So That's How It's Supposed to Be! by Susan L.

  There's a whole whack of growing up to do. No, that's rather unfair. Not knowing how to do something isn't being childish although my behaviour has been childlike. Temper tantrums and all that. I've learned a lot in the last twelve hours and am thankful to have a friend who helped me realize some things.
  I haven't a clue when it comes to how "normal" people relate to each other. I haven't a clue how to debate an idea. When it comes to face to face dialog, I haven't a clue how to be assertive. It's something rarely experienced in many of the relationships that have been part of my life, this being allowed to speak my mind freely. Until recently that is.
  I am a master at listening because speaking up resulted in being punished.
  Expressing how I felt ended up with those feelings being trampled and demeaned. I wasn't "allowed" to have emotions. The rare time I did try and share matters of the heart meant having to listen to another's rampage against my "stupidity" or being told to "grow up".
  I learned how to disconnect. I learned how to numb. I learned how to shut my brain off. Simply to survive.
  The silent treatment was even worse. Each time a piece of me would become more invisible.
  So I stopped speaking to keep the peace except for mundane matters where decisions or emotions weren't part of the picture.
  I was silent a long, long time.
  Old lessons and old habits are hard to unlearn especially when they are so ingrained.
  It got so bad, that I couldn't trust my own ability to make a decision about what to make for dinner. Inevitably, it was wrong or unsatisfactory. I wonder if that's what happens in Stockholm Syndrome, when the kidnappers brainwash their victims. Not that I was kidnapped but I was held hostage to the whims and ways of an extremely angry and controlling man.
  He wasn't always that way. His taking control was done a bit at a time over the years. It was so subtle that it simply became the fabric of our marriage. He said "jump". I jumped to avoid his wrath.
  It was not a relationship.
  Sigh. I choose to forgive those who suffocated my voice, who smothered me with their own agenda or ideas. At least, I'll try. I'm feeling angry about it right now. And sad. That's not childish at all.
  Another sigh. I'm getting really tired of the past jumping up to bite me in the ass. But, hey, this is all part of brain re-wiring. That's the good thing. I can learn to do things differently. And I have the best Teacher I could ever ask for and, I hope, friends to help me practice new skills.
  Thank You, Lord for today's scripture. Help me see things through Your eyes. In Jesus' name I pray.
  "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgement."