Holiday by Susan L.

  I am taking a much needed break to spend time with my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren starting tomorrow. It'll give the last couple of week's Triple T healing the opportunity to settle in. It's like breaking in a new pair of shoes.
  After posting yesterday, I read the previous blogs leading up to this one. I rarely remember what was written the day before especially in the challenging times. It pays to look back and reflect on what is going on. Reflecting back and seeing even a tiny bit of progress makes the tough stuff easier to work with. It always amazes me, touches me, warms my heart to see the tangible evidence of answered prayers.
  Angst becomes awe as I'm left wide eyed and open mouthed, as a whispered, "wow" is muttered with each realization of how God is working in my life. "Wow" is an expression of deepest gratitude for the changes He is making in how I view myself and the world.
  Trauma has a way of fracturing personality. It's a side effect of the protective, disassociation coping mechanism. In extreme cases, these personalities can inhabit the same body with no common memory thread. It was once called multiple personality disorder but that's been changed because the different "personalities" are really various aspects of the same person.
  Disconnecting emotionally from the memories disconnects identity, the person you were at that particular moment in time. Toss in a generous helping of shame, blame, and fear, it's easy to hate the person you were when the event took place. It's much easier to forgive our trespassers than to forgive ourselves.
  I love the line from a pastor called Peter Jackson. "If we can't love ourselves, God help our neighbour."
  So, thank You, Lord, for opening my heart to compassion for the child I brutally locked away and silenced for so many years. Thank You for freeing me of the shame and the guilt. Thank You for freeing me of taking on the responsibilities of other's choices to harm and destroy innocence.
  It's not my fault after all.
  Forgive me, Lord, for the harm I've done to my own children because of the hatred and contempt I held for my own inner child.
  "Whoever causes one of these little ones to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea." Mk 9:42