“She is clothed with strength
and dignity and laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25
I have been looking forward to these last sections of Proverbs 31 because this is the verse that has been
hanging on my bedroom wall for a year now.
I confessed to my small
group a couple weeks ago about the struggles I have envisioning a future. It is
part of the Post Traumatic Stress/Depression package, this inability to imagine
the possibilities of a tomorrow. Seeing as I had a mild form of depression
since age seven, learning to dream about the future is like learning a
foreign language.
This is more difficult than
learning about emotions. Those, too, were impacted by the blanketing effects of
depression but, in a way, they were easier to explore because emotions are
immediate. They are in the present moment. My emotions have been freed (praise God!)
and are now experienced in all their wonderful, amazing fullness. It took quite
a while to be able to identify them.
Emotions are a beautiful thing
in their complexity, their subtle nuances and flavours. Joy can be tinged with
melancholy. Sadness can have laughter hidden within. There’s truth to the metaphor, “a stew of
emotions,” because that’s what they often are!
Hmmm…stop avoiding the topic,
Sue! Yup, that’s what it was, avoiding
thinking about thinking about the future. (A rueful smile.)
I need to be honest.
This is no laughing matter.
The towering wall keeping tomorrow dreams away is built by a legacy of loss, of broken promises and illness. And, yes, fear. Fear
of hoping. Fear of dreaming. Fear of failure. Fear of responsibility. Fear of betrayal and abandonment. Fear of
suffering. Fear of the Black River. Let’s toss in callous indifference and despondency
because of these overwhelming fears…why bother?
It’s not for me to dream.
That’s a lie!
(A long pause.)
Acknowledging the lie is the
first step of empowerment, of reclaiming what is rightfully mine as a child of
God. He has for me a tomorrow that surpasses anything I could ever imagine! Yet,
Lord, I do need to imagine don’t I? Imagining possibilities is an exercise of trust and hope and faith!
God, forgive me for believing this lie! Set my imagination free!
Let me leave fear in the dust where it belongs. Let me live according to the very
first journal entry/prayer I wrote as a new Christian:
I am but a seeker.
With His hand holding mine,
I can do great things,
I will
do great things,
Glory be to God!
Nov. 2004
Hoo-rah!
PS. In proof reading today's post, I got laughing over the opening sentence...It would appear I have the ability to anticipate and delight in what is yet to come!! Who knew? A baby step is a step after all.
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