Super Statistics

   "I (God) will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking bout their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" Psalm 65:24

  This is a day to celebrate achievements! Stats say it all!

  Today's post is #2000! There have been over 155,000 visitors to the blog; a number that fills me with gratitude and the encouragement to keep writing. You, dear readers, are a blessing unlike no other!

  Today is the 1st day of Bridging the Gap with Gina Livy.  The Gap group is a zero cost group for people who participated in the Spring/Summer 2023 program and are signed up for the fall group as well. The 91 day program finished yesterday. It left me feeling both sad and excited like all endings do because an ending is the start of another beginning.

   I couldn't be happier with the results both on and off the scale!

  As of today, I have dropped 26.2 pounds, lost 4 inches around my hiney and 4 1/2 from my waist. Up top was a bit less but that's okay I am happy to keep the curves! All my other body parts are noticeably thinner even my toes! 

  The double chin has become one due to a bit of a sag courtesy of gravity's force of 9.8 meters per second squared. However, over the next 3 months my skin will become tighter around my new, smaller frame as it renews according to the rate of renewal God created our cells to have. The slightly sagging chin won't be as noticeable.

  Ruth Kane, a Livy Loser herself of 70ish lbs., is a researcher at the University of Ottawa. She has been given government funding to study Gina Livy's program over the next several years because of the program's 95% success rate. While the study's focus is weight loss, they are also studying the statistics of people who are able to overcome diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, digestion issues, inflammation and many other illnesses related to being overweight.

  Governments are at a loss about how to address the growing obesity problem here in Canada, currently at 29%. The US obesity rate is even bigger at 39.6%. 

  The eat less/exercise more/calorie in/calorie out strategy the diet and fitness world has said is the only way is unsustainable. Eventually, the body believes it is starving so it will shut down the metabolism and convert all food intake to fat. It is possible to gain weight eating a mere 600 calories a day while exercising like a fiend. (This is part of Gina's own story.)

  One of the major weight loss organization is now pushing medications. Medications I might add which require a lifelong commitment. Some of these cost upwards of $1000/month and can have terrible side effects. 

   Successful weight loss according to Canadian government standards is 5% over 6 months. Gina's plan blows this out of the water. My loss is just over 10% in 3 months! And I am not alone. This is a common result for people who follow the carefully designed program. 

  Which, by the way, does not involve starving, depriving, weight or measuring. There are zero special foods to buy, zero prepackaged meals, and zero fat tasteless stuff is gone forever!

  It's also normal for people to not lose weight in the beginning. 5% of the participants in the Spring/Summer program had this happen. The body might need time to heal from past starvation/deprivation diets. Underlying health issues could mean it will take longer. But, by giving the body what it needs to heal and repair the damages of the past, it will eventually be able to focus on shedding the fat the body doesn't want either! 

  There is zero scientific evidence anywhere that says you cannot lose weight regardless of health, age or gender. (I love this statistic from Gina.)

  The majority of these people who have a slow start go on to reach their goals.

  Losing weight is just the start of the 4 stages towards reaching and maintaining your "finally and forever" as Gina calls it. Her plan teaches us how to maintain and sustain the loss permanently. Yes, permanently!

  I think the biggest challenge with Gina's program is that it takes time. It is not a quick fix. 

  In a culture where everything is about NOW, it may not appeal to everyone. I figured since it took 59 years to get as heavy as I was, if it only takes 2-3 years to get me back to what I weighed in my twenties, I'll take the slow route thank you very much!

  Because I feel great!

  Now, if I could only preach the love of Jesus as much as I've shared about the program...Or maybe this is preaching the love of Jesus because I see how much stress and shame and guilt is attached to body size. I see a culture that uses food for comfort which in the end is of no comfort at all. This is not what God wants for anyone. 

 

  The 91 day Fall/Winter program only costs $75 Canadian. Sign up soon because Gina's groups have a 100% sell out rate. 

  Someone said to me the other day, "You're not going to lose so much weight that we don't recognize you are you?"

  It surprised me a bit so I didn't know how to respond until much later.

  "I will lose the weight I need to lose until the body God designed especially for me is finally revealed!" 

  While my goal number has some flexibility because it involves my body telling me when to stop, the one I've picked will be 63% less than when I began last April! Holy Cow! That's a whole other not-so-small person inside of me that will be forced to vacate the premises!  Praise God and AMEN!

  

  

Momentum

   "But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." Philippians 3:12

  The bathroom scale greeted me with a new lowest low this morning: the measure of success! Tracking what's happening is the sole purpose of the scale. My weight loss pattern is spending two or three days hovering around one number then I drop for a couple of days. Then I go up a bit, hover, lose more and repeat. Knowing this pattern has eased my mind considerably around normal weight fluctuations, even while aiming to lose!

  It's not normal to stay the same weight day in and day out. Stress, lack of sleep and even eating salty foods can cause fluctuations. I've learned so much! 

  While Gina Livy's program is not Christian based, I have watched her model the values that are important to me as a believer: love, grace, truth, vulnerability, encouragement, and empathy are the fundamental values that make this process unique in the diet world. She is a fierce protector of her participants and will not allow negative or insulting behaviour towards anyone involved in the FB support group. Oh, and her patience! She answers the same question over and over and over again while never getting frustrated with questioners. 

  I am no where near as patient and find myself frequently thinking, "Sheesh, people, just read the information!"

  Which isn't nice because this judgement is based on the ample time available to do the reading, the listening, the learning and the huge successes so far. 

  I should be thanking God for how easy it has been for the scale to drop; that there are no underlying health issues or missing body parts making it harder to lose; that I have love, support and encouragement from people around me. I should be giving thanks that my brain is able to retain much of the information after reading or hearing it one time. I should be giving thanks for not only having the courage, but also the blog and the art, to unravel the emotions and triggers that have come up throughout this process. 

  Most of all, I should give thanks that my mental health journey has already made me aware of my body's signals. It has not been difficult to hear what it says in regards to what it wants for dinner! 

  I should be praying for those who don't have these things! 

  Oh, Lord, such are the many, many blessings Your generosity has provided! Seeing it all laid out like this is truly humbling because without God's design and plans for my life, I would have none of these things. 

  I'd like to lose this critical side of myself. 

  Hold on a minute while I think this one through...Jesus says to love our neighbour as ourselves. I once heard someone say, "If we can't love ourselves, God help our neighbour." 

  My own inner critic has been getting even more disarmed, dismantled and cast aside since the start of the program and with the help of my friend. I can pray that the patience, gentleness and compassion I've found pouring out over my own struggles and inadequacies will overflow to everyone around me. 

  I can ask the Lord to remind me to pray instead of judge. I can also ask Him to help me be more aware of the leading of the Holy Spirit about how to pray and who to pray for. If listening to my belly is so easy, why is this so hard?

  I think this is the evolution of my faith. It is taking me towards an even deeper experience as a Christian. As it should be! Mostly, my walk with the Lord has been about finding healing for the deep, deep hurts that created the Black River. Like a river flowing into the sea, the currents of faith and living waters have incorporated its existence. They will forever be a part of what shaped me but the forward momentum of grace's tide is unstoppable!

  I only need to do what I need to do to see this happen.

  Lord, help me be a better person towards others. Fill me with grace and patience so the critic's voice is forever silenced. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

   

Filling Time

   "No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." Matthew 6:15-16

  I am patiently waiting for paint to dry so I can do touch ups as needed. It's better to keep myself busy because I have a tendency rush the process. Paint ends up getting smeared which means major touch ups and fixes.  

  It's my work's 25th Anniversary. this year. We are hosting a big barbeque/gathering this Friday. It's a double celebration for us. We are now fully open. It's taken about a month to unpack everything, purchase what was lost in last year's fire so that's a big part of why we're having the party.

 

  The paint is being used to put our logo on a large canvas which also marks this milestone. The plan is to have markers for everyone to sign the canvas rather than having a guest book that gets stuffed onto a shelf somewhere. As I was painting, I thought it would be cool to share it with our other sites so they could also have people sign it. I think they are going to have their own celebrations, too. 

  My friend and I got our bikes back. They needed a general servicing after gathering dust in the shed for a couple of years. They needed servicing by someone who knows something about bikes. There's a local man who rebuilds, fixes, and sells used bikes. He told my friend that he would take any bike and that he had just shipped off 100 bikes to Africa for those in need. I think he's in his 90's.

  We took them for a test drive when we got home and they are running smoothly. It's a good workout for the ole legs and gets my heart rate up. Walking doesn't have the same effect for sure.

  Our session of the Gina Livy program is winding up in a few more days. Gina is offering a free "bridge the gap" group for those of us in the summer program who also signed up for her fall session. I haven't quite figured out how I am going to tackle the gap. 

  There's a couple of options. One is to repeat the first few weeks of the program until the fall one starts. The other is to personalize the plan. 

  This option involves being mindful of hunger, what the body wants to eat, and when while still sticking to the nutrient rich diet I've been eating so far, and not going longer than 3.5 hours without eating. Hard to believe how much eating has helped with weight loss! Keeping up with hydration is also important. This will give my body the chance to solidify the weight that's been lost so far before beginning another session geared at further loss. 

  I have time to figure out what will work best.

  It's been an amazing journey so far. I can't wait to see what is in store for the fall! There's a slew of exercises for those of us who don't exercise just waiting to be utilized. I might have to draw a "how-to" poster rather than having to search for the instruction videos. If it's in my face, the better chance at success. Kind of like leaving my laptop out makes me want to write. 

  My paint is dry. I hope you have an amazing day! And if you think of me on Friday, please pray for no rain!

   

  .

Doubt

   "You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever." Psalm 16:11

   Hmmm...what about doubt? What is it? Is it a bad thing?

  When I think of Thomas, who doubted the Lord's resurrection, Jesus met him where he was at. Thomas was able to see first hand that He had come back from the dead. Jesus didn't condemn him for his doubts. Then Jesus blessed all the people who will never see Him alive for believing by faith alone.

   I think doubt and faith go hand in hand. I think of the numbers of people who doubted the existence of Jesus; who delved into study only to discover He is real. This is a good thing. Their doubt made them seekers of the Kingdom!

  Then there's the doubt that paralyzes and sucks the life out of dreams. Which has me thinking it's also the kind that shuts out God's abilities to move in and through us. It closes us off from unlimited possibilities.

  There are lots of questions rolling around the ole gray matter this morning...

  Is my faith sufficient?

  Is my ability to believe that God will do what He says He will do strong enough to push doubt aside?

  Do I trust Him? 

  Do I trust a God who allowed a disciple to put his hand into the wounds of His Son? 

  Do I even have to purge myself of doubt before good things will happen?

  Isn't faith believing in spite of doubt? 

  When I started the Gina Livy program, I joined to support my friend. It didn't make sense to eat differently. At the time, I doubted there was anything in it for me. O boy, was I wrong!

  Doubt has been cast aside as the non-scale victories keep piling up, never mind the lost weight! Eating the foods God designed us to eat has been life changing.

  But I wouldn't have known these blessings without signing up in spite of my doubts and suspicions about yet another diet plan. 

  I would love to be able to nominate Gina for a Nobel prize for her life changing work. It's already reaching around the globe.

  Do I have the ability to keep showing up despite the doubts. And yes, I am talking about writing the book.

  Oh...smile... I've been doing this all along. 

  There was raising children who I didn't give birth to. They came into my life at an early age for all of us. While there is much I would love to be able to do over, I did the best that I could with the tools I had at the time. Most of those were broken already.

  Then there was life on the farm and everything I didn't know about livestock or tractors or hay balers yet still managed to do okay.

  I think of all the things that have been built and made and created despite having very little knowledge to begin with.

  Then there's my mental health journey. I kept showing up despite the hard, hard things that needed to be overcome. During the grinding weeks and months and years, I trusted God to heal my wounds. For a long time, my only hope was this healing would finally happen the moment He took me home. Boy, was I wrong!

  (Smile.) Doubt has been ground into grit through a faith that has sustained, nurtured and encouraged every step made, every project ever built, every word that was ever typed. It was a faith that existed long before I knew Jesus as Lord.

  Even though doubt may whisper in my ear now and again, I am in this for the long haul. There's no deadline, no pressure to get the book written, all I can do is keep showing up just like I've done my entire life. 

  I know there will be a wonderful, amazing moment when I hear God say, "It is finished!"

  AMEN!

  

  

  

Success

  "And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!" Psalm 90:17

  I keep wrestling with the idea of pride. I have no idea why I am so afraid of it. Is afraid even the right word? 

  I've begun writing the book about the Art of Prayer. There's a constant, toxic chorus in the background. These objectors are fighting hard to stop me in my tracks, to fill my mind with doubt and insecurity. It makes it very hard to concentrate. 

  Maybe they are the source of my fear.

  Ya think?

  I do my best to ignore them because they are lying. I know they are! The coarse and shrieking shadow voices hell bent on tearing these first tentative efforts to shreds are not coming from God.

  A few posts ago, God showed me that pride and confidence are not the same thing at all. It helped me understand that utilizing God's gifts to the best of my ability is what I am supposed to do! 

  As a bit of an aside, the first time I was hospitalized for my mental health, I vaguely remember telling the intake nurse that I was supposed to be here, that God had assured me this is where I needed to be. At some point during my stay they reached out to the counsellor I'd been seeing for a while.

  She shared with me after I was discharged that they had some concerns about the fact I was hearing God speak to me. Her response to their inquiries was absolutely priceless, "Do you think that maybe it's because she is a Christian?" 

  She saved me from being mis-diagnosed with schizophrenia.

  All of us hear voices at some time or another. It could be hearing a beloved dog bark after he or she is no longer on this earth. It could be the voice of a loved one, too, whom God has taken home. It's normal to have these auditory experiences.

  Maybe I hear more because when the focus is on writing I am in a posture of vulnerability before my Lord. I may be typing but I am also listening for God's input and revelations. Maybe that's why I end up hearing the enemy of my soul who is trying to drown Him out with his poisonous words.

  Folks, there's a battle going on here. But I know the harder the enemy works to tear me down, the more I dig in my heels to follow God's calling. The louder the enemy is, the more attuned I am to hearing Truth: the beautiful, sweet, gentle voice of lightness and life.

  

  I've become so used to the kitchen table being my safe place, my sanctuary, I've forgotten the basics of Christian 101: PRAY! Pray the prayers of protection. Pray the authority of Christ to banish the devil's voice. Pray for God to bless the keyboard, the table, my home with His presence and His Spirit.

  Dear readers, if the Lord brings me to mind, please pray for the protection I need to write the book because you know what? The enemy wouldn't be fighting so desperately to stop it if it wasn't something that has tremendous value. What that is I will learn in due time. For now, all I am called to do is write.

  Thank you so much!

AMEN.

  

  

  

Vanity

 "Don't copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

  Today's guest on Gina's live was a plastic surgeon. While we listened to him share about the various treatments for saggy, aging, loose skin I couldn't help but realize how many unhappy people there are in this world. I couldn't help but realize there are people who invest tens of thousands of dollars to not "look their age."

  A while back there was an ad on a local TV station for a cosmetic surgeon. The woman had obviously utilized their services. Her face did not look natural or move naturally. Her eyes and mouth were too tight, too frozen. I likened it to a scary clown. It wasn't a good face to advertise what plastic surgery can do.

  How sad...how sad that she had to go to such lengths to see herself as beautiful but I wonder...did she? Or did she keep on trying other ways to stave off the toll of time? Did she keep thinking someone else could make her beautiful?

  I've probably written about her before because she touched my woman's heart with deep sorrow. She has a face I cannot forget.

  I am not against using surgical methods if there is a need. Even for myself down the road. I have very deep set eyes and yes, eyebrows, like the rest of me, feel the effect of gravity. There may come a point when it is impossible to keep my eyes open so an eye lift might become a necessity. However, if the weight loss delays the need for surgery, that's an added bonus! 

 Hmm...if there is a need. Who am I to decide for someone if there is or isn't a need?

  So...vanity...is it looking in the mirror and celebrating the impact weight loss has on every part of my body? Is it vain to celebrate that my own middle-aged jowls are less noticeable? What about the the incredible shrinking double chin? The belly shelf is being put back where it belongs, too.

  I guess the bigger question is this: Is being thinner my barometer of beauty?

  Maybe. 

  But maybe it's because my features were lost, compressed, blurred and swallowed by all the extra weight I was carrying. 

  Maybe looking in the mirror is more like seeing the real me coming out of the shadows. Maybe seeing the woman who didn't take care of herself shrink away into a distant memory is actually an exercise in gratitude.

  Because I am grateful.

  Looking in the mirror is where I can see God's healing within be manifested. It's okay to need proof or the encouragement this brings because there is still a ways to go. All I know is this wonderful body will let me know when we've got there.

  Thanks You, Lord, for all You have done through Gina's program. Thank You that it has helped me understand on a deeper level how wonderfully made we are. AMEN.

Discipline

   "Let the favor of our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us: yes, establish the work of our hands!" Psalm 90:17

  "Those who I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent." Revelation 3:19

  "There has not only been a growing mind body connection, my heart and soul have joined them. I can finally dare to have plans for the future. What I want will happen if I keep showing up to do the things I need to do to get there. Thank you for teaching me that discipline isn't the bad guy. It doesn't judge or punish or squash hope. It doesn't demand more. Discipline is doing the very best that I can do every single day." Me...part of last night's comment in the Gina Livy FB group.

  Life has taught me that discipline was used by those in power to make sure I toed the line according to their needs, wants and demands on my life. Discipline was a weapon of control that dared not be questioned. While no rod crossed my back, the silent treatment, the smouldering rage or unadulterated fury aimed my way whenever I deviated from what was demanded crushed my ability to think for myself.

  This was never, ever allowed.

  Love was never, ever involved. 

  "Side back, side front, turn, two, three, four..." I kept on dancing the Highland Fling.

  It's time to kick the devil's piper to the kerb. 

  This morning I repent of the ingrained behaviours learned from those who want or wanted complete obedience to their demands. I repent of living according to the parameters others set of how I should live my life, of how I should behave, and of how I should walk and talk and breathe and sleep (this is not an exaggeration.) I repent of the fear that comes whenever I make a decision, or set a goal for myself. I repent of believing these are punishable offenses. 

  I ask God to forgive me for shutting down the ability to dream the dreams He planted in my heart. I ask God to forgive me for having no idea what these were because the fear that paralyzed my heart and mind shut Him out, too.

  "Jesus loves me this I know..." the comforting words used to sing myself to sleep as a child got lost along the way. But I sing this song today because Jesus loves me this I know because He has shown me just how deep, how long, how patient His love is.

  I've had enough of living in fear.

  If I have the discipline to write a blog for eleven years; if discipline enables me to follow a diet by doing the things that need to be done; if discipline enabled me to do the work to rise above once crippling mental health challenges then I already have the discipline to see the dream God planted in my heart come to fruition. 

  I only need to show up and do the things that need to be done to make this happen.

  That is discipline: the kind that feeds into joy and hope and confidence; the kind that fills a life with purpose and dignity and self-respect.

  God has given me a gift in teaching me the Art of Prayer. It is not mine to hoard or hide or keep to myself. I've already shared the little booklet here and that was a great start. It is only part of the story, though. Using art as a form of prayer is far deeper, far richer than those few pages can encompass.

  I only need to show up and do the things that need to be done to make a book happen. 

  God is the author, I am His pen. He taught me the discipline of listening to what He wants to say. It is a great reassurance that He will be with me every step of the way. 

  I can do this. With God who strengthens me, I can!

  And I will.

   AMEN!

  

  

  

  

  

Sight

   "Jesus asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?" 

    "Lord," he said, "I want to see!"

     And Jesus said, "All right, receive your sight! Your faith has healed you." Instantly, the man could see, and he followed Jesus, praising God. And all who saw it praised God, too.

Luke 18:40-43

  If someone is blind and their vision is restored through surgery or even an eye transplant, it takes the brain time to make sense of the new input. Someone who has never seen a chair or a table or a book but only had touch to give these things shape and form would need some time for their brain to connect the sensory information with the visual. 

  I take seeing colour for granted. This would be a whole new world to learn about and explore if you once were blind.

  It's no wonder the man praised God because all of this was healed and brought into alignment instantly. His brain was healed as the unused neural pathways connected to vision were brought to life! This miracle is so much bigger than just not being able to see then being able to see perfectly!

  Lord? Where are You taking me this morning?

  I have sight. 

  But I can also be blind, can't I?

  My eyes don't always show me the truth.

  Those neural pathways devoted to sight can be influenced by what we imagine we are seeing. Point in case, the post a while back about looking like a "hard chore." Since then I've been able to reframe how I look at the picture.

  Instead of a hard chore, I see a woman who has lived a life full of sorrow and pain. I see a woman who didn't like getting her picture taken.

  I was blind, but now I see.

  My friend and I take a progress photo every Sunday to give us visual proof for how well the Gina Livy program is working. The weight loss might not be large, but the body continues to change as it gets the nutrition and water it needs. Gina, in her colourful language, constantly says losing twenty pounds through her program will look like forty on any other starvation/deprivation diet. I believe it. 

  I heard somewhere that losing ten pounds would mean losing an inch around the waist. My waist has slimmed down by a whopping four and a half! I've lost twenty-three pounds and the scale continues to drop. 

  Since writing about the "hard chore," I've become kinder. Subsequent pictures see a happier me who can take a picture and celebrate the victories caught by the camera. It's not just my waist that's slimmer, it's everywhere!

  Sorrow brings its own kind of blindness. So do fear and shame.

  For the last seventy-one days, I have been immersed in a virtual community whose only intention is to see all of succeed in a weight loss journey towards our finally and forever goal. This community of "losers" want to help us succeed in overcoming the blind spots, the lies, the doubts about who we are. It's so much more than simply losing weight. Losing the emotional baggage some of us have carried our entire lives is even more important!

  Not only is my body healing from years of neglect and poor nutrition, my mind is healing from years of neglect and poor nutrition, too. This daily feast of encouragement is affirming and reinforcing all that God has taught me over the years on the Black River. It's helping me to embrace His truth!

  I am finally starting to see that I am Cricket. She is me and I am her. (Smile. All the good things I see in her are in me!) The years of keeping her locked away, of blaming her, of hating her...heck...let's call it what it is...hating myself are over. All the pieces of me are becoming one person. 

  When we lock away our hurts, we lock away a piece of ourselves. I know that now but the only way I knew to survive was to lock down the pain in case it swallowed me alive. Shutting down Cricket was collateral damage. This way of coping is unsustainable. The locker room exploded. Thank God!

  My eyes aren't perfect yet. It's hard to shut the toxic voices down that are intent on messing with my vision; the ones who cry out against this tremendous personal growth. But, and it's a big BUT...I was blind BUT now I SEE! 

  Amen and praise God for all He has done because this is freaking amazing!

  

  

   

  

  

  

  

Thunderstorm

   "The Lord is my light and my salvation--so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" Psalm 27:1

  A massive thunderstorm worked its way across the province yesterday evening. There were tornado watches and warnings for areas a half hour north of here. The distant thunder was unbelievable! A constant, incessant growling from the heavens went on and on. Until it was heard no more as the storm and warnings headed east.

  It completely missed here. A half dozen drops of rain and it was over. I gave thanks for not being directly underneath such thundering fury because thunderstorms and I don't get along. We never have.

  I may have written about this a long time ago but I woke up several times through the night with this topic on my mind. It needs revisiting because the storm and frantic alerts coming through the TV sent a memory postcard into the forefront of my brain.

  It was another summer, another storm. A child cried out in fear but found no comfort, only abandonment and insult. It's when Cricket learned to never mention being afraid despite the terror in her tiny breast every time another thunderboomer rolled in. She learned to never mention being afraid about anything.

  And another postcard popped up...It also involves water and fear. One of the tests in swimming lessons was to jump in the pool fully clothed. The object was to remove the wet clothing that would pull you under the water. I thought I was going to drown. It was so hard.

  I am still here so I must have successfully accomplished the test but the fear memory still wraps itself around my heart. The memory of frantically gasping for air, of barely breaking the surface, of sinking is so real, it could have been yesterday.

  Adult me realizes the swimming teacher would have leapt in to save me had I not broken the surface for air. Adult me realizes there was really no danger. I just remember wanting to cry when I finally crawled out of the pool utterly exhausted by the physical demands and the emotional overload. But I didn't. 

  Fear was a dirty little secret that must never be shared.

  My friend and I walked up the road while the thunder faded into the distance. (Smile.) Yup, ignored the warnings about when you can hear thunder, lightening can strike. I kept my concerns, aka fears, to myself. I guess fear is still my dirty little secret but today is going to change that.

  Last night, I needed to move. I needed to do something to distract me from such contemptuous and childish nonsense. (Sorry, Cricket. Sometimes I am my own enemy.)

  The birds were silent. The air was oppressive, thick with humidity and smoke from all the wildfires.

  During one of last night's awakenings, God changed my thinking about my fear of thunderstorms. 

  I've come to realize much of my anxiety is due to a sensitivity to the EMFs so prevalent in today's society. I've taken steps to protect my body from them and it's been a tremendous help in easing the constant jangling of my nerves.

  It's no wonder the massive electrical power generated by a thunderstorm causes such discomfort! It's no wonder my body responds with an overload of fight/flight hormones! If a microwave or a cell phone network can generate a powerful response, how much greater is it when the snarling clouds touch heaven?

  The birds and animals feel the electrical power of a thunderstorm and they hunker down. They respect and obey their inner warning system. They find shelter.

  And after the storm? Oh how they sing with joy!

  I felt the same release as the evening sun peered out from behind the massive bank of storm clouds and bathed the world in gold. The need to run, to hide, to be afraid, lifted from my child's soul.

  Moving forward, I may continue to be "afraid" of thunderstorms but the understanding that it is simply my survival mechanisms kicking in will give me the grace and patience to ride out the storm. I won't condemn this response. I won't negate the feeling. Instead, I'll stay sheltered, hold Cricket close to my heart and not abandon her in her need like I did last night. 

  Now, love, about your fear of drowning...why don't you tell me about it? God is with us both.

  He has all the answers. AMEN!