About Disassociation

  “Daughter,” he (Jesus) said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.” Luke 8:48

  Today is going to be a bit different. I had an amazing conversation with a good friend so I thought I would share some of it. I am talking today about the impact of emotionally traumatic events.

  Let’s start by clarifying trauma. Everyone copes with the bad things in life in different ways. Some of us are better equipped to ride out the storms. Age, confidence, resiliency, physical and mental well being all play a role in how traumatic events impact us. Different things affect people differently so today I am asking my readers to throw out the scale. It is impossible for us to pre-determine or limit the impact an event has on someone else. God is the only one who knows.

  Trauma can only be defined as a set of circumstances which rocks our understanding of the world and our place in it.

  Emotional trauma causes brain damage. I have to give thanks here for the scientist who discovered this quite recently because it is positive proof there is a lot going on that can hamper our ability to “get over it”. (Those are three of the cruelest words ever said.) It takes time for the brain to heal, to create new neural networks but I’ve written about that before.

  I am going to share about a coping mechanism those of us who have experienced trauma often use. It’s disassociation. It’s like packing an emotionally charged event into a box and taping it shut.

   Sometimes this happens because we are too young to understand what has happened. Sometimes it happens because the feelings are too big, too ugly or there is a great deal of shame attached to the event, particularly in the case of sexual abuse. In its extremity, the event is blocked from conscious memory.

  I think, too, that needing to keep secrets is part of the box’s construction either though our own choices, or our inability to grasp what has happened, or if the need for secrecy is enforced by threats. (One of the tools an abuser uses to maintain control.)

  The problem is, it works. Once learned, it becomes a go-to response in dealing with the ups and downs of life. Packing these things away means we can function almost normally. We carry on and give the impression we “got over it.” That is if “it” was ever shared at all. (God, be with those who are doing some unpacking of their own.)

  Here’s the thing. When we do this, a piece of ourselves gets locked away (as though the child self is separated from the adult self for her own protection) until something leads us to unpack these boxes. In extreme case, these pieces of a fractured identity can function independently, taking over the conscious mind for days or weeks at a time. When another part of the personality takes over, the other shuts down with no awareness of the first except for realizing that time was lost. But this is rare.

  Have you ever lost a loved one and walked around in a fog while funeral arrangements are being made and the loved one laid to rest? Have you found yourself unable to cry, to mourn, until days or weeks or even years after? That’s disassociation from traumatic events in action. It’s a normal response! One that was wired into our being for the days we ran from tigers.

  (A rueful smile.) Emotional tigers have big teeth, too.

  But here’s the good news. It is possible for reintegration to happen. It’s a hard road that takes bravery, fortitude and determination to follow because it means unpacking the boxes. (God bless those who are on this journey.) As the emotional healing takes place and our brains are retrained, there is a reuniting, a homecoming, of the identities that were put away for safekeeping.

 

  On a more personal note, it does get easier, this pursuit of truth and wholeness. It has a great reward because each time a box is unpacked and a piece of me has been reintegrated, I am closer to the woman God made me to be. All because I reached out and touched the hem of His garment.  I want to celebrate, too, because I get a sense this part of my journey is almost complete. Understanding what it means to be a woman is where God began and where it has brought me now. God’s truth has woven itself into the fabric of my identity during this fifteen year journey. He has poured His love into all the boxes.

  I feel that I have finally come home: all the pieces of me because God loved me first.