Seeing Clearly

  “There is one God, the Father, by whom all things were created, and for whom we live. And there is one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things were created, and through whom we live.” 1 Corinthians 8:6

  It’s taken me a while this morning to approach the keyboard because the word that has been bouncing around my head since I awoke is responsibility. It’s a heavy word and one that has shaped much of my life up to this point. Paired with “Be Prepared” it makes a soul filling, stomach knotting, mind bending burden I am all too eager to be free from.

  Again, the Lord has helped me make sense of past behaviours that have baffled me. Three years ago on a camping trip with two friends, I couldn’t get a fire lit. Night after night saw me frantically using anything to get enough air flow so the smouldering, wet, half rotten wood would burst into a comforting, enjoyable blaze. To no avail. I was stuck with the wood we had because there was nowhere else to buy it except from the campground. My response to this inability verged on full out panic/shame/rage because it was my responsibility.

  I also now realize that the ghosts of the Guide camping trip had played a huge role in why my reactions to not getting a fire going were waaaay over the top. Thank You, Lord for granting me this insight.

  It would really help this morning to get a dose of reality, of truth, because I am terribly angry.

  I am angry the lessons of the Guide organization contributed greatly to being a victim of abuse because I was the responsible one, the “be prepared” one. Neglect and disregard were ignored because of having my life shaped by believing this was how I was to be. And an abuser is very good at placing responsibility for their behaviours on the one being abused. I couldn’t question what was happening because it fit the parameters of how I had been taught I was to behave. More responsibilities were accepted without batting an eye. 

  And the Guide Law with its rules of honesty, loyalty, being trustworthy, being helpful, a friend to all (?), courteous, obedient, always smiling (even under difficulty) had no room for boundaries or discernment or questions or for being safe. Nowhere does it say it’s okay to ask for help.

  Nowhere does it say it’s okay if you need help.

  And despite the Law about being honest, the rest merely encourage dishonesty. They are the building blocks of a public façade where “everything’s juuuuust fine!”

  Oh, Lord, how I have lied. How I have denied the truth or ignored it. But…Grace and Wisdom speaks…not knowing anything better, I could only do what I could with the tools I had at the time. (So, Sue, stop being so hard on yourself. Man, this responsibility thing is a slippery eel!)

  I can also be grateful that from out of that season in my life, many good things have come. But mostly, I can be grateful because Jesus reached out and pulled me into His arms. He continues to do this, too, because responsibility without clear parameters and the vague, yet overwhelming burden of “be prepared” are being stripped away.

  I am far better equipped now, to live life honestly. I am learning and practicing the boundary thing. I am learning that questions are a good thing. Its partner doubt also has an important role to play.

   Perhaps, Lord, I need to ponder on the idea that not living according to the law isn’t such a bad thing after all.

  Lord, let me be honest. Let my loyalty be forever to You. Let me be helpful without being consumed by the need to help. Let me be a friend to You first. The courteous thing is pretty much mastered being Canadian and all. (Smile.) Teach me to discern where and when to be obedient, when it is safe. As for the always smiling piece, it can be tossed right into the trash where it belongs. And Lord? Let love, not law, be the only authority, the only motivator in all I do and say. 

  And love means I can forgive today what I couldn't yesterday: the good intentions of an organization (there is no doubt the Baden-Powells meant well) and an adult without grace or compassion who may have been just as bound by the rules, the law, as I have been. .AMEN!

  One last thing. Part of my role at work is being the Health and Safety rep. I am supposed to run regular fire drills and have been asked to do an emergency lock-down drill. These tasks have been hanging over my head for far too long yet I felt paralyzed and couldn’t face running them. Now I know why. The “be prepared” beast has been snarling in the background.

Impact Crater

    “For the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, ‘Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.’” Ephesians 5:13-14

  Part of receiving the highest achievement award possible in Guides, the Canada Cord, was organizing and running a weekend camping trip for myself and two others. I remember my dad working with his hand planer and a piece of scrap pine for the sole purpose of making a bag of wood shavings for the trip. I think he even showed me how then left me to it. It was my camping trip after all. It was one of the few times he’d taught me anything about tools probably because a hand planer wouldn’t take off a finger. (Smile.) Pine shavings made lighting a fire easy. That was part of the test and necessary for cooking.

  The first night at camp, I had to douse my first fire because a leader was supposed to watch me get it going. No problem, I had a bag full of shavings and plenty of dry newspaper. I remember the leader asking me where the shavings had come from and being impressed that I was so well prepared.

  A friend of mine was also running her own weekend camp at the same time for the same reason. It was the final piece of earning the Canada Cord for both of us. She couldn’t get a fire lit. I asked a leader if it would be okay for me to share my shavings. There were enough I could have lit twenty fires! That request was denied. My friend was condemned for not having the ability to light a fire.

  It troubled me because it seemed to be the antithesis of everything I had been taught Girl Guides were supposed to be: helpful and a friend.

  This same leader came up to me later that night with a rather sheepish grin on her face to borrow some sugar because the adults had forgotten to bring it. Why I even had sugar, I have no idea. It was simply part of being prepared. I wasn’t cheeky enough to deny the leader in light of what happened with my friend, the fire lighting and wanting to help someone else but I was deeply troubled by the hypocrisy. I must still be since this memory is so incredibly vivid.

  This morning, some forty odd years later, I am wondering if this was simply a test to see if I had a complete camp kit. Even if this is true, it still doesn’t change the fundamental wrongness of not being able to help someone…hmmm…no it wasn’t because the leader faded into the the darkness, taking the sugar back to the adults’ campsite.

  I passed with flying colours. My friend did not. She later shared with me that she will never be able to eat tomato soup ever again because they had been forced to eat it cold all because that was the meal planned out in her menu. They weren’t allowed to deviate from “The Plan.” (There’s another scary lesson.)

  Hmmm…Lord, is that why I have such a hard time planning? Is this why I have what amounts to a list phobia? Out of fear of missing something (not being prepared) or believing once a plan is in place there is no licence to change it?

  After we were home, my friend shared it had taken her days to get warm again because they had gone the whole weekend without a fire despite how hard she tried to get one lit. At one point, I think there was a miserable, chilly, foggy drizzle that soaked everything. Using wet wood only mitigated the problem for her and the two girls who were with her. I don’t think she ever came back to Guides after that.

  Today this would be called child abuse. And the leader’s decision was punitive. Yes, the camping trip was a test but I should have been able to share my shavings! My friend could have simply lost points for not being able to light a fire on her own. I should have forced the issue but it was not in me to challenge authority. I am still angry about it and angry at myself, my inability to fight for what was right according to the rest of the Guide Law I still remember to this day because a fire was far more important than a sweetened coffee!!!

  I might have only been thirteen when all this happened yet there is this childhood guilt than has always haunted me; for not helping, for being forced to stand aside when a friend was in need.

  Oh.

  I left that weekend burdened with the wrong lesson: that people who aren’t prepared will suffer and be punished. And fear moved in.

  A good amount of this post was written yesterday because when the Lord begins His process of revelation, it is important for me to see where it goes. It’s like weeding the garden and conscientiously being careful to follow its roots and pluck every single one of them out of the dirt so the weed will never, ever grow back.

  Lord, it isn’t in my heart yet to forgive the Guide leader because I am still trying to understand (it’s important for me to understand) the profound impact this fateful weekend had on my life. I need to be angry for a bit at the injustice and for what “being prepared” has cost me. Oh, Lord, how I grieve! I know, in time, I will be able to forgive. Just not this morning. 

  This morning, I am thirteen again and realize why I was never proud of the red and white cord adorning my Guide uniform. It was a symbol of  betrayal. 

A Gift of Revelation

“But I say, do not make any vows!” Mathew 5:33

  I didn’t get much out of the teaching at church yesterday. It happens. I couldn’t seem to follow what was being talked about. Saturday had been a really rough day with feeling overwhelmed to the point of tears…there are residual nerve firings, like pins and needles, still going on this morning. It has also left me feeling rather sad. Things had been going so well.

  The high anxiety motivated me to contact my contractor to nail down a start date for the renos. It’s been bumped to late August instead of this month. Which is a relief. Knowing this helped with the anxiety level.

   I almost didn’t go to church but felt led to make the effort. Even though the teaching was a bust, Communion was offered. (Thank You, Lord, for insisting I went.) It was wonderful, being able to fully immerse myself in the experience because I wasn’t playing with the band.

  I enjoy singing, too, which doesn’t happen often when I am playing. Can’t toot the flute and sing at the same time. Not that I would give up playing! The flute has its own voice. It’s simply a different way of experiencing the joy of worship, being a small part of a whole. I do “sing along” in my head when playing unless I need to count to hit the notes at the right time. Can’t count and sing or play at the same time either. (Smile.)

  And there, my friends, is the root of all my anxiety: having to do too many things at once. Or maybe it’s deeper than that…

 “Be Prepared,” the Girl Guide motto (vow?) has jumped out of the past. I did the whole gamut of Brownies and Guides so from age six or seven until my mid teens, this concept was etched permanently into my way of thinking. It was repeated every week for nine months of every single one of those years.

  On the surface, it seems like a good idea…

  (Long pause.)

  Now, I find them rather ominous. Even how the motto sounds in my head has a threatening ring to it. Or maybe they always have felt that way. I simply lacked the vocabulary to put these feelings into words because on the heel of...duh-duh-duuuuh... “Beeee Preeeepaaaared” comes an implied threat that if I wasn’t…there would be dire consequences.

  How on earth is a person supposed to cover every single contingency, every single requirement, every single detail in all aspects of life? Even for a life that hasn’t happened yet? And I frantically scramble to try and make this happen while the utter terror of failure wreaks havoc on my body and mind. Sheesh!

  “Be Prepared” is the antithesis of faith. It is the grace eraser. It’s why I am stressing about making sure everything is ready well before the renos start when the reality is, if I have forgotten something or missed something, I can always run to the store. The world won’t end. The renos won’t come screeching to a halt. The contractor will let me know with ample time what is needed next. It would appear that trust is swept away by trying to live up to the impossible, too.

  I can always ask for help. Hmmm…That ability has also been hampered by the burden of personal responsibility when it comes to being prepared. Asking for help means I have failed. 

  Okay. Now I understand what happened when my church family came over to help clean up after the flood last year; where the shame came from. I hadn’t been prepared and the mess in the basement proved it for the world to see. (Eighteen inches of water will do that, silly girl and it was the middle of the night when the water started pouring in.)

  Thank You, Lord, for revealing this because I hadn’t understood why I had felt such shame and it has bothered me ever since. I knew there was something gravely wrong with my response to the gift of help.

  Lord, I firmly believe Lord and Lady Baden Powell who formed the Boy Scout and Girl Guide organizations never meant to cause harm and there was much I enjoyed about being involved in the organization. The camping and crafts especially! I also know I have a tendency to be serious, to take things seriously and literally. Maybe that’s part of the “be prepared” legacy. Being prepared without knowing what to be prepared for takes the fun out of life: care full instead of care free.

  Lord, there will be some time needed to fully understand how this has impacted my life and shaped my behaviours and choices. It feels as though an immense burden is being lifted off my shoulders. (Smile.)Thank You for the revelations that will be part of the healing process. AMEN!

  

 

 

First Steps Again

  “After he (Jesus) was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered he had said this, (about raising the destroyed temple in three days) and they believed both the Scriptures and what Jesus said.” John 2:22

 Even though the disciples walked and talked with Jesus and witnessed His miracles it would appear, according to this passage, they still hadn’t been convinced of His Divinity. Apparently, Thomas wasn’t the only doubting one. Poor Thomas. He really has ended up with short end of the stick. Maybe that’s what faith is…not being sure yet trusting in the process of learning and enlightenment.

  I realized yesterday that my quest to understand love has been more or less an intellectual exercise. To know love, it must be experienced. To experience it means (for me) taking risks… Risks? What risks?

  The risk isn’t in the loving, it is in the letting go of the countless fears broken love has forged in my heart. To be afraid is to stay safe in the box I have made for myself.

  (Long pause.)

  That’s not freedom. It is especially not freedom in Christ. It’s also not entirely true. There is risk to loving, too. Jesus knew this better than anyone.

  Is this why the Disciples were so hesitant to believe Jesus was who He said He was? Because to believe was to set aside everything they had known, everything they did according to the Law as people of the Jewish faith that, in the end, led directly to Jesus. They needed to step out of their own comfortable and well worn boxes.

  For any change to happen there needs to be a catalyst, a spark to fire the engines of new beginnings. Is that a redundant expression? Aren’t all beginnings new? Yah, they are because each time we start over, it is in a different time and space from where we began the first time. All new beginnings are born out of the experiences we have under out belts.

  The Disciples heard Jesus talk to the Pharisees about His resurrection but, like Thomas, they had to have a poke and a prod at the truth He had risen from the grave. Without actually seeing the fulfillment of Scriptures, they were incapable of fully believing in what He said. I guess that puts most of us in very good company.

  I made a sign for work. It’s placed in the transom window over the front door facing the street.

  “Every journey begins with one step.”

  Lord, I want to begin again only this time I want to experience the love that is the full expression of who You are. Teach me how to love others fearlessly and generously. In Jesus’ name I pray, AMEN!

Head to Heart

  “Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commandments.” Deuteronomy 8:2

  Sunday’s notes pose this question: Do we love God? Or do we use God because we love what God can do for us?

  I’ve been mulling this over for several days now. It’s an important question.

  Then I remembered another sermon about when Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him. (John 21:15-17) The first two times Jesus used the Hebrew word for full on, no holds barred, agape love. The third time He used the love word for friendship. Three times Peter said yes.

  Which begs a bigger question. What does love look like?

  There’s a popular book about five love languages detailing different ways that love manifests itself. I haven’t read it but have heard many people talk about it over the years. Some people show love by serving. Others, it’s giving gifts. For some it’s all about hugs and touch. I am not sure what the other two are. Oh, right, another is verbal affirmations.

  Time and again we have been taught that the love of God is relational. What does that relationship look like? What does any relationship look like? A healthy one contains elements of serving, of being served, of gratitude and of praise. Growth and change are important, too. A healthy relationship is mutually beneficial for all involved. (Smile.) Although nothing I do is anything God has to have to become a better God. He is already perfect. Our relationship is for my benefit (joy) and His glory.

  Utilizing (I don’t like the word “use”) someone else for their special skills, their abilities, their strength and even their gender is not non-loving until it becomes non-loving…?...Until it contains elements of power and subjugation enforced through fear. (Thank You, Lord, for the experiences which have taught me what love is NOT!)

  Do I love God for what He has done? Absolutely! Have I used Him? Yes. Without Him, I would not be here. But is it using from a purely selfish what-can-I-get-from-this aspect or is it utilizing God’s strength, peace and grace when I had none? Or maybe it isn’t even using Him but needing Him desperately.

  Needing someone is an important aspect of love. It’s an admission of the God given desire for relationship. Need is the birthplace of humility. Want is the birthplace of hope.

  

  Lord, thank You for being in my life. You know how I long to understand the truth and purity of Your love for each and every one of Your creations. Teach me to love better. In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN!

Paper Purge Worth Saving

  “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!” Mathew 5:44

  Along with moving stuff around to ready the place for the renos, I was going through a bunch of papers to see if they were worth keeping any longer. I came across a word study I’d done in 2016 about prayer. Using a concordance, a word study is an exercise of looking up the pertinent passages containing a specific word.

  My idea this morning is to simply copy it as today’s post. That way I can get rid of a couple more pieces of paper and I feel it does no harm to refresh my own understanding. I won’t write out every Scripture verse but will provide the reference and what I understood the passage to mean. There may be more references beyond the Gospels but I guess I felt they were enough for a clear understanding or, far more likely, I got bored with the exercise. (Smile.)

 A word study always starts with the dictionary definition:

  Prayer     -a devout request or petition to a deity

                  -the act of praying; esp. to God

                  -a set form of words used for a devout purpose, petition, etc.

                  -spiritual and wordless communion with God

                  -a religious service

                  -something prayed for as in any earnest request

Mathew   5:44      Prayer is an expression of grace.

                6:5-6     Prayer is a secret/private conversation with God.

                6:7        Prayers should not consist of vain repetitions.

                6:9        This is the introduction to the Lord’s Prayer, the model we are to use. It also 

                                  contains every attribute found in the word study and them some. (I might 

                                  investigate this tomorrow even though I know there many scholars who have

                                  written books about this subject.)

                9:38       Prayer can be for specific things.

                17:21     Prayer can cast out evil.

                21:13     God’s house is a house of prayer. (Not walls, not ceilings but words.)

                21:22     Confirms Mark 12:24

                23:14     Warning to Pharisees re: long prayers as a cover for ungodly behaviour

                24:20     It can be a petition for an easing of trials and tribulations.

                26:36     Even Jesus prayed to His Father.

                26:41     Prayer can be used to ask for help in times of temptation.

                26:53     Unlike a sword, man cannot interfere with prayers to our Father.

Mark        9:29       confirms Mat 17:21

                11:17     confirms Mat 21:13

                11:25     repentance, forgiveness and forgiving are important aspects of prayer

    12:24     We have to believe in what we are praying for

                13:18     confirms Mat 24:20

                13:33     Prayer should happen all the time.

                14:32     confirms Mat 26:36

                14:36     Prayer is a way of surrendering to God’s will.

                14:38     Confirms Mat 26:41

Luke        6:28        Prayer is for our enemies. (Mat 5:44 confirmation.)

                10:2        For labourers to work towards the harvest of souls (Ask for help?)

                14:18-19  Prayer is an expression of humility before authority.

                16:27     To beg.

                18:19     Prayers can be cries for mercy and an offering of repentance.

                19:46     confirms Mark 11:17, Mat 21:23

                21:36     Request to be made worthy and for relief from the dark times.

                22:32     Prayers are also to support others during times of trial or need.

                22:40     Confirms Mat. 26:41 (The second time re: protection against temptation!)

                22:46     Again, reiterates that prayers are for help against temptation.

John         14:16     Prayer can release good things! (Jesus prayed to release the Holy Spirit which

               also defines His role as mediator between God and man.)

                 16:26     All prayers are to be asked in Christ’s name.

                 17:9        Jesus prays for those who have come to know Him because they are His.

                 17:15     Prayers are for protection against evil. (Intercession.)

                 17:20     Prayers are for developing unity with God, to cement the belief that we dwell in                                        Christ and Christ in us.

                 20:23     Prayer is a uniting force for all believers.

  As I typed the last reference I came to realize again that prayer is having an ongoing conversation with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit about all the subjects under the sun. Although I think I may have missed something very important when this study was first done: prayer is also used as an offering of words to honour, celebrate and glorify God. Gratitude is the most powerful prayer of all.

To See or Not to See

“Sometime later, God tested Abraham’s faith. ‘Abraham!’ God called.

  ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Here I am!’” Genesis 22:1

  The expression, “Here I am!” is the English translation of the Hebrew word Hineni. Hineni means “Behold! See me!”

  There’s a very short scene in the movie Avatar that touches my heart every time I see it. I feel it reflects the essence of what Abraham is doing when he asks God to see him. The main character in the movie is learning the ways and language of the indigenous people. Their greeting, “I see you,” literally means I see your wonderful, most precious person and celebrate the gift of you being in the here and now with me. I see your soul, the manifestation of all you are and all you long to be. I see your worth!

  The soul bit is from the movie. My ability to see into another's soul is not within human capabilities. That belongs to God. I can only see as much of another's soul as they choose to reveal to me or through an in-sight gifted by the Holy Spirit.

 

  When Abraham asks God to see him, he is laying himself down in naked vulnerability. (Smile.) There isn’t a fig leaf in sight.

  Ok. Now I have to ask the question, what’s the difference between a soul and a spirit?

  Thank You again, Lord, for Google!

  Got Questions gives this definition: The soul and the spirit are connected, but separable (Hebrews 4:12). The soul is the essence of humanity’s being; it is who we are. The spirit is the immaterial part of humanity that connects with God.

  Like when Adam and Eve were hiding after eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, I am sure God knew exactly where Abraham was. Their responses weren’t for God’s benefit but for theirs. God’s invitation, His calling our name, is an open door to community and relationship with Him.

  The Psalmist describes the sort of seeing we are to ask of God. “Search me, God, and know my heart.” Psalm 139:23

  Letting in and letting go. That’s what all this is about. I know there are places in my soul that are broken and it’s hard to look them in the eye. Let’s call it what it is: sin (sin being anything that keeps me apart from God.) Yet, despite these things, I know I can turn to God for healing, grace and forgiveness. My “here I am” is an eager battle cry to overcome and an even more eager quest for truth.

 

  I have been guilty of not seeing others, of marginalizing their presence in my life. It’s something I need to work on and practice. In this day of technological separation, living with an I See You attitude just might make all the difference in the world to someone else.

  

  AMEN!