I keep looking but have no idea what I am looking for. It feels like doing a puzzle that's all one colour and maybe missing a piece or two.
As much as taking a pen and writing down a list isn't my strong point, perhaps it might be a good idea to think about the questions that seem to be part of this intangible seeking.
Lord, You have all the answers. Help me ask the right questions.
I've been thinking this morning about all sorts of things. A lot of it is about the circumstances of my birth. Yes, God predestined me, He chose the hour of my being and...
This is taking a long time to type...
Rejection. A lifetime of not feeling good enough. A lifetime of not feeling loveable. A lifetime of circumstances that fed into the lie. I'd initially typed "choices" but that places the responsibility of the choices others made square on my shoulders. It took far too long to break the burden of false responsibility that I am not prepared to shoulder it again. I have accepted my role. And been forgiven.
Abandonment. Going it alone. Again. Having to be so d*** self sufficient.
Fear. Of abandonment and rejection. Living based on the understanding that that's what's going to happen anyways. God forgive me. Having to be so d*** self sufficient.
Yet, if someone was to offer help, I don't know if I could accept it. Back to the F word.
This is one butt ugly hamster wheel. I am terribly tired of it.
Lord, that's enough for today.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Eph 2:8-10
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