Knitting it Together by Susan L.

  I've been knitting a sweater for myself. It's done in one piece starting at the top. By the time the collar and shoulders are knit, there's a massive amount of stitches on my round needles. It takes about seven minutes a row towards the end. It's basic knit one row (adding stitches) then purl the other for a smooth finish which leaves lots of time for quiet contemplation.
  I've been contemplating a lot. Allowing my mind to meander back and forth to my earliest recollections of when I was not quite four years old right through to the present hasn't been easy. But, in this process, the truth of my identity in Christ is emerging and a greater understanding about why I behave the way I do, how key events shaped my world belief system and put fear mechanisms in place. Those, based on memory, are things I do instinctually to feel safe not necessarily understanding why they are done. (One day I may be able to put doors on my closet. If I can't? That's okay too.)
  I've been thinking about memory, how subjective it is. Asking three people about a party they attended means three different perspectives will emerge. It doesn't mean two of the three are wrong in their recollections. It's simply how they experienced the event.
  During my mental meanderings I've taken the opportunity to validate my memories. Like the cashier validates a twenty dollar bill by passing it under the light I've been lifting up certain events to the Lord for clarification and understanding. I've been working on trusting myself regarding how I experienced past events because it is my truth that has been seared into my memory banks.
  I read about memory suppression last night to gain some understanding about how the mind works when it comes to trauma. I read about how hard it is for trauma survivors to provide a clear and consistent, organized narrative about what happened to them. When the lizard brain kicks in(fight/flight/freeze/fawn), cognitive awareness can shut down.
  Fawn is a new addition to the list. The best way to describe it is when a coyote grabs a sheep or goat by the throat, they enter into a trancelike state. I think it is God's way of protecting the prey animals from unnecessary suffering. If the predator is chased off, the goat will lay their stunned. It takes a few moments for the prey to realize it's okay.
  Sometimes, even if there isn't an actual tangible memory, it's the body that remembers.
  Trauma doesn't just impact the mind. It damages it. A body trigger causes the mind to take the pre-wired shortcuts put there for survival. Repeated trauma only reinforces these short cuts. It doesn't matter if the environment is perfectly safe. Something as innocuous as aftershave can ignite traumatic survival mechanisms intertwined with past experiences, known or unknown.
  Validation. Acceptance. Grace. Compassion. Understanding. Yes, there's been tears but it's all good. Peeling layers off an onion is often accompanied by tears. Most of my worst memories have already undergone the healing balm of forgiveness. Most of my worst memories have been explored to find where the Lord was in that particular moment.
  These last few weeks have been about reconciliation, about not bearing the responsibilities for choices others have made. It's about letting go of blaming myself for what happened.
  It's a process.
  Discovery is not a straight line journey.
  "My son, eat honey because it is good, and the honeycomb which is sweet to your taste; So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; If you have found it, there is a prospect, and your hope will not be cut off." Prov 24:13-14