Boundary Study Part 3

   "God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." Matthew 5:10

  I made a decision about how I wanted to celebrate my 60th birthday a couple of weeks ago. It's one that has me struggling with the realization that my age, somehow, got this old. I decided to keep it very low key for other reasons as well. The day was spent quietly and wrapped up with going to Home Church. For me, it was a perfect day.

  It meant facing opposition because someone else had an idea of how it should be celebrated and expected me to capitulate like I've always done. It was very difficult to maintain my decision in light of the opposition, in light of how much pressure they put on to do what they wanted. Praise God, I stuck to my guns with the help and encouragement of a friend. This person hasn't called me since. 

  Yah, it's my mom. 

  Just so you know, using the silent treatment as a form of punishment is particularly nasty. 

  To be honest, I have no desire to call her but my inner self is squirming with guilt and the idea that it's my responsibility to fix this. That's the pattern, the burden of false responsibility I've been trained to bear my entire life.

  The resentment is growing. So is my anger at the situation. 

  Somehow I think I am in the wrong but am I?

  Am I?

  "Understand your role."

  Is my role as a daughter to toe the line, regardless of what I might want? Does being a daughter come with trying to pay a debt that will never be repaid? Does it mean I must always put my mom's needs, demands, and expectations above my own needs? Does it mean my decisions must be in line with what she feels "is best?"

  "Do as you are told."

  

  Do I owe her? Do I owe her for adopting me? For taking me in as an infant? For providing for me? For the music lessons, the driving to and from other activities? Do I own her for clothing me as a child? Do I owe her for the money she has given me?   

  Do I have to back down on my resolve to put some healthy boundaries in place? Just to keep the peace?

  It's not peace at all.

  Because I can't continue to live this way. It is so detrimental to my mental, emotional and spiritual well being. Continuing to do things as they have always been done is denying the growth and healing the Lord is fostering as I face this new chapter in my life.

  I am His beloved daughter after all.

  With this birthday comes the realization that it has always been a day that reminds me I was given away. Regardless of the reasons my birth mother had to do this, it is still comes with feelings of rejection. I am reminded of this every single year.

  I have been pondering why my mom adopted me in the first place. I know she wanted two boys but I came available for adoption. What has been surfacing is a growing suspicion that my adoption took place to fill a need as opposed to wanting to give a child the best life possible. 

  My lifelong hesitancy to rock the boat is also rooted in the childlike understanding that if I was given away once, it could happen again. A week and a half of the silent treatment has only reinforced the idea that I am disposable unless I deny all independent needs, thoughts, desires, wishes, abilities, decisions...unless I deny all that God has called me to be!

 

  NO. NO and NO! HE has made it very clear that all of this, all that He has instilled in my heart, soul and mind is meant to be cherished and celebrated. And like all treasure, it needs protecting!

 Boundaries do just that. Help me Lord, to be strong. In Your name I pray. AMEN!  

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