In the Company of Women

  I should have known the Lord answers prayers. Even when we don't think we are praying.
  Yesterday, He sent a friend over so I was able to purge the shadows left from the night of nightmares. In talking with her, I realized a couple of things. There's a lot on my plate right now. There's still some unfinished business surrounding my past. But mostly, I realized how far I have come. Praise God!
  The answered prayer? To have more friends.
  Here's the thing. It stretches me to let people in even though it's hard, this trust thing, but until I do, alone I'll stay. Which isn't healthy.
  Or wise.
  Especially when the Black River roars as loud as it did yesterday.
  I was blessed with having a good listener hear me out without trying to advise or guide or correct me. That's a rare thing with us women. Wanting to fix, to make boo-boos feel better, is a sign of a maternal heart, of caring. I can recognize it as such because it's part of me, too; a part I have to rein in when I am called to be a listener.
  Having space to vent is important.
  Or maybe it's not so much venting as sharing the things which weigh us down. Which is healthy. In the sharing, I found solutions. In the sharing, I found answers. In the sharing, my load lightened because I could see where God was working in and through my life.
  Mostly, my needs were identified. While the solutions aren't clear yet, I can begin to take steps to rectify what's wrong, to change what I can, and accept what is out of my power to control.

  So last night I made a pair of small throw pillows to match the piano bench cover. There's one more laid out, ready to sew later tonight.
  Creativity is a huge part of my wellness. Creating is.
  Making something from nothing...I need more of it in my life.
 
  Lord, thank You for the company of women. Thank You for strengthening my resolve to reach out. Thank You, Lord, that this friend reached in, adding her strength to mine.

  "Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's lead in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another." Galatians 5:25-26
 
 

Morning Shadows

  It was a night of disquieting dreams. Nightmares I guess. While there is very little recollection of what they were about, this morning has me feeling rather sad and edgy. Tearful, too. Vulnerable.
  It happens. Thankfully not that often. Maybe once every couple of weeks.
  I remember being afraid. Feeling powerless. Trapped...
 
  Maybe I need to change the subject.
  I definitely need to get out of the house. 

  Lord, I lift the night to You. Let me have peace. In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN!

  "What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings."  Psalm 84:5-6

 

Quilt

  My piano bench...it's actually an organ bench with legs cut down to a shorter height...was rather uncomfortable. Having a towel folded over gave some comfort which is important because to sit there for more than an hour...You get the picture.
  I decided to do something more permanent and better looking than a towel. A couple of trips to a fabric store gave me everything needed. Foam, music themed fabric, thread and other bits and pieces to complete the project.
  This is outside my experience, doing a piecework quilt pattern. Using the sewing machine to do this sort of thing is also new. All my crazy quilt projects have been entirely done by hand.
  The design was laid out on graph paper based on bench dimensions. The fabric squares and triangles were cut out using a cardboard template. I even remembered to add extra for the seams!
  Okay, maybe I should have used a set square to make sure the templates were perfect. A fraction off over the space of the work has an impact, throwing the project skewed in several places. Ha, the ripple effect!
  Making the keyboard squares was the first step using strips of fabric for the black keys. Not perfectly despite being careful but at least they represent a keyboard. Call it modern art. (Smile.)
  It was a bit tricky when it came to piecing the rest together; to make sure I'd pinned the correct colour in the correct place. Yes, I had to redo a couple that had been sewn together wrong. Un-sewing and do-overs quickly taught me to be extra careful because I hate do-overs. It wounds my pride. (Smile, again.)
  You know, it's funny. When it comes to conversations with people, I have all the patience in the world. When it comes to projects, that same patience seems to fly out the window. I want it done NOW!
   I had thought tying the cover to the legs would hold the foam in place well enough but because the foam wasn't a solid piece, it tended to wander, leaving gaps in the padding. Thankfully, I have plenty of pillow cases so I sewed one around the foam to make a solid base. It was tied it to the piano bench before tying the cover in place over it once it was completed. It doesn't move at all and the cover can be removed and washed if needed.
  This was a huge learning curve for me. While the perfectionist in me sees the flaws, overall I am pleased with this project. It dredged up some long forgotten grade 8 home economics sewing skills from the dusty corners of my mind.
  There's something philosophical about a quilt. How small pieces of the various patterns and colours come together to create something whole, something beautiful. If wonky. At least, in this case. Wonky is okay because I learned from it.
  Wonky has no impact on comfort. (Smile.)
  I learned to take care with templates; that sewing fabric on the machine can cause it to gather, to shrink from it's original size; that I enjoy doing this to the point it might not hurt to take some sewing classes at a local fabric shop.
  And I know for sure the next one will be much better.
  "The stone that the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone." 1 Peter 2:7
 
 
 

Music is the prayer the heart sings.

    The wall sticker arrived from China. It says the title of today's blog. The photo selling it was misleading. It is much smaller than I thought it would be. They must have put a teeny tiny couch in front of it for the photo! Oh well. What's the saying? You get what you pay for. Nevertheless, having it on the wall over the piano has served to remind me how important music is to my faith.
  Somewhere along the line I'd forgotten that nothing dispels the shadows quicker than having worship music playing. A while back, I'd gotten rid of my stereo...I'd since forgotten how important it was for my well being to have music filling the house.
  Playing the piano is only one part of it. It's rather hard to play the piano while doing dishes or making my bed. It's in the silence the overwhelm makes itself most known. It's in the silence loneliness wraps itself around my heart. It's in the silence unwanted memories come to mind.
  I confess I have been using the TV to fill the silence (forgive me for that, my Lord). Home decorating/renovation programs only numb the mind. They don't disperse the shadows. They don't send these things scurrying back to the darkness from where they came.
  My TV has another purpose, an important one. It's one of the reasons I bought a sound bar. Again, I'd forgotten the initial reason for buying a good speaker. It's why I got rid of the stereo. New technology had replaced it.
  My satellite service comes with radio stations. One of which is Christian. I spent some time listening to it yesterday. It's hokey. It's corny. It's good ole classic, hand clappin', praise Jesus! Christian music and solemn, worshipful hymns interspersed with calls for listeners to come to the Lord. I love it.
  There is a local Christian radio station I can tune into through the sound bar but it plays more modern music. I admit not being able to understand half the words. I am not that fond of rap or heavy metal even if the lyrics are God honouring.
  The TV is hooked up to a DVD player which also plays CDs. The speaker is good enough to let me blast the house with LOUD if I should so desire. Loud can be good sometimes.
  I know there are more opportunities to listen to worship music online but a laptop speaker just doesn't cut it somehow.
 
  Thank You, Lord, for cheap products from China.
  Thank You, Lord, for making music a part of faith.
  Thank You, Lord, for the musicians who use their gifts to honour You. Bless them. Keep them safe.
  In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN!

  "Come everyone! Clap your hands! Shout to God with joyful praise! For the Lord most High is awesome. He is the great King of all the earth." Psalm 47:1-2
 

Whoosh!

  A barrage of the business end of things has come my way. It doesn't take much to leave me feeling overwhelmed so I need to take it one step at a time; to break it down into manageable pieces. Bear with me because this is the best place to lift all of it to the Lord.
  The first is easy. I found the bill for the new furnace and the monthly oil bill rates tucked into a magazine. It had me wondering why there had been no bill from them so that's the first priority. The cheques will get dropped off to them later today. It does leave me smiling: small town, old fashioned payment methods.
  Lord, I trust that the means to fulfill this monthly obligation will always be there.
  It's house insurance renewal time, too. There's been a fair bit of back and forthing with the company because of the flood earlier this year. I had called them at the time (just in case) but ended up cancelling any claim for repairs. The small losses simply weren't enough to justify going through insurance. (Praise God!) 
  Here's the frustrating part. Even though a claim was never filed, for some reason they think the flood came via the sewer so there has been a whole song and dance to prove that it hadn't: photos of the clean basement, forms to fill out, etc. Here's even more frustration: I am not on a sewer system but a private septic system. The flood was a result of overland water. No sewage entered the basement.
  Had a claim been filed, my insurance rate would have cost a couple hundred more per year!
  I wrote my insurance broker a clear letter to that effect this morning so hopefully they will get it.
  Lord, I lift my frustration to You. Even though I've shared what happened several times with the company, it feels as though I am not being heard. Let them hear me now.
  And there's other things. Straw mostly but straw can be an itchy thing. Irritating.
  Lord, the everyday stuff of life regularly overwhelms me. Teach me to learn to take it one step at a time. Teach me to turn to You for help a whole lot faster because I know, in You, is peace, patience and grace. All these things I ask in Jesus' name. AMEN!

  "Jesus replied, "The Kingdom of God can't be detected by visible signs. You won't be able to say, "Here it is!" or "It's over there!" For the Kingdom of God is already among you."" Luke 17:20
 

A Lucky Ducky

  A blast of heat driven up from the Gulf of Mexico brought subtropical heat with it yesterday but it wasn't to last. Around four, a cold front blasted through bringing a couple brief, torrential downpours and relief from the humidity. By last night, the temperature had dropped over twenty degrees. This meant wind. A lot of wind.
  I received notice on my phone that someone in the area had lost power. Surely because of a tree coming down. It was okay here so I was able to get out to worship team practice for some much needed worship and a really good laugh.

  One of our younger members had been overseas to a missions school. She shared that from within the fifty students, there had been six weddings as a result of their time together. Our team leader shared that she and her spouse had met at college as well.
  I jokingly commented, "Maybe I should go to college!" It got a laugh.
  "Yah," I said, "Cougar on the campus!"
  I confess to being a bit shocked by this case of mouth-getting-ahead-of-brain. And maybe it wasn't the most appropriate sort of thing to say at a worship practice but...
  I haven't had a belly laugh like that for a long time. We "older" ones laughed even harder when one of the younger members commented, "I don't know if I should laugh or be really creeped out!"
  Oh, honey, I am older but not dead yet.
  All the stress and tension and sorrows of the last week lifted off my shoulders as laugh tears streamed down my cheeks.
  It felt really good to laugh.
  There needs to be more laughter in my life.

  Later that night something amazing happened.
  Which is why I mentioned the wind.
  Lying in bed, just after lights out, I heard a crash. Thinking a tree had come down, I got up to have a look. It wasn't a tree. I'd forgotten to take down the umbrella over the table outside. Normally, the yard is sheltered from the worst of the weather but a gust of wind had lifted the umbrella up taking the three by four foot glass table top with it. Or maybe the glass had been lifted, taking the umbrella with it!
  Praise the Lord, it hadn't broken but was lying on it's side, leaning against the undamaged, metal table frame. It had been turned sideways so the long side was on the ground. The safety glass is heavy which goes to show just how ferocious the wind was!
  The umbrella might be broken beyond repair, I'll have a look at it later in the day but I still feel incredibly blessed by what I view as a miracle.

  "Let us come to him with thanksgiving. Let us sing psalms of praise to him. For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods." Psalm 95:2
 
 

Inktober

  In a couple of weeks, an annual event sweeps the globe. It's called Inktober. Throughout the month, people are challenged to do a pen and ink drawing a day then post the day's achievement on social media. There is a prompt list for inspiration but it isn't mandatory to follow. It can be found by searching "Inktober". There are plenty of images from previous years under the same heading should you need inspiration. There is amazing talent out there!
  This isn't just for artists. Doodlers are welcome to share their beside the phone creations, too!
  My thinking on this is to utilize the list in a couple of ways. The drawing, of course, but I thought it might be a good idea to explore the prompts from a Christian perspective. This would do a couple of things. One, encourage creativity but also help me blog on a more regular basis than I have for the last little while.
  I need this. It keeps me on track. It gives me my daily dose of faith embodied in God's Word that wraps the day in a blanket of grace and joy. In this busy ole world, those things are easy to misplace.

  Yesterday was spent mowing the shaggy, overgrown lawn and cutting back most of the gone-to-seed Black Eyed Susans. They lasted a long time this year but their demise is a sure sign that fall is around the corner. There are still some waiting for the shears in the back yard. Work for another day.

  In the process, three of these lovely wood frogs living throughout the yard caused me to pause in my labours. This little one got stalked until I could get a clear picture of it. It amazes me how much colour variation there is between them. One was a pale caramel, the other like a butterscotch and this one a darker brown.
  That's part of finding joy in the day, appreciating the little things God created in all their wonder.

  "O Lord, what a variety of things you have made! In wisdom you have made them all, the earth is full of your creatures." Psalm 104:24
 

Well of Patience

  So, God has given me a gift. It's the ability to listen. Time and again people share parts of their story they haven't ever told anyone before. Most of the time, it's about pain or loss or shame. I am honoured by these trusts but I need to work on forgetting because I find myself burdened by these stories.
  This has happened a lot in the last little while. Even my psychiatrist felt comfortable in sharing his frustration about the hospital's management yesterday. He was mostly angry because executive decisions had a direct, negative impact on his patients. He's one of the better psychiatrists. One who cares. I am sure he will channel his anger and passionately advocate for us. He laughingly told me he was well able to play the imperious doctor. I think the hospital management doesn't stand a chance.
  Perhaps he crossed a boundary but I've been seeing him long enough that it's okay for him to let his humanness show. It's good to know he is human. Again, it's an honour thing, his gift of vulnerability and honesty.

  A long time ago, I did a Bible study on the word "woman". One of the revelations was that women are receivers, that we take in everything. It's so fundamental that it's part of our physical design, this female body's purpose to take in that which has the ability to create new life. Yet, the receiving is also paired with giving on so many different levels.
  To form a child in our womb is sacrificial because our bodies are consumed by the growth of new life. That doesn't happen to the degree it once did thanks to vitamins and nutrition. At least, in a first world country with the money and resources to stay healthy.
  I'd never thought of the physical cost to those without these...

  So here's the tricky part. How do I receive these confidences without being consumed by them? Especially since it is a huge part of what I do at work. Ha! It's a huge part of who I am.
 
  Thank you, Lord. Here's the revelation: I've been using worldly tools to try and exorcise spiritual burdens. Burdens I need not bear because they are not mine to carry. (I just felt the tension in my shoulders vanish as peace has flooded in.)
  Old habits die hard. I need to remember that I am not the only one listening and that God's shoulders are way bigger than mine.
 
  "When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit." Ephesians 3:14-16
 

Stretched

  There was an opportunity to take ASIST, a suicide intervention training. It's a program that is being taught all around the world and thankfully, in our small town so I didn't have far to travel. It was a full day Saturday and a full day Sunday. A tough couple of days. A tough topic but well worth investing the time for.
  But I am totally fried.
  And totally happy the only pressing jobs are to pay some bills and maybe mow the lawn once the dew has dried. At least until tomorrow when I hit the ground running again for a Dr.'s appointment then a follow up on my new eyeglasses. Which I am still not happy with.

  "Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." Psalm 106:1


 
 
 
 

One Idea

  I have been drifting along for a while now. Part of it is having been away from home for most of the last couple of weeks. Yet, long before that I was feeling dissatisfied...lost...apart from God.
  But He was never apart from me.
  My TV was set to record a couple of programs. Home for the next many days and glad to sit for a while, fast forwarding through commercials, one phrase captured my attention.
  "If, in your tiny corner of the world, you impact others in a positive way, your corner of the world isn't tiny at all."
  I think that's close.
  After hearing this, I wandered into the yard to check the pond frog status (one is still there). A few quiet moments were spent watching waterfall ripples make the dying back lily pads dance.
  Ripples. One small act, a drop, has an impact far beyond what we can see or feel.

  A renewal of purpose has been breathed into my flagging spirit. That purpose is to be the drop that can change someone's world.
 ""And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." Romans 8:11
 

Sky

  

 A thousand million tiny lights have brightened the clouds from below. The black, starless swathe above holds the merest pinprick of a flashing satellite holding its place in the sky.  The stars cannot compete with their earthbound cousins. Perhaps, if the photo was upside down, it might make more sense.

  The nights are closing in. Today held the first hint of autumn. After Thursday's record breaking heat, it feels especially cold.

  I know the writing has become a bit scarce, my time has been needed elsewhere. It will be for a few more days, until I return home.

  That's it. Only prayers of gratitude for how well my mom is doing.

Different View

  My folk's condo is on the south east corner of the building which means they have a window in the kitchen looking east. It makes such a difference, this added natural light. I can almost forget this is an apartment.
  I am amazed how well she is doing. Amazed and thankful.
  Helping her isn't a full time job so I have been able to putter around doing some work about the place. There was even a chance yesterday to head out to the local mega hardware stores to check out kitchen and bath ideas.

  By the time I'd spent a couple hours in one looking at appliances, cupboards, vanities, medicine cabinets, tiles, plumbing fixtures, door hardware and lighting, the ole brain was on sensory overload! I was relieved the other carried basically the same items.
  There are many decisions ahead. Having a one stop shop has enabled me to make a few selections at least.
  I might head back this afternoon and buy the bathroom vanity I liked so much. It will be the foundation for all the other colour choices in the room.
  There is a store at home that sells used household and hardware items. It might be a good idea to check that regularly. Often there are left over new tiles and flooring from someone else's reno. Sometimes there is a complete kitchen! Who knows what I will find that could offset some of the expenses.
 
  So today is a gratitude day filled with appreciation for God's hand in everything.

  "The master said, "Well done, my goodand faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let's celebrate together!" Mathew 25:23
 

Different World

  My mom's balcony has quite the view. On the south eastern horizon is the Toronto skyline. It's been hazy the last couple of days so the CN Tower hovers like a ghost over the ghostly office towers and condos in the heart of the city.
  A little further east and a whole lot closer is Pearson International airport with its three terminals. I don't know how many runways. Jets from every corner of the earth are constantly going to places unknown or arriving. Are they full of people  holidaying? Working? Seasoned flyers or is this flight their first time on a plane? A plane full of stories I will never hear.
  I guess there are planes full of mysterious packages and parcels and mail doing the same thing. Is someone somewhere waiting for something that could change the course of their life?
  I have flown out of TO on the runway that grants me a clear view of the condo building. A view from the other side. I haved waved as the jet climbs even though no one would be able to see me. It's the thought that counts.
  Closer still is the 407 highway, the only toll road in Ontario. It is busy but no where near as busy as the highways with no toll. No one does the speed limit unless traffic volume makes speeding impossible or if a cop car shows itself. It's not so easy to spot them anymore. The new police car's official markings are holographic or none at all.
  City, airport, highway and a sea of homes...story upon story times a million millions. Lovers, fighters, new immigrants, families, students, a long list of possibilities.
  I confess I am glad to have moved out of the area so long ago. The noise, the traffic, the everyone-in-a-hurry impatience takes getting used to.
 
  "No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39