The Next Step by Susan L.

  Last night was a lonely night. They don't happen very often but every once in a while, I miss having someone to wrap their arms around me. Love with skin on it. So, rather than get swept up or sad about it, I played the piano.
  I've been working on a piece for a couple of weeks now. I feel a sense of accomplishment if I can write a couple of new sections whenever I sit down in front of the keys. By forcing it, by trying to write too much, the theme, the choices get muddied and overwhelmed by other possibilities outside the theme. So, bit by bit, it takes shape.
  Some of the melodic rabbit trails have lead to the birthplace of other pieces so sometimes I simply allow myself to get swept up in the music, to take a much needed break from trying to write down what I just played. These can be precious moments of getting lost, of getting outside my head.
  This is in stark contrast to how I usually work. I've shared before how, when a project gets started, it takes over for a while.
 Some of the research I've done about music composition suggests that whatever you are working on should have a title that grounds the idea being portrayed by melody. This rather mournful piece, stormy in places, doesn't have one yet. In correlation to the chaotic state of my mind, it's all over the map. Melody has taken the place of tears and anger. There are sections in stark contrast that bespeak of incredible joy, the release from the haunting sorrows of the heart.
  Hmmm. It reminds me of a windy, overcast day where the sun peeks out between gaps in the clouds...This brings up a couple of possibilities for the name: "November Skies" or, "November Soul". I like the second one better.
  It's been challenging lately. The emotional rollercoaster, writing Advent pieces for church and doing the artwork that is so far removed from what is going on inside, (thank You, Lord, for Your inspiration), art therapy, flashbacks, nightmares as well as the season create a turbulent swirl of feelings. I can be thankful for them, though. Even if I don't necessarily want to feel the feelings, being in touch with what's going on inside is way better than shutting down, disassociating or numbing. That's not healthy or beneficial. Never mind utterly exhausting.
  I have been thinking about therapy options. My psychiatrist suggested I get in touch with an organization I'd dealt with before. This was not a good experience. Even though they've revamped their programs and even changed their name, everything about me rebels at putting myself back there. Sitting in a group, listening to someone else's horrific experiences...I know it's more than I can handle right now. I already know, sadly, that I am not alone in all that has happened to me, that there are far too many other women (and men) who have experienced abuse.
  Lord, I lift this up to You. Guide me where You would have me be. In Jesus' name I pray.  
  Meanwhile, thank You so very much for the music.
  "Now when Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to Him, pleading with Him, saying, "Lord, my servant is lying at home paralyzed, dreadfully tormented." And Jesus said to him, "I will come and heal him."" Mat 8:5-7