Sabotage

 "Just say a simple, "Yes, I will," or "No, I won't." Anything beyond this is from the evil one." Matthew 6:37

  It's already day 18 of the Gina Livy program. The time has flown past! There's been so much information to chew on already (pun intended). The next step is to examine some potential stumbling blocks that might hamper the forward momentum. 

  We've been asked to think about self-sabotage, the things we do or say that put up road blocks to success. I don't think this is really an issue for me at this point. The Lord has taken me on so many journeys already that patience is ingrained. Like my journey with the Lord, the program will provide next steps at the exact moment we are ready for the next steps. 

  I've never been the kind of person who skips to the last pages of a book to see how it ends.

  There is one sabotage idea among many Gina asked us to think about. In all her questions, this is the one that stood out for me.

 "Are you afraid losing weight will make you attractive to men?"

  Is that a yes I hear in my heart? 

  Although, there was an incident in my early 40's when I was thin, trim and fit from working in the paint department at a hardware store. Tossing paint cans and ten gallon pails around for eight hours was like a gym workout every day. Funny, how it comes to mind now.

  A man came in looking for my co-worker who wasn't there that day. He wasn't looking for paint. When I asked him if I could help him, he looked me up and down with utter contempt and said in a voice filled with disgust, "You're not the one I want. I want the other one." He stormed away. His friend looked at me with pity. Perhaps he was ashamed of his friend's rude behaviour.  

  I don't remember if he said anything to me. I only remember feeling like I'd been slapped in the face.

  I told my co-worker the next time we worked together what had happened and warned her to be careful of him, if he should turn up again. This brief interaction showed me exactly what type of person he was: the kind who doesn't care about the person in a woman's body. 

  Lord, how does this play into today? Have I used weight as a buffer against unwanted attentions?

  Oh...and there it is.

  I am afraid that being thin will be perceived as permission for men to be abusive. 

  Oh. Lord...there are far too many memories of this type of thing.

  I am sad, too, that this is the most prevalent lesson I learned about men from men.

  It would seem there's more healing needed. Maybe I can start by choosing to forgive the jerk. (Smile...sorry about the name calling but it was the most polite one I could think of.) Maybe I can be thankful for the friend who silently acknowledged what had happened was terribly wrong.

  Hear my prayer, oh Lord. I choose to forgive this man with no name. I also ask that you reveal other strongholds where this idea still festers. Help me find grace for the men who fed this lie through their harsh words and evil choices.

   Dear Jesus, don't let it destroy what I am trying to do. Be with me today as I find myself re-experiencing the pain that only someone who has been abused can understand. AMEN!