Filling in the Blanks by Susan L.

  The letter "Y" fell off my keyboard. In its place is a white plastic, springy, thingamajig and a rubber core that thankfully works when I type the letter. I have no idea how it happened but noticed it when I sat down to do some journaling last night.
  I've been talking about finding a councillor, a therapist or the like when I have the greatest Councillor I could ever ask for. Last night's triple T (Thinking Things Through) evolved like a conversation. Tough questions were asked. Tough answers were given. In the end, I gained a whole whack of understanding about how I've been wired. I gained a whole whack of understanding about why I behaved like I did, why I made the choices I did.
  Grace has wrapped itself around my past. Compassion, instead of shame, wraps itself around my heart.
  Since last Thursday, I've been running, hiding, filling my time with anything but sitting down and thinking about what was going on because it meant re-visiting some not so great memories. It's been easy, blaming the fact that I didn't have a "professional" to talk to. It's been busy as well...okay, not that busy. There's been a lot of make-work, head in the sand hiding.
  I figured out that "why", too. It's because feeling intense emotions scares the pants off me. I've ended up institutionalized twice because of overwhelming emotions that drove me to madness.
  Emotions betray me. (That statement needs some further examination. Lord I lift it to You.)
  I know in my head that incompatible meds played a huge role in both hospitalizations. Even though I know this, it has felt like a cop-out, a blame game when the "only one to blame is myself, my weakness, my inability to move forward". Ouch. That's being terribly hard on myself isn't it?
  Think, live and breathe compassion, Sue. The same compassion I feel for others who have suffered terrible wrongs has a place regarding the terrible wrongs I've suffered that warped and twisted my understanding of worth.
  This has been foundation shifting stuff. There is still much to think about, to pray about; much to let go of and much to let in.
  All in good time. I'm not so afraid any more. My Councillor is with me.
  "For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to the light." Lk 8:17