Anger.
It's why I couldn't blog yesterday.
It's more than anger. It's unadulterated fury, frustration, sadness, feeling helpless, hopeless...exhausted.
This is really hard for me to deal with. I don't know how to express it. I don't know how to control it. (I am, though, or I'd have gone berserk and taken a sledgehammer to a couple of walls or something stupid like that.)
Control doesn't mean squashing it down, holding it in. I can't do that anymore. The price is too high and it only ignites self-harming ideology which makes me even angrier that these thoughts would even exist!
I understand where they come from and I won't act on them. I understand why the thoughts are there.
"I may as well punish myself before someone else does."
"Bad girl! You are angry and that's not allowed."
I can't use the ole trick of numbing. That price is too high as well: physically, mentally and emotionally. To create, I must feel.
I feel so guilty for being angry. I'm angry because I am angry. Like somehow it's my fault; that there's something wrong with me. Like I am the broken one who should be able to brush the anger away la-di-da. Or suck it up when someone gets angry at me because it, too, is my fault that they are angry. In both cases, I've been taught to apologize. One: for being angry. Two: for making them angry.
Oh, Lord, the life lessons I've learned have crippled me...
I am not angry because of my mental health issues, I am angry because it's how I feel!
It's so confusing. Help me make sense of it, Lord. Help me cast aside what isn't righteous.
I need to be brutally honest about this. I know the Lord will guide me into truth. To find the truth, the lies I believe need to be put down on paper.
This is a Triple T to the nth degree. Maybe, by writing about it, the anger will be released in a safe way so there's no collateral damage done to anyone, myself included. Maybe by writing about it, I will find clarity about what is really going on.
There's the not so good anger rooted in expectations and failures (my own and of others). There's the anger of grief. There's the little girl having a temper tantrum. There's anger because of having to live with mental health challenges. There's anger that the past keeps jumping up and biting me, reminding me every day about the past. There's anger because the past won't go away once and for all and simply leave me in peace so I can live a "normal" life.
Oh, Lord, I want so much for it to simply go away...
There's fear. If I share my emotions, I will be abandoned.
There's fear. If I allow emotions out, I will be ignored. Or worse, mocked and belittled. (Even now circumstances are driving that lesson home by accident or by intention.)
There's fear. If I express myself, I will be punished or corrected.
So there it is. Ugly but honest lessons of the past.
No, it's not ugly. Honesty is beautiful. Truth is beautiful even if my "truth" is twisted and corrupted by worldly understandings. I freely admit it is. Being candid is the way to Christ's Truth about all of this. Being candid is opening my heart to Him because He holds the key to growth and healing.
Lord, I need help. I need You to help me be free of these lies. I need you to help me walk free of fear. But most of all, I ask for discernment in how to express myself and who to trust.
My burden has lightened. My anger has dwindled although I think this is only the beginning of another healing journey. It is new territory. Help me, Lord, not take the anger of a lifetime out on those I love. In Jesus' name I pray.
"He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him." Ps 103:10-11
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The Robes
"Coming up behind Jesus, she (the woman who had bled for 12 years) touched the fringe of His robe." Luke 9:44 And she was heal...
Gosh - I hear so much of myself, or better, my feelings in your comments. Anger. It has been my confusing foe for a long time. I've been on a journey for years. So many of my "helps" (people, books, courses) tended to aid me in identifying the feeling(s) as anger - but little to none in finding out what to do with it! If the issue or situation or person is still there - so was the anger. If things were unfair, unresolved or or unrecognized - it remained. I did a Bible Study to see what God thought of anger - and it surprised me. Anger is not bad - in fact it is a neutral. It is what we feed it, infuse it with - and most important - what we do with it. That is where we run into problems. I started a notebook all on "Anger and Forgiveness" in which I wrote things that spoke to me. That helped me a lot. The most important thing that I have "learned" is that the Lord is my Advocate and my Avenger. Wow - this has helped my head and heart more than anything. Took me a long time to grasp it - but dear sister, it is a "keeper". When things rear up - when things are said or done to me - when the heart hurts or the brain screams for justice - I have sought Him as my Advocate and Avenger. Justice is His. He is sovereign. He is all powerful. He knows - He knows. I pray that you find the peace in finding anger in itself is not wrong (after all, it is "anger" that makes differences - ex: slavery), but what you choose to do with it "could" be wrong. Let He with all knowledge handle it - He is currently in the position of High Priest.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so candid. More than anything it helps knowing I am not alone in these struggles.
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