A Contemplation

  Background story: Jesus and his disciples had been invited to a wedding. So was Mary, His mother. They ran out of wine so Mary approached Jesus. He performed His miracle of turning water into wine.

  “Standing nearby were six stone jars, used for Jewish ceremonial washing. Each could hold close to thirty gallons.” John 2:6

  I am reading an abridged version of “The End of Religion” by Bruxy Cavey. He points out in the book that miracle is meant to be the word for sign. (I am going to have to do a lot of reading with this new understanding of what Jesus’ miracles, the signs pointing to His divinity, were all about! It is so much more than simply being able to perform wonders because He was the Son of God. They are really lessons about His message of love and faith in Him as well as a challenge to the status quo. But that’s thoughts for another day.)

  Bruxy also said in his book that Jesus could have used all the empty wine skins or flasks or casks to perform this miracle but He didn’t. He used sacred water jars that were set aside for Jewish religious practices.

  His first miracle, or sign of His divinity, was to challenge the religious rituals of His people; rituals that had replaced relationship. He used something held sacred for religious reasons to bless everyone with a whole lot of wine to celebrate the joyous union of two people. Apparently, it was pretty good wine, too!

  That alone is fascinating but my mind ended up leaping elsewhere.

  I’d mentioned a couple of days ago how Jesus made sure the Disciples had swords so they could be counted as rebels according to Roman law that forbade Jews from having weapons.

  He was arrested by the Pharisees but could not be killed by them because they had to follow God’s Law about killing. That’s how Pontius Pilate, the local appointed Roman governor, ended up involved.

  Back to the water jars. “The religious leaders would wash their hands ceremonially as a way of symbolizing their desire to remain free from sin.” (Thanks, Bruxy, for the historical context.)

  Just before Pontius condemned Jesus to death, he washed his hands with water in front of the crowd, saying, “I am innocent of this man’s blood; see you to it.” Mathew 27:24

  Hmmmm… Pontius Pilate used a Jewish religious practice…why? I can speculate that he did this as a mockery of Jewish beliefs. Or maybe he misunderstood the practice and believed the hand washing was a way to be absolved of sin as opposed to being emblematic of the desire. It could also be for many other reasons. Since I don’t know what was in Pontius’ heart, I have no way of knowing the full reasons for his choosing to wash his hands.

   The Pharisees killed Jesus by wielding a Roman weapon. I think the manipulation of Pontius to do their "dirty work" is the same as if they had drawn a sword themselves. Yet, “His accusers couldn’t enter the headquarters of the Roman governor because it would defile them and they wouldn’t be allowed to celebrate the Passover.” John 18:28

  (My brain feels like it’s going to explode!)

  Back to the jars...There were six! Each one held twenty to thirty gallons of water. That’s a lot of hand washing for a public display of a desire to be free of sin. Desire is only the first step. Desire without action, without change, without taking responsibility for choices and actions, is nothing. And gallon after gallon would disappear. But, in reality, and behind closed doors, the Pharisees did not live up to such public proclamations. Behind closed doors they plotted murder.

  Time after time, Jesus challenges the religious leaders. From stone tossing to healing on the Sabbath, He demonstrated that religion wasn't the answer. He was.

  Thanks to Jesus, I don’t have to wash my hands. (Smile.) I mean, I do. Hygiene is important. (Another smile.)

  I get the feeling I am just scratching the surface in uncovering the profound connections all these Bible stories have with each other. It’s been a couple days of incredible revelation that has enriched my understanding of some of the key components to my faith. Right alongside these revelations is a growing understanding of who Jesus is and what His life and death and life accomplished.

  It has also shaken up my ideas of religion. I blog religiously but I don't blog because of a requirement to do so. This idea was shaken out of me very early when there was a whole lot of guilt when I didn't write seven days a week. That, I feel, is where and why Jesus challenges religion. I blog because it has been a wonderful way to to ponder and explore life.

  I am also going to encourage my readers not to take my words as “gospel truth”. There is much I don't fully understand. I heartily encourage you to embark on a journey of seeking the truth of Jesus for yourselves. God bless your journey. AMEN!

It's Not What I Thought It Was

  “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” Mathew 3:2 NIV

  I have chosen to use the NIV translation instead of the New Living Translation that I usually work from because it aligns nearly word for word to a few other translations I checked out. The NLV is written as “Repent for your sins and turn to God, for the Kingdom of God is near.”

  But I learned something tonight. Something important that can’t wait until tomorrow because it’s an earlier work day so no post in the morning. I also wanted to think about what I learned tonight at home church while it is still fresh in my mind.

  In many of my road trips, I’ve seen this verse on billboards. It’s often one that ends up being on TV during a sports broadcast. It’s also the one the crazy guy in the movies has written on a piece of cardboard and is holding it up to passing cars. Most often he shows up in the movies where the world is ending. (I watch those frequently…it’s a thing. Maybe it’s because the world always ends up saved in some form or another.)

  This verse has always troubled me. I’d always felt shamed and convicted and inadequate because it drove home the understanding that I was a sinner. It burdened me every time I drove past the scroll emblazoned billboards, even before I came to Jesus and it has burdened me off and on since.

  I thought repent meant I was to get down on my hands and knees and beg God’s forgiveness for everything I had done wrong. I thought I could never repent enough to be worthy of such unconditional love, sinner that I am. I keep on sinning. I keep on doing things that keep me apart from God.

  Oh, Lord, what terrible ideas can come our way when we lack understanding!

  And I have to say, it pays to read more than one translation because I feel the NLV missed the boat on this one. I feel it should read, repent from your sins and turn to God.

  Tonight, I have learned what “repent” actually means.

  The Greek word, originally used before it was translated into English as “repent”, implies a change of mind and purpose.  (www.biblehub.com)

  A change of mind and purpose usually includes a change of direction in my experience.

  Instead of feeling helpless about making changes in my life, to repent in the true sense of the word has empowered me tremendously because it is all about having the freedom to choose. Instead of being ashamed of how I eat, what I weigh, and a bunch of other things that I constantly ask God to forgive me for, I can repent! I can go in a different direction.

  (Long Pause.)

  I honestly didn’t know I had that much power. (There’s a pretty big back story to the reasons for believing I didn’t.)

 

  This is big. No. It’s bigger than big but I know for sure the direction I am going in is the right one because it is pointing right to Jesus.

  And I will end with a smile, imagining myself in the peanut butter aisle, walking past my favorite instead of putting it in the cart. That, my friends, is true repentance!

A New Naure

  “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator, and become like him. In this new life it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.” Colossians 3:10-11

  He lives in all of us because He died for all of us as atonement for our sin, the things that keep us apart from God. At-one-ment was and is the purpose of His life and death and life.

  I have to thank The Meeting House for those last, most important words about Jesus: He lived. He died. He lived again. They are beautiful in their simplicity.

  I think I am also getting a better understanding of what it means to follow Him because of it. So I lived, in the world, ruled by the world, full of fear and shame and guilt and a mountain of things that had served to keep me apart from God. I died to that person the moment I confessed to follow Jesus. A couple of years later, I was baptized into Christ, a resurrection out of the water, a literal washing away of sin. In Christ, I have lived and died, was buried by water, and rose out of the water to live again.

  And what a life it is!

  This life I have with Jesus hasn’t always been smooth. It hasn’t always been happy. It doesn’t always have faith and God at the forefront of all I do and say. It hasn’t always emulated my Lord in my dealings with others. I am an imperfect being who is being perfected through love.

  Life with Jesus is about evolution. Not the survival of the fittest kind of evolution because there is no grace in that, only greed. Survival of the fittest leaves no room for community. It is self-serving not God serving.

  

  Did Jesus come because the “survival” of the un-fittest was one of the most important things to God? (Smile.)  

  Oh, my goodness! YES! Story after story in the New Testament proves this true, how the unworthy of society were loved and healed during and through the life of Jesus: the Samaritan woman at the well, Mary Magdalene who was a prostitute, the lepers, the lame, the blind.

  I have to give thanks for Jesus helping me survive the days on the Black River. I often struggle with trying to reconcile my mental health challenges with a life of faith because of this idea, “I am a follower of Jesus, this shouldn’t be happening to me!”

  As if I could control them. Which, at times, I can’t. So God led me to Vitamin D. (Big smile!) 

  And I am able to put on a new nature, free of depression for now. I say “for now” because I hesitate to hope this is the end of it. God knows I am a bit of a pessimist who tends to over-think and worry and doubt and fear because I am an imperfect being. But pessimism has taught me to lean into God, to place my trust in Him with the sure knowledge that none of my human expectations (or lack of them) will ever come between us. Hmmm….maybe that makes me an optimist!

  See? A new nature. I love it!

A Softened Heart

  “Let your roots grow down into him (Jesus), and let our lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.”

  My son and two and a half year old granddaughter came for a visit on Saturday. She doesn’t see me that often so I stayed back, allowing her to come to me when she was ready. Just before they left, we went outside since the rain had finally stopped. She merrily picked minuscule bits of leaf out of a puddle in my driveway and carefully passed them to me. I accepted each and every one with a big thank you! I was being included in her life, in the moment, coming along side of her as she did this most important task.

  Before they left, I asked her for a hug. She came freely to me. Not only giving me a hug but a kiss as well. She even let me pick her up and put her in the car seat for the journey home. She helped me do up the buckles and straps or should I say, I helped her. Something that almost requires an engineering degree! I can forgive my son for chuckling at my efforts to figure it out because I was laughing right along side him.

  I am grateful my children are teaching their children that they have the right to choose whether or not to be touched or hugged. It is a wonderful lesson about boundaries that will influence their relationships as they grow up. A forced hug only teaches the one being hugged that they have no right to control who touches them. Respecting this right to choose is also a very important lesson.

  My granddaughter also spent some time colouring amongst other things. She had the most fun with a box just big enough to curl up in.

  After they left, I gathered the papers to toss them into the recycling. I debated keeping them, a treasure of her visit, but opted instead to cutting out a small section to hang in the highest place of honour: on the fridge door.

  I learned something important about love as the magnet leapt towards the metal door, pinning the paper. I learned something about being God’s child. It touched the very core of my being.

  Even when we colour outside the lines, our efforts are treasured.

  That’s grace. That’s patience. That’s freedom to practice and grow and hone our abilities in this life of faith in Jesus.

  As for me, this has been one of those "forever changed" moments. I have learned to love just a little bit better.

Better Yet

  “So don’t’ let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality.” Colossians 2:16-17

  Which begs me to ask…How does the reality of Jesus impact, change, shape and influence my life?

  First of all, this reality touches everything no matter if I am on a mountaintop or on the Black River. Jesus is a constant presence who is with me and beside me in all things. Because of him, I hunger to be better than I am. I really, really want to understand the kind of love God wants all of us to experience!

  That is a prayer that has been central to my faith, wanting to understand love. But understanding is only the beginning. There have been lots of beginnings…

  Love isn’t something that Jesus does. Love is what He is.

  So where have “rules” impacted that understanding.

  I confess to struggling with judgment but it hasn’t only been about other people. It has been aimed directly at my own heart. Condemnation is judgment’s partner in crime.

  Oh.

  A slice of humble pie has been served. It is the sweetest pie ever!

  I want to do better. And I am. Slowly. I can be thankful for my job whose foundation is one of acceptance and grace, where there are loads of opportunities to practice letting go of prejudices (judgment in action). It’s a job where I am exposed to lives whose path is far and beyond my own middle class experience. And I am blessed and stretched and grown each time my “normal” is shaken up.

  My job is a blessing that pours an understanding of God’s love and grace into my life outside of work. The more I practice and the more I am challenged, the more loving I will become in my interactions with everyone: family, friends, the cashier at the grocery store, the slow driver...

  So I will end with a prayer.

  Lord, forgive me for judging Your beloved children, Your creations. Reveal to me where my ability to love is broken. Grow me beyond the spoken and unspoken rules that have shaped so much of my life and attitudes. Grow me beyond trying to live according to the rules of what a life of faith looks like. Set me free of the independent, fear based behaviours that like to rule the roost.

 

  Lord, I lift the smallest of prayers to You, the one that falls from my lips all the time, that is core to all I desire and all I believe You to be:

  I WANT TO DO BETTER!

 

  In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN!

  There is much to think about this morning.

  And I also want to clarify what I mean by the "rules". I am not talking about obeying traffic laws. I am talking about the rules that have only served to create distance between God and His children.

I Wonder...

  “But now,” he (Jesus) said, “take your money and a traveler’s bag. And if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one!” Luke 22:36

  The Disciples already had two swords. This was enough for Jesus’ purpose of fulfilling the prophecy about being counted among rebels. It was illegal under Roman law for Jews to own swords. I find it thought provoking that being called a rebel was because of Roman law, not Jewish.

  During Jesus’ arrest, one of the Disciples used their sword to strike the high priest’s slave (or servant depending on the Bible translation) cutting off his right ear.

  Jesus said, “No more of this.” V.51 then healed him.

  I’d always believed it was a soldier, there to arrest Jesus, whose ear was cut off. It is how it was portrayed in the mini-series, The Bible. But then again, I haven’t really thought about this passage except to learn about the miracle of healing Jesus did.

  The slave, or servant, would not necessarily have been a willing participant in the arrest. They may have only been there in their role of servant. To do what? What did the Priests require of such people? Or was this servant a Jewish soldier under the command of the Pharisees?

  In our own time, royalty, the wealthy or those involved in big business rarely go anywhere without a servant or an assistant nearby. Only the pay grade has changed.

  Maybe all this servant was doing is carrying a lantern or torch so his master, coming to arrest Jesus, could see in the dark. There were no street lights.

  This slave, Malchus, is clearly identified as a personal slave belonging to the High Priest which leads me to believe he wasn’t a soldier. Would it be safe to infer he would have been an innocent bi-stander, under the control of his master?

  The High Priest could easily kill him for disobeying. He was only property after all.

  There’s a big lesson here. It’s about grace.

  How many of us get swallowed up by the force of the mob? It might be verbally, in a conversation around the kitchen table that passes judgments with a free and cruel hand. It might be physically by being swept up in a protest that turns violent.

  So I have realized the most important aspect of this part of the Passion story isn’t simply that Jesus is the Messiah who can do miracles. It’s that His miracles of healing are there for anyone who is trapped by circumstances, who may not have the wealth or strength or ability to escape those circumstances.

  But that’s another wonderful thing about Jesus. In Him, we can do all things.

  Sometimes it's hard not knowing how these peoples' stories unfold after what is recorded for us to read, to meditate on; after they met Jesus first hand. It's hard not knowing how lives were changed or even if they were. All I can do is use the gift of imagination. Thank You, Lord, for that gift.

 

An Early Rising: The Gift of Time

  “He said to them, ‘As soon as you enter Jerusalem, a man carrying a pitcher of water will meet you.’” Luke 22:10

 

  A few more thoughts about this passage came to mind as I puttered around the garden, enjoying one of the first really nice days we’ve had this spring.

  I wondered if this pitcher contained the water Jesus washed the Disciple’s feet with. It would make the small parade through Jerusalem all the more significant symbolically not only because it mirrored Jewish ritual, but it turns it on its head by infusing it with humility.

   Jesus tells Peter, who protested Jesus washing his feet, “Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.” John 13:8

  I believe there are many Jewish laws about hygiene, too. Somewhere along the line I heard how dirty feet would get with no sanitation systems in the towns and lots of animals sharing the road. They did wear sandals. Jesus washed far more than dust away. He washed away the dirtiest dirt of the world.

  While typing out the first quote this morning, I also realized this water carrying man is an image of Jesus Himself.

  As I cut away dead branches from the hedge between my neighbour’s yard and mine (isn’t that symbolic!), I spent a great deal of time thinking and praying about my own “journey through Jerusalem.”

  I realized I had a fair bit of forgiving to do.

  My journey has taken me to a few different churches. The reasons I left them were varied. One was simply because I had moved away. Even though it wasn’t all that far, financial difficulties limited my ability to travel.

  Another was because I was hurt and left feeling abandoned during the darkest days on the Black River. I have a vague, ghost of a memory of the pastor coming to the local hospital the first time I was admitted for mental health reasons but that was it. No other contact. That’s where the forgiving needs to happen.  I can give thanks I met one of my dearest friends there who has been by my side all this time.

  Hmmm, this is an area I could use some growth in myself, reaching out to those who may not be able to reach in for any number of reasons.

  I did return a few times. Once was because I was invited to speak about mental health and the Krasman Centre. After the service, I stood in the lobby to offer people an opportunity to speak with me and to hand out flyers. I witnessed more than one person go out of their way to avoid coming anywhere near where I was standing. Lord, I must forgive them for their misunderstanding, their ignorance and prejudice because it did cause me a great deal of hurt. I suppose the hurt is also because of a great deal of pride. (Forgive me, Lord, for judging others!)

  But it was the church where I honoured Jesus’ commands by being baptized there despite having been baptized as a child: the practice of another faith. It is the place I found freedom in worship.

  For a long time, I was simply not well enough to go to church at all. I wanted to but didn’t know where. The church I had been baptized at was simply too big and busy for someone with anxiety. It was overwhelming to think of returning and trying to cope with it all each and every week. I did try on a couple of occasions but it was exhausting.

  So now I am here, attending a smaller church with a big heart and a focus on community, on peace, and of course, on Jesus! I feel I have finally come home. Thank You, Lord for inspiring an acquaintance to invite me to go there.

  I also thought about my transient…what…lack of commitment? Maybe it is part of who I am simply because my life has brought about many moves from across the country to across town. My little house is the longest I've lived anywhere.

  But this transient/transitioning/transforming path leading me to these various churches does not reflect my deeply rooted commitment to God. Pentecostal, Evangelical, Baptist, Presbyterian, Anglican, and Catholic all enriched my life tremendously. They continue to do so! Whether I attended for a season or a day, they helped me on this journey by teaching me the universal message of freedom and love Jesus offers every one of us, regardless of religion. Regardless of how poorly we humans are at living in and through this message.

  Lord, I have spoken of being hurt. Forgive me for hurting others because of my enthusiasm to share Your message or because of neglecting to do just that. Thank You for unlocking my heart so I can learn to love better. In Jesus’ name I pray, AMEN!

Revelation

  “Where do you want us to prepare it (the Passover meal)?” they asked. He (Jesus) replied, “As soon as you enter Jerusalem, a man carrying a pitcher of water will meet you.” Luke 22:9-10

  This is another wonderful insight from Sunday’s service. Jerusalem would have been packed with people gathering to celebrate the Passover. I had always assumed that the Disciples would have been able to find this particular water carrying man because of Divine guidance. How else would they have been able to distinguish the right one?

  Carrying water was women’s work. It still is in many cultures. Women went to the well. Women made sure there was sufficient water to carry on the household tasks of washing, cooking and cleaning. It would have been a laborious and time consuming task.

  But here was a man, confident enough to do women’s work in public. He would have been an unusual sight and therefore easy to spot.

  That’s as much as was discussed in Sunday’s teaching but as I think upon this, I wonder if it isn’t yet another example of how Jesus came to bring acceptance and equality to the genders. Did he use this unusual man to demonstrate to the Disciples that traditional roles were going to be shaken to their core in a very short while?

  Hmmmm….

  Jewish Priests would collect water for certain rituals and celebrations. This gathering of water was done with great ceremony, parades and prayers of rejoicing. (www.biblegateway.com has more detail if you are interested in Jesus, the Source of Living Water.) The water was poured over the Altar as a sacrifice.

  So maybe this man is very significant because he led the Disciples to the Upper Room, through the streets of Jerusalem, symbolically emulating the Priests’ ceremonial parade as he carried a mundane, and oh, so humble household pitcher.

  Wow.

 

  Would the Disciples have understood the connection, the symbolism?

  The Upper Room is where Jesus would join them for the Passover feast right before He was taken, tortured and crucified. It is the place where Jesus served The Last Supper; the place where He released Judas so He could sacrifice Himself for all mankind.

  The Living Water would pour Himself out for all who are thirst for righteousness.

  All because a humble man was willing to do a woman’s work so that Jesus would be able to honour the Law in order to fulfill the Law.

  

  Thank You, my Lord, for showing me this, for Bible Gateway, for the Meeting House and for the Holy Spirit who guided me to this understanding. AMEN!

A Morning Well Spent

  “And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses, having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, (my italics) which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” Colossians 2:13-14

  Sunday’s teaching was eye opening to say the least. Something was said that rocked my world and my understanding of what makes a good and faithful Christian.

  “The Ten Commandments were only given to the Jewish people, not to the Gentiles.“ Bruxy Cavey

  Boy, did that make me sit up and take notice!

  Jesus uses them to teach His followers because they would have been familiar. They would have understood how difficult it is to keep them. Prior to Jesus, the Jewish way, the Law was so important to Paul that he persecuted the followers of Jesus until his conversion which happened after Jesus' death.

  When Jesus is teaching the Disciples and all who would listen, He was building a love perspective in and around the Commandments. Jesus refers to them still making sacrifices for their sin because it was still required. (Mathew 5:23)But, then, He encourages them to examine their heart before doing so. If they have a conflict with their neighbour, they are to go and make peace before making the sacrifice. This is the love perspective He came to give to everyone.

  The need for animal/food sacrifice and the Law was still in place for the Jewish people even though Jesus was present with them because Jesus had not yet died for the sins of the world!

  It changes the way I regard what Jesus personally taught His followers. He used what was familiar to them. It was only after His death that the Disciples carried His message of love for all non-Jewish people to receive (with the exception of a few peoples such as the Samaritans.) Paul so clearly says, “Having wiped out the handwriting of the requirements that was against us.”

  These thoughts also affirm my perspective of the Commandments. In Christ, and through the love He gave the world, they become the Ten Promises. Although until now, I hadn’t fully grasped the significance of that statement. For that reason alone, knowledge of these Commandments remains pertinent to my life as a follower of Jesus. They can teach me what love is not because through the life and death and life of Jesus they transcend their original purpose of being God's rules to live by, the Law.

   If I accept the love of Jesus and love Him with all my heart and with all my soul, I won’t commit adultery or kill or have other gods before me. His gift of the ability to love freely and unabashedly will wipe clean these sins from my heart and mind.

  So let me think about lust for example, the seventh Commandment. It’s more than not having control over my body’s responses. I do have the power to control my mind, my thoughts. (Sometimes...smile...it takes practice.) Jesus frequently addresses the need for this, too, in His teaching.

  Physical lust dehumanizes, devalues the person who is being lusted after. It removes their God given, God loved person-hood and makes them an object. And lust includes jealousy, too, over a neighbour's new car for example. And greed. A desire for something not yours is not love. Lust is a sin but so are the cascade of other non-loving thoughts and behaviours that are ignited by lust in its many forms.

  So how does this tie in to another of the Laws, the keeping of the Sabbath? For me, life with Jesus is everyday. Every day is filled with God's blessings. Every day can be one of worship if I give everything over to Him with thankfulness and honour and sing His praises. Every day is a Sabbath, a Holy day, because Jesus is with me always. In Him, the Law is transcended. In Him I find rest. I don't have to wait til Sunday to spiritually "put my feet up." The Law of the Sabbath, to keep it Holy, transcends itself into every facet of my life so much so my head is spinning at the thoughts!!!

  Sooooo...sin is anything that is not love or motivated by love.

  Oh.

  (A long, long, looooong pause.)

   I feel a caution in my soul. Actually it’s a whole fire-alarm-bells-ringing warning. A broken ability to love can motivate me to do things, say things, which are not true demonstrations of God’s love.

  I love imperfectly. I love myself imperfectly. I love others imperfectly. I even love God imperfectly. But that is changing the deeper I delve into Scripture, the more I reach for the heart of God, the more I ask for His forgiveness when broken love does harm to others and myself. Simply because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am forgiven just by asking for it. The Bible tells me so.

  That is why Jesus died for my sin: to enable me to know Him as Teacher, Shepherd, beloved Partner, and the lover of my soul. Life with Him is rich with the promise that one day, I will fully understand and live my life from a foundation of the greatest Love in the universe. And then I will be truly free.

  Today is a milestone day. I can finally let go of the prejudice rooted in a broken understanding of love that kept me apart from Jesus, that I have wrestled with since I first accepted Him into my life, that has grieved me so. Thank You, Lord for honouring my prayers and for forgiving me of my fear, my pride, my weakness and misunderstandings about who You are and what the Truth You gave to the world is all about. Thank You, Lord, for the revelations of Your Word, Your Spirit, and Your teachers with a small t and a capital T. Thank You I have access to the Old and New Testaments without fear of persecution. Amen and woohoo!

PS: Thank You Lord for not letting me be too hard on myself because I have a long way to go. (Smile.) Help me be both content with where I am (I guess that's grace) and hungry to grow and change into someone who is truly a representative of You on this earth.

 

Answered Prayer Again Again

  “When Jesus heard it, he said to them,'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.'" Mark 2:15-17

  It’s early for me to be up. The ole brain started racing around four this morning. I gave up the idea of falling back to sleep so here I am, serenaded by the morning song of countless, very wide awake birds.

  It would appear we didn’t get the frost they were calling for instead heavy dew is covering everything. The sky is a gold/white/silver that is positively glowing! Can you tell I am not often up before the sun?

  I have been on a quest to find some solutions to the emotional and physical torment created by the med withdrawal. The Lord has been good in helping me ask the right questions and finding who to ask.

  Vitamin D has become the companion to my morning coffee although a chocolate doughnut might be more enjoyable. (Smile.) After three days on the D, there is an improvement in the level of depression that had so paralyzed me this past couple of weeks. It’s still there, but not as bad. Yay!

  I had forgotten how bad it can be and how it impacts everything from the ability to think to the difficulty in doing even the simplest tasks. It’s not just in my head. There are physical symptoms such as chronic, to-the-bone fatigue and a low fever.  It compares to how a body feels when it is battling some sort of very nasty flu bug. At least, that’s how it is with me.

   It was a new discovery to find out a low fever can be a symptom of depression but it's good to know for future reference and for assessing my mental well being. Paired with being aware of an anxiety induced cough, my body will keep me informed when things aren't going so well. That's pretty amazing isn't it?

  In speaking with my pharmacist last night, she offered up a couple of suggestions. First of all, double the dose of D to at least 4000 mg a day if not more. Too much is not a problem. It will also help with the anxiety which I didn’t know. There’s room for experimenting to see what the best level is for my situation. It is available in 50,000 mg tablets with a prescription! If more offsets the anxiety, it may be the answer I am looking for without needing to go through the scary process of finding another drug to replace what I am on. That’s a whole other merry-go-round I really want no part of.

  How wonderful it would be to be free of medication and free of anxiety at the same time! My life would look very different. Lord I lift this as a prayer to You, in Your name.

  Secondly, the pharmacist suggested not cutting the one pill in half because it nullifies the delayed release it was designed for. Instead, she suggested I take a whole one every other day, gradually lengthening that time period to two days than three and so forth. Anything is worth a try. It wouldn’t hurt to mark my calendar to keep track.

  Thank You, Lord, for reminding me the pharmacist is even better than a doctor when it comes to knowing about medications.

  I give thanks there have been people praying for me. Prayers are being answered. My Lord is clearly showing me the way. The best part is He is only showing me one direction at a time!

  He knows me pretty well. 

  Ya think that's an understatement? (Smile.)

A Different Perspective

“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth.” Genesis 3:16

 “By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from which you were made.” Genesis 3:19

  These are the words God spoke to Eve and Adam respectively after they confessed to having eaten the fruit from the tree of knowledge.

  At one point during some conflict with my young, pre-teen daughter about having her help around the house I had her switch places with me for a day, doing all I did as a mom. (I admit to having her do far more than I usually did to prove a point.) It was successful in changing her heart about doing the few chores we asked of her.

  I wonder if something similar hasn’t happened here.

  Adam and Eve would have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with God. Seeing as He walked and talked with them in the Garden of Eden, there must have been pleasure for Him in doing so. God is a God of relationship although no one has seen His face since.

  Did God choose to give Eve these difficulties in childbirth as a reminder of His pain? The pain of losing the intimate relationship He had with the creations He had made in His image? Was this to serve as a foreshadowing of His greatest pain, knowing His Son, fathered by His Spirit, would have to die for reconciliation to happen?

  And for Adam: God laboured six days to create the good heavens and the good earth and all its good creatures. Was Adam given the gift of being able to connect to God’s disappointment in the “harvest” despite how hard He had laboured?

  They weren’t cursed despite the traditional teaching about these passages. The serpent was. It was cursed more than all animals. V.14

  The ground was cursed, not the man. V.17 (I guess that's why He had to declare the ground holy when He spoke to Moses as a burning bush.)

  A God who is the perfect embodiment of love would not have cursed His children. Perhaps their knowing about evil was enough of a burden because it would, from that point on, become humanity’s greatest foe.

  God is not our enemy. He never has been. He never will be.

 

  Much to think about.

  I wondered if I have placed mortal characteristics on God, such as fatigue after His labours, then I recalled that He rested on the seventh day. Rest is only required when you are tired. Maybe that’s part of what He gave to Eve as well: being able to connect to Him through the labour and energy required to create a living thing.

  And I have to re-frame my thoughts about all that has happened to me, all that took place to leave me living with PTSD and depression. Within the evil, within the struggles lay a harvest.

  Lord, in light of how these weeks of med withdrawal have been incredibly difficult, show me the harvest. Thank You for reminding me I should be taking Vitamin D to help with the depression that has been so debilitating these last few days. In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN!

 

It's Good for the Soul

  “Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”” Genesis 3:9-10

  So there we have it. Man’s first confession to God.

  I was afraid.

  Man’s second confession was to blame someone else for their having disobeyed God’s command. It would seem precedence was set right from the get go because we have been doing it ever since. (Smile.)

  So let’s go back to confession. I believe it is a key component of faith practices for our Catholic brothers and sisters. The Protestants I know rarely discuss the need or the importance of confession. I guess it has fallen by the wayside because of anti-Catholic sentiment. Or maybe they simply call it by another name. I am not sure.

  It is something my church is encouraging and encourages us to do. Now, if only we can lose the fear of being vulnerable and honest with each other.

  Confession is outside the realm of religious doctrine and is far more than a ritual decreed by religious leaders.

  In the Garden of Eden, God called to the man. God is omniscient. He would have known exactly where his beloved creations were. His question, “Where are you?” was an invitation for Adam and Eve to come before Him of their own free will.

  They could have stayed silent. Instead, they must have been troubled by their new understanding of good and evil. Their purity and innocence, their peace, their lives were turned upside down in a single bite. So what did they do? They turned to God and confessed what they had done.

  In spite of what they had done, God didn’t turn His back on them. Yes, there were consequences to their actions but, as I said yesterday, God clothed them to cover their shame. He then put eternal life out of their reach for their own protection and to protect the generations that followed! This was not punishment. This was love in action.

  That was for the serpent, the deceiver. (I am going to investigate the consequences for Adam and Eve tomorrow.)

  Everything God does is an expression of His identity.

  God is love in its purest form.

  For someone who has the knowledge of good and evil, it’s hard for me to understand such love but every once in a while, a light bulb goes off.  Mostly it’s because I have reached the point where hiding is no longer an option.

  Secrets kill the soul.

  The way to get rid of secrets is to talk about them with God and each other. A burden shared is a burden lightened. And that is the nature of confession. It’s a dialog, a conversation and an opportunity to toss aside the fig leaves.

  Sharing/confession/admission/disclosure is a key component of any relationship. While God has the advantage in knowing everything about us, confession is a way to get to know Him better.

  Fig leaves do a far better job in keeping a fig tree alive. AMEN!

Troubled Waters

  “Also for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them.” Genesis 3:21

  They were only ashamed of their nakedness after eating the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They were so ashamed they hid from God. Only after God had covered their shame did the Lord cast them out of the Garden of Eden.

  This one line contains so much information about God, His heart and His plan for our salvation. Hmmm, I have never thought of salvation as being freed from shame…maybe it’s because it is still part of my life in ways that aren’t always obvious. Shame can be a subtle foe that becomes so ingrained in my thinking it becomes “normal”.

  Until I look it in the eye.

  Salvation=freedom from shame.

  Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation of distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.” (Google)

  Yet the enemy of our souls is very good at making us ashamed of what is good and right because his role is to keep us from living in and through the freedom granted to us through Jesus Christ. The pure sacrifice whose blood covered our sin, our nakedness and our shame just as God did for Adam and Eve the moment He killed an animal for its skin.

 

  I needed to hear this message again.

  Saturday night was a night of vivid nightmares. I’d wake up, distressed, then fall right back in to the awfulness the moment my eyes closed. It left me struggling at Church. The men had laid on a breakfast for the ladies in celebration of Mother’s Day. The joyous noise of people laughing and chatting, as well as the busyness of people moving around filling their plates, drove me into another room to find some quiet as I wrestled with an anxiety level that was through the roof.

  I felt naked and vulnerable so I tried to hide.

  And I felt shame. Shame: that I have a disorder that has such an impact on my life. Shame: that I can’t control it. Shame: that I couldn’t reach out for help. Shame: that I even felt I had to. I was a mess.

  But God is good. He made sure I got a spray of carnations that were being handed out to all the moms, sending a little girl into the theatre. I guess I wasn’t hidden so well after all.

  (Smile.)

  There is nothing hidden that God doesn't see. There is nothing He won't do to set us free. AMEN!

Knowledge is a Good Thing

“I, Wisdom, live together with good judgment.  I know where to discover knowledge and discernment.” Proverbs 8:12

  We have Google. Although sometimes it’s hard to ask the right questions to find the answers we are looking for.

  So I did a bit of research about the medication I am attempting to wean myself off. Even a small reduction has left me feeling chronically anxious. It is my hope that this will ease off over the next few weeks but in the meantime, it’s unpleasant to say the least.

  I have weighed up the physical cost of chronic anxiety versus the long term detrimental impact the drug has. I thought myself more than willing to risk those from the drug because it is successful in keeping the worst of the anxiety away but this recent search has me rethinking my original stance.

  There are more side effects than I thought. More than anyone has ever told me or was even revealed through previous searches online. When I looked it up a couple of days ago through Google I was shocked but will leave some room for the thought that some of the side effects weren’t known until recently. I’ve been taking this med for a long time. It has been a while since I did any research in this direction.

  Apparently, the medication can cause neurological damage that may lead to loss of control of physical movement. This causes the body to exhibit random behaviors ranging from grimacing facial expressions to flailing limbs and everything in between. It may or may not be reversible should these symptoms develop.

  This is way more serious than simply being hard on the liver and kidneys. I admit I may have ignored some of the other side effects by turning a blind eye because I was (am?) reluctant to face life without this aid. It is a terrifying prospect.

  So wisdom decrees the need to eliminate this medication despite how I feel emotionally, despite the daily challenges caused by an increase in anxiety.

  Wisdom decrees a deeper need to lean on the Lord throughout this difficult process, to trust in Him that I will be able to cope. Or maybe I need to believe that I can more than cope, I can thrive without the drug.

  To clarify for any of my readers, I am a person living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This means my fight/flight natural responses are constantly on overdrive. Even when I know, intellectually, I am safe the primal responses of my adrenal system have me constantly ready to RUN! The off switch has been broken.

  Hmmm…I wonder if there is a PTSD support group in the area I could attend to help me though this transition?

  It would appear Google will come to my aid once again.

  Thank You, Lord, for pointing this option out to me. Once again, my beloved Shepherd has guided me. AMEN!

He Makes Me Lie Down

  “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” Mathew 16:13

  The question, “Who do we say Jesus is to us?” was posed during home church (one of the questions from the study notes which are available at www.themeetinghouse.com .

  Simon Peter’s response was, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” V.16

  My response was a bit different but that’s okay. Jesus is many things. He identifies himself as many things. Among the long list are bridegroom, brother, Son, shepherd, teacher, friend, Savior, and yes, the Messiah.

  I have slowly come to realize my greatest connection with Jesus is through the idea He is the “gate for the sheep.” John 10:7

  For a long time I have struggled with embracing my Lord under most of the other identifiers, especially those that are seem more relational such as him being my Bridegroom. That may change, but I realized on Wednesday night, it isn’t as big an issue as I thought. You see, I was comparing how I viewed my relationship with Jesus with how others do and judging my viewpoint as inadequate, “un-Christian”.

  But that’s the wonderful thing about Jesus. He is many things so we can meet Him where we are at.

  So what does this gateway look like for me?

  I have a greater connection with my Abba Father because of Jesus, because of my deep gratitude for all He did so this is possible.

  And I can relate to Jesus as a gatekeeper on so many levels because I was a shepherd who opened gates for my sheep to head out to pasture. There were different gates for different seasons because it was necessary to allow the grass to mature in order to sustain the flock throughout the summer months. The spring pasture would then be closed off until it was long enough to allow the flock to return.

  I learned very quickly to step aside once the gate was opened, my purpose fulfilled. Although, it was an ideal time to inspect the sheep for any sign of illness or lameness as they raced past, eager for the grass after being locked in the barn overnight to protect them from predators.

  My sheep would race back to the barn when I called them in for the night, no matter where they were on the 100 acre property. A bit of sweet grain served as a reward.

  So I have realized I have leaned on Jesus as my Shepherd since I became a follower. It is relational. It has its foundation in trust. I have slept at His feet when the nights were long. I have called to Him in times of distress. I have trusted Him to lead me to green pastures.

  I have also come to understand who Jesus is by investigating who He is according to the other identifiers He uses. They simply don't put the joy and fire in my heart for Him as much as knowing He is my Shepherd. 

  

On the Light Side

  "Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!" Proverbs 4:7

  Solomon has made me chuckle at this little gem. It serves to remind me that opening my Bible doesn't have to be so darn serious all the time. There's room for a little levity. Besides, a laugh often drives a lesson home. Especially when it is at my own expense!
  While Solomon comes down hard on foolishness or being a fool in many of his other words to the wise, I have to think about what Jesus meant by coming before the Lord as a little child.
  Age seems to drive out the ability to laugh freely and take joy in the moment. Is laughter an expression of creativity? Of whimsy? Of imagination? Of breaking free of the solemnity that seems to be the universal rule of conduct for adulthood?
  When did laughter become inappropriate?
  Or maybe it's just me who finds that laughter is a rare event. Hmmm...when did I come to believe that laughter was inappropriate?
  Maybe, somewhere along the line, I have forgotten how to have fun. Although laughter isn't necessarily a barometer of enjoyment.
  But here's the thing, our ability to laugh comes from God.
  As Adam named the animals, he must have laughed with sheer delight at the ingenuity of our Creator. He must have laughed at some of the strange and wonderful beasts the Lord brought before him. Then there's puppies.Who can't help but laugh at puppies! (Or if you are a cat person, kittens.) I bet Adam laughed over some of the names he doled out as well especially as names began to run out so he was left scrabbling for some sort of identifier.
  Were sheep named because Adam looked at them and had no idea what to name these clouds with legs on them so in frustration he said, "Sheeeeesh!"
  I bet God laughed with him, delighting in Adam's delight.
 
  Lord, I have to thank You for taking me in this direction today. Yesterday was a tough day with the anxiety running full throttle. Starting today with a smile and a burst of imagination silliness has brought some fun into my life. You always know what I need. AMEN!
 

Christmas in Easter Tide

  “Giving gifts can open doors; it gives access to important people!” Proverbs 18:16

  I am sure I’ve read this Proverb before but this morning it leaped off the page because Jesus came along and redefined who important people are! Jesus came along and redefined the idea of status, of social standing, of hierarchy. Jesus came along and taught us that humility is the gateway to success.

  A while back, there was a teaching series at church about women. In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he said that women should wear a head covering while praying or prophesying. I learned why. Head covering was a sign of status in Jewish society. (1 Corinthians 11:6) If all women wore head coverings, it was the equalizer for all followers of Jesus. It meant that no one at the gathering would know their place in society because it didn’t matter!

  Paul asked the wealthy to humble themselves and the prostitutes to embrace the idea they were just as valuable to God.

 

  The Christmas Carol, The Little Drummer Boy has come to mind. He had no gift to bring except to play his drum. He came before the infant Jesus in the company of kings.

  Pa-rum-pa-pa-pum.

  So this song will be stuck in my head all day now. (Smile.)

 

  Giving gifts with no thought on the rewards for giving is at the core of our Lord’s heart. God gave us life, knowing Adam and Eve would turn away from Him. But He had a plan. God gave us His Son, knowing He would die. The Son died, knowing not all would follow Him. But He still laid down His life for us so we might live in the fullness of being a child of God.

  That means marching to the beat of a different drum.

  My global family, please join me in a prayer for the Christians in India who are being persecuted for their faith. May God be with them May He comfort them in their trials, during their imprisonment and even in death should it come to that. Be with the families of those who are being persecuted. Keep them safe. Clear the path for these brothers and sisters in Christ to flee if this is what becomes necessary. Give them the means to do so. In Jesus' name. AMEN!

In a Better Place

  “Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper.” Proverbs 13:4

  Slowly, slowly I am making headway to make things easier once the renos begin. Although the ensuing chaos doesn’t make it look like I have. There are bags for the dump, boxes for donations, a bag of worn towels to be taken to the local vet and a pile of stuff that can be burned. My art corner has been completely cleared out. The drafting table is moved into the spare room as well as the cabinet I where art supplies are stored except for some commonly used materials. They are in a laptop bag that serves as a briefcase for such things. Just in case the urge to draw moves in.

  It was a successful weekend.

  I did need more boxes. It was one of the little pieces that added to feeling overwhelmed; having to hunt some down by going to various stores. It always makes me smile once I am reminded that God has all things well under control.

  Yesterday was my final trip to the Oakville Symphony. I won’t be purchasing tickets for next year’s season although I have enjoyed it immensely. My mom and I went early to have a leisurely lunch. Right beside the parking lot, waiting for Monday’s recycling pick-up, were two huge bags of un-broken-down liquor store boxes! They are the best size, and sturdy. I grabbed a half dozen or so. My mom had already given me a half dozen boxes she had scrounged so, voila! Enough boxes for my needs.

  Sometimes prosperity comes with no work at all! God (and Moms) are the best!

  I think I need to tattoo “God’s Got This!” on my forehead so every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded He has everything well under control.

   If there aren’t enough boxes, I seriously need to do some purging. (Smile.)

 

  Today the sun is shining! It makes such a difference. A sunny day yesterday dispelled the depression that moved in a few days ago much to my relief. There’s warmth in it that has been a long time coming this spring. Once the dew dries, there is outside work that needs tending to. The weather isn’t supposed to hold with even more rain moving in for the remainder of the week.

  I was amazed during the drive down to Oakville at how wet things are. There were places the water covered the road. Farmer’s fields are the playground of ducks and geese. Creeks, streams and the ditches at the side of the road are swollen with water because there’s been so much rain this spring.

  The objective for the day is to mow the grass and clean out the pond. Not my favorite job but once it’s up and running, it is such a delight that it’s worth coping with some stinky, stagnant, leafy decaying smells.

  Tomorrow, I have to call my mechanic. The snow tires can come off the car. The summer tires can go on. Yay!

Pep Talk

  “Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, ‘Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord!’” Ezekiel 37:4

  I admit to feeling rather depressed yesterday. It took a huge effort to even accomplish the smallest things around the house although I did sort through a couple of the kitchen cabinets. It happens. I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed by everything and anxious. The increased anxiety could simply be because of the med reduction but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. All I can hope for is that my system will gradually get used to the lower dose and balance itself out. So, Lord, can You make this adjustment happen sooner rather than later? Please, please, please!

  It stinks, being like this especially when there is no apparent reason. It sucks the joy out of planning for what the house will look like when it is done. Heck, anxiety sucks the joy out of life all together leaving dry bones in its wake.

  Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself this morning. Or maybe it’s more than that. There’s frustration, too, and a sense of powerlessness, helplessness before such a foe. It’s exhausting. It impacts my sleep which leaves me even more tired and more susceptible to being anxious.

  So, the reality is: I live with an anxiety disorder. The part of my body that regulates adrenaline is broken. Perhaps I should cut myself some slack.

  Anxiety isn’t always a bad thing either. It’s a catalyst that can guide me into making healthy choices and healthy changes in how I live. That is if I can shake off the paralysis that is such a part of being overwhelmed by it. And I do. Or I would never leave the house. I wouldn’t have been able to clear out two cupboards yesterday.

  So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I can be grateful that something got checked off the to-do list in spite of how I was feeling. I can be thankful the Lord gave me the strength to overcome the inner storm for a while.

  I have also just realized the anxiety is one of the things that hampers me from asking for help. When the hard days roll in, when something as simple as getting out of bed takes such a huge physical toll, I simply don't have the energy to reach outside myself. This is one thing I can change but for now, all I can do is give myself a shake and keep on moving forward. Today is a new day with its own challenges. Yesterday is done. 

  I will take a lesson from Ezekiel and speak a prophetic word over the day: “This is going to be a good day!” AMEN!

A Bit on the Academic Side

  “And I (God) will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.” Ezekiel 36:26-27

  I have to think that God, in talking to His people through the prophet Ezekiel, would use language they would understand. Their lives were lived under the Law. Keeping the Ten Commandments would have been their standard of faith. They wouldn’t have understood how God could get rid of the Law that was such a fundamental part of their lives. They would have understood the concept of obeying God.

  It was a very different world.

  But I am gifted with knowing the future for all God’s people. There’s nothing mysterious about this gift. I have everything written down in black and white on the pages of my Bible. I am gifted with knowing that Jesus didn’t come to abolish the law but to fulfill it.

  “Don’t misunderstand why I (Jesus) have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose.” Mathew 5:15

  So I’ve read that particular phrase a number of times. What does it mean?

  I think God’s chosen people found it was impossible to live by all the rules without breaking any. That’s why they had animal sacrifice to atone for their sin. In a way, God set them up for failure because He would send His Son to show them a better way. The Old Testament is full of signposts pointing to the coming of Jesus.

  This passage in Ezekiel is one of them. Again, hindsight gives me the ability to see it!

  Had I lived in those days, would I have recognized Jesus as the Messiah? Or would I have been someone in the crowd crying, “Crucify Him!”

  I would have only known what the men in my life would have taught me.

  But Jesus changed that rule as well the moment He allowed Mary (in the Lazarus story) to sit at His feet and learn.

  I have to admit, reading this passage without knowing Jesus would make God appear to be a God of decrees and rules to live by. He would appear to be distant and judgmental.

  But here’s the crux of this meandering exploration…Jesus came because our God is a God of relationship. He always has been! He walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden before the fall. It’s why He involved Moses in freeing His people from Egypt. It’s why He involved Ezekiel in calling the dry bones to life.   

  Yet, He is grace filled enough to meet us where we are at.

  It’s why He appointed Kings over the Jews: because they asked Him to!

  So how does this concept apply today?

  He has kept His promise, found in the prophetic words given to Ezekiel so long ago, through the life and death of His Son. And that promise is meant for everyone.