a lot.

  So what's the next step?

  "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." Jesus on the Cross.

  Since honesty is one of my core values, I'll be honest. The postcard memories have left me feeling rather rattled. I had no idea the hurt ran so deeply yet as I reflect on my childhood and marriage, the demand was always to give more of myself. 

  I gave until there was nothing left.

  So there's some fear in this, too. Fear that I will end up getting lost in doing my best by trying to do more to measure up to someone else's idea of what needs to be done. I am afraid that who I am will vanish in the doing. It does, you know, vanish. I get so wrapped up in serving at all costs it costs me everything. I never want to go down that road again. It's the road to hell.

  So I am sorry. Sorry that I will not sacrifice everything the Lord has restored, rebuilt, and nurtured in me. My life belongs to Him now, not the world or the world's demands. Through Him, I am learning balance and the need for boundaries.

  Maybe, in the not so distant future, I will be able to speak up when my core values are challenged because they are a gift from God and the essence of who He made me to be.