Boundary Study Part 4

  "Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked." Psalm 1:1

  I don't have to go too far to find wicked advice flooding in. It's in my own head. The negative self talk, the doubt...

  A couple of Sundays ago at church the words, "future tripping" exploded into my thoughts. For those of us living with PTSD, it's hard to imagine a future. I've shared before that imagining what the future might hold is something that has never been part of my life. If anything, thinking about the future fills me with anxiety.

  However, as I sat and did word association flow chart art in church around the future tripping idea, I realize my past is what trips up the future.

  How does this tie into the idea of setting boundaries?

  Because boundary setting is geared at creating the kind of tomorrow I would like to have. Boundary setting creates a foundation of possibility.

  I've been thinking about yesterday's post, about my guilt filled resolve not to call my mom. I wondered if I was actually giving her the silent treatment. (See what I mean about wicked advice?) It's not, because my motivation isn't to punish, it's to allow uninterrupted time for me to work things through with the Lord. 

  I am having to learn the lessons of a child with a whole whack of life under my belt. I can't help but wonder how different it would have been had I been allowed to say, "No." I wonder what difference it would have made had my "No," been heard and respected and not bulldozed over when it didn't align with the formula of child rearing according to Dr. Spock. 

  Oh, Lord, don't let me be bitter about all this.

  "Know your role." Funny how that keeps coming up.

  Perhaps it's easier to think about how badly it triggers an avalanche of emotions when I feel pressured  to do or say something that is in direct conflict with what I believe, think, or feel. Hmmm...those emotions actually signify when a boundary has been violated.

  I think the anger is formed when I am forced to lie to make someone else happy. (That's an impossible task anyways...I can't.)

  Not having boundaries fosters an existence based on deception. It also creates dishonest relationships. Resentment and hatred fill the gaps between the lies. This is not a life that is honouring to God.

  But what happens when I summon up the courage to speak the truth? Does the world come crashing to an end?

  It feels that way sometimes especially when my truth is not heard or respected. Which takes me back to emotional avalanches...and the cycle starts again.

  But how do I stop it? 

  What are some boundaries I could put in place to grind this ugly hamster wheel to a dead stop?

  Oh, Lord, I have no idea!

  Perhaps You could guide me when the time comes.

  I will close in saying that today's revelation about being dishonest has given me huge insight into what the biggest problem is. It's when there are no boundaries but the rules of engagement created by someone else. 

  I have the right to have my own rules of engagement because I am worth it.