In the Name of Love

  “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Ps 91:1

 

  When my heart breaks, God gives me art. For this I give thanks.

  More allegations against Bruxy have been made by two women who used www.hagarsvoice.com to speak about what happened to them. These recent situations have yet to be investigated but I am not surprised. Once someone has wandered, it’s easier to justify doing it again. Oh, Lord, what a mess.

  My heart bleeds for his wife and daughters.

  My heart bleeds because Hagar's story is a story of multiple churches and multiple clergy of all denominations. Thank God these brave women are breaking the silence.

  My heart bleeds for the women who are coming forward. Some of them have taken thirty years to tell their story.

  Why does it take so long?

  You see, there’s this code of silence whenever abuse happens. Our own shame is a huge part of it. “How could I?” “Why didn’t I stop him?” “How could I be so stupid?”

  How do things get so twisted?

  Grooming is an insidious thing.

  Abuse doesn’t happen overnight and that’s the hardest part to understand. Men who abuse women take their time to exert their authority over them. They do and say the right things to make us fall in love with them. Only then is that love twisted into a dagger they use against us…we need to prove our love over and over. It may mean obedience. It may mean never questioning. Abuse is definitely being joined together by a conspiracy of secrets.  

  I was the proverbial frog in the cold water pot. The poor thing doesn't even know the heat has been turned up until it's too late. 

  While I can't speak to clergy sexual abuse, I can speak of the spousal kind.

  It takes time until we come to realize to keep the peace, our needs are secondary.  Often our needs are used against us…the silent treatment, the threat of violence, and withholding intimacy are about having power.  

  Love blinds us.

  I can’t say this enough!

   It's the biggest part of grooming, this invitation to love according to the rules of the abuser. 

  When things are good, we hold an illogical hope things have changed. They haven’t. Then it happens again…it’s good for a while. Then it’s not.

  Eggshell walking becomes a state of being.

  Grooming is often aided by cultural influences. 

   I watched the musical, Oliver, a while back. There’s a woman in the story who is involved with a violent criminal. He treats her like crap but she sings out her heart…”As Long As He Needs Me.” Something is terribly wrong about this. And maybe, having watched this many times over the years, I thought this was the way it should be.

  Charles Dickens’ book the movie was based on has a poignant conversation that doesn’t appear in the movie or maybe a shorter version does. I forget. Anyways, she confesses to a wealthy lady it’s all she thinks she deserves because she was trapped by crimes of her own.

  This is something abusers look for. They look for women who struggle with low self esteem or perhaps were already victims of bullying, neglect and abuse.

  They win us over with kindness and inclusion.

  We grow to love them to the point we become their fiercest protectors. He needs me!

  This is why it takes thirty years to come forward. We are unable to betray this illogical love for the one who hurt us the most. We are unable to destroy the public persona of the one who took so much from us. Love doesn’t do that sort of thing, does it?

  For those of us who finally come forward, the internal wrestling match is unbelievably complicated. Guilt, feelings of betraying his “love”, a massive dose of responsibility…I didn’t say, “NO!” It’s admitting our shameful secret, how badly we failed to make him happy. Compliancy is equated with being a complicit and willing partner.

  It's hard to believe how grateful I am for my ex's infidelity even now, many years later. (That was a journey of its own.)  I hadn't even realized I was in an abusive relationship because my freedoms were taken away so gradually and subtly ( Love the frog in a pot metaphor.) God knew this was the one thing that could set me free, painful as it was. It also led to my becoming a follower of Jesus. 

  My ex's choice proved unequivocally he didn't need me after all.

  He was utterly surprised when I left, holding him accountable for the first time in our entire 20 year relationship. He thought I should be okay with his seeing other women because it was my fault he had to. Wow. He must have thought I was fully trained by this point.

  Surprise!!

  Which leads me to ponder, why did I think I needed him? 

  That is an integral part of grooming. I fully believed I didn't deserve better and his "love" for me was a huge gift. Being told in countless way that nobody could ever love me or would want to love someone damaged as I was made me grateful for his kind attentions when he deemed to dole them out. (Man, that's an ugly thing to see in print but, hey, it was what it was. I know better now.)

  Let’s reiterate one very important point: an abusive relationship is all about one person exerting control over another.

  Love doesn’t do that. 

  Ever.