I am still dealing with the fallout of Friday's panic attack. The world is terribly loud since the body is still on red alert, hyper-vigilant mode. So much so, it left me unsure if I was up to playing yesterday but the songs needed the flute so I strengthened my resolve and went to church. It meant going a bit later than normal to avoid the systematic chaos of set up because I knew it was more than I could handle. Once the worship part of the service was over I packed up my kit and left, exhausted from keeping a lid on the overwhelm.
Just so you know, feeling this way is not fun. (An understatement to say the least!)
Before leaving for the Dominican, the Lord brought to mind a book that sat on the shelf. It's one I read shortly after becoming a new believer. At that point, it was a bit like reading a foreign language but, now, I think I am ready to embrace the lessons contained in its pages.
It's an older book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I have decided to blog my way through to explore the ideas, understanding and practices of setting boundaries. Although, thanks to an encouraging friend, I asked that the Art of Prayer groups be put on hold!
Lord, I lift this to you. Help me understand. Guide my eyes and mind to the things You want me to pay particular attention to. Help me be mindful of Your leading as I embark on this learning and healing journey. In Your name, I pray. AMEN
Boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else, or shows where you begin and end. Page 33
The first chapter of the book contains a fictional biography of a woman, Sherrie. It was easy for me to relate to her situations in life. They mirrored many of my own. The one that leapt up is her idea that personal needs or desires are selfish.
Because that's what I was taught.
It didn't help that the two most important people in my life, parent and spouse, used guilt tripping, manipulation, gas lighting and a whole whack of passive aggressive strategies to make sure I understood my place in the relationships.
Subservience isn't serving. Subservience is a ball and chain that weighs you down with the burden of false responsibility. Subservience suffocates self worth. Subservience discredits how much God values us, me.
The good doctors say that the first word of boundary setting is, "No." Every toddler knows this well.
It's a word that makes me very uncomfortable.
I felt guilty and ashamed for having to leave church yesterday. I felt guilty for speaking up and putting the idea of running groups on temporary hold.
Hmmm....guilt is feeding the anxiety by stirring up a storm of second guessing and negative self talk. That's something I need to UN-learn.
"No," seems to accompany the idea that I am less than if the answer isn't, "Yes."
So, why?
I have learned that saying, "No," is a punishable offense. It makes me a "bad girl." (I hear you, Cricket.)
So my "Yes," has been anchored in resentment and duty and obligation. It's not really a, "Yes," at all.
FYI: Cricket is the term of endearment my Dad would call me because I sang all the time until the day the music died. I think this is tied in to the monster in my closet which is something I hadn't realized before. He stole the song and put fear in its place.
Thank you Lord, for making these connections...I wasn't believed about the monster nor was my, "No," ever respected. Eventually, I realized I had no right to say no at all. It was easier to go along with whatever expectations were put on my life...to keep the peace.
But what about now?
Now I want to find the peace that comes with being able to determine when to say yes and when to to say no...with zero guilt attached!
It's going to take some practice. I gotta let my inner toddler loose! And I will give the guilt and shame over to God and pray for strengthened resolve so my NO means NO! And my Yes means Yes! Just as He commands.
PS. There has been an upwelling of grief and sorrow for Cricket and for the women she became. I am getting a strong sense that the monster in the closet had a far deeper impact than I thought. It's come up in several posts lately. It's time to delve deep, to tend the wounds, to find healing as the Lord goes with me into the darkness that was.
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