Daylight by Susan L.

  There's something special about looking out a window in the daylight especially after a rough night. The trees in the yard still have most of their leaves. They are a shimmering green-gold. I am in a much better place now the sun is up albeit hiding behind clouds.
  It took me a while to fall asleep last night or should I say, this morning. The few hours before the alarm went off were restless and full of dreams. I couldn't get warmed up.
  It doesn't surprise me. Fresh understandings take time to settle in. New understandings that challenge and change core beliefs are usually met with resistance by you-know-who. The resistance merely affirms what I've learned is good and right and true. New understandings obliterate the overwhelming emotional power of the flashbacks. The memories are still there but they've lost their sting.
  There is much to be thankful for. Not so long ago, flashbacks would have put me in a tailspin for weeks, even months, before I could find my way clear of them. I am wiser. Quicker to take it to the Lord. Quicker to open my heart and mind to the Lord's take on things. I've also discovered that there's usually an unGodly core belief that runs as a common thread within the seemingly unrelated flashbacks. It's simply a matter of finding it or should I say, letting Him show it to me then turning it over to Him. It's like doing laundry with love as a detergent.
  Like last night's fresh understanding that I hadn't forgiven myself for the choices I'd made. To add to that, I didn't think I had made choices but merely lived reacting to outside forces. That's part of it, too, feeling trapped with no way out. Then there's finding grace for the woman who lived in constant fear. Grace for the woman who shouldered so much responsibility to prove her worthiness. Grace for the woman who believed she had no choice but to live according to the volatile whims of another.
  Not always. And this is something I've not really thought about before. The buffalo were only one example. I made the right choices and stood by them despite pressure to do otherwise on many other occasions. I know that was the Lord strengthening me even if I didn't know He was there. He saved me from myself.
  There was some amazing brain re-wiring taking place in the chilly hours after midnight.
  Yes, I am tired, but more thankful than you could possibly imagine.
  Freedom is a wonderful thing.
  "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit." Jn 15:1-2