The Thin Line

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10  

  It was a day yesterday, the kind that's loud and busy and emotional and challenging. Loud and busy drain my reserves rather quickly. Tossing in a couple of extra, last minute things, means leaving work at capacity with tears building in my throat. It's a warning sign that things are about to get worse unless I take the time to rest and recoup. 

  It didn't happen.

  I mentioned the rain we've been having. The sump pump in the basement is running non-stop. It seemed prudent to make sure the back up one was working. It wasn't. So after working a crazy day, I stopped at the local Canadian Tire to purchase a float switch. I hoped that was the problem. It wasn't. The pump was done. Back out I go to buy a pump that suited. It took two stores to find the perfect one.

  It doesn't take long to install them. It seems to happen every 2-3 years because they work very hard to keep the basement dry especially in the spring. Using a rubber joint with circle clamps to connect them into the drainpipes makes pump replacement much easier. No gluing required.

  It barely left me enough time to run through a new song for worship practice and grab a quick dinner.

  To be honest, I was more concerned about how full the river is. Sump pumps can't solve that problem if it decides to escape its banks.

  There was a full house gathered for practice: pianist, drummer, 2 guitarists, three vocalists as well as me. I was having some difficulty with part of the timing in the new song so the leader took a few moments to help figure things out.

  I'd been fighting tears all day...overwhelm has a way of leaking out of my eyes. I lost it. A full on panic attack decided to rear its ugly head. After taking a few moments outside to gather myself together, it seemed prudent to go back in, pack up my kit and leave.

  I am proud of myself for leaving. This wasn't always the case. Before, I'd have just pushed through.

  To be fair, this is only the iceberg's tip. The trip to a busy, noisy, big resort and having no time to recover, really, because my septic bed is failing...it's going to cost a lot of money to fix it. I am working on getting quotes. It's a bit stressful to say the least. I ask the Lord to help me choose the right person for the job and will trust in His provision to pay for it.

  My car needs tending to as well.

  And it's tax time.

  Then I was asked to speak in church about my spiritual practice of using art as prayer. It came with a detailed list of parameters. The same person wanted to know more about it so I shared the little booklet designed for a three day retreat friends were thinking of organizing. All of a sudden, I am being asked to be part of a retreat or to run groups and when and what would it look like and we gotta do this now!!! It fits perfectly with the current teaching! When can we meet to talk about it?

  The tears are in my throat at the thought.

  It takes me several days to recover from a panic attack. It takes time to wind down the fight/flight response because once it's been ignited, it's quick to swing into full gear again. It's like being in red alert mode all the time.

  It makes me rather sad to feel this way because my anxiety levels had improved so much with the Gina program. Only God knows if I will ever be healed permanently. And I have to realize too, that feeling this way is also a trigger that reminds me of other panic attacks and the reasons they happened.

  I don't know if I will be up to playing in the service tomorrow. All my nerves are firing. It feels like the pins and needles you get when your arm falls asleep but it's caused by an adrenalin overload. 

  For now, in this moment, and for the rest of the day, I will lean into the Lord for His help as I walk the thin line between chaos and calm.  No one else will do.

  

 This has been a long post but I keep hearing the idea that all of this is about things I have no control over. Nothing says this more than a panic attack!

  Years ago, someone called me a control freak. It was rather unkind because the name calling came after she was trying to bully me into something I wasn't sure about. 

  Being unsure is okay. Slowing down is okay. Embracing my right to make my own decisions is okay Most of all, needing the time to think and pray before making a decision is the best choice of all. And maybe I need to let the important people in my life know this about me, I need time and space before jumping in.

  This is about boundaries, isn't it? The thin line of a different sort. 

  In closing, I have a request, dear readers. It's part of yesterday's deep, emotional impact. Please pray for an expectant, young, homeless woman who is addicted to fentanyl. She is walking her own thin lines. I can't give you her name, but God knows who she is and, sadly, she isn't the only one in this situation.