Behind the Veil by Susan L.

  I've spent most of this last week facing down some old enemies, struggling to embrace my identity, and hoping to come to the truth. Collaging, prayer, waiting, listening as the ghosts made themselves known has helped that happen. It's all about holding things up to the Light. Most of the time, the mis-truths, the half truths and the outright lies end up crisped to ashes. It's sad how quickly I am to assume the negative things people say are true yet it's so hard to believe the good things. It's been my experience that it's the good things that have been twisted into places of shame and self-loathing.
  I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord helps me find the way past the sin of disbelief and self-condemnation regarding the gifts He has given me. I am so thankful He forgives me, helps me forgive myself and those who have caused me to believe these things.
  Time after time I've been told I am too sensitive. It's left me squirming and wondering why things bothered me so much. It had me wondering why I couldn't be tougher or have a thicker skin. Thank You, Lord, for helping me realize my shoes are the only ones I have to wear.
  Sensitivity is not a flaw!
  This is a gift!
  It enables me to create beautiful images using the subtle nuances of shape, colour, form, and texture that express deep emotions.
  It means I can play the piano, exploring melodies without sheet music. It is the song of my soul and spirit: sad, joyful, loud, soft, harsh, sweet, longing and a love that's so overwhelming it feels like my heart is going to explode.
  It means that same heart fills with utter childish delight at the beauty in a teeny, tiny mushroom or a vast, star lit sky.
  It means that same heart breaks to see another human hurting.
  It means I'll try my hardest to bring light into the darkness. It means knowing what to say or do isn't anything I can do on my own. Sometimes it means simply sitting in silence. It's being sensitive to the dynamics of the moment.
  It means I can be kind and gentle and patient, that there's an ample helping of grace in there, too.
  It means knowing the sound of my Master's Voice and being able to sense His wonderful and awesome Presence every waking moment. Listening and being obedient? It's a work in progress but becoming easier all the time.
  It means being able to discern Truth. It means knowing the lies by their foul taste and bitter bite.
  It means I am becoming more able to discern who to trust or who is untrustworthy. At first, I wondered if this was a judgement thing but it isn't because there are people out there who are unable to bear that trust. Trust, too, is a gift.
  It means I can identify ugly: hurtful words, prejudice, spitefulness, bitterness, cruelty...
  It means I hate ugly. Passionately. Without reserve or hesitation.
  Yet, at the same time I cannot hate people. It's toxic. It's radioactive waste. Being able to express anger or frustration or sorrow or to talk about hurts isn't the same as hate. Turning the pain over to God in an honest dialog is cathartic and necessary because these things are poison to the soul. Sometime it means relying on others to help.
  It means I cannot and will not bear ill will against those who have hurt me. At least, I will try. It's a process. Being angry isn't the same as hate.
  It means never wanting to do harm to another person. Although, it happens, despite the best of intentions. I freely admit I am a broken person living in a broken world.
  It means life is lived experientially and in the moment. Light, shadow, fragrance, sound...God.  Disappearing into a book or watching a movie stops me from being overwhelmed by the greatness and complexity of the inner and outer universe. It also explains why goal setting is so challenging. It's not now!
  It means the ability to be hurt deeply or experience the full flavours of joy. Yet, now I think I am okay with the idea of being hurt again. It means I am fully immersed in life. It means I'll have to reach for God to uphold me, to heal me, to love me.
  It means knowing there's so incredibly much to be thankful for.
  I've shared before about how much of my life was lived unknowingly under a blanket of depression. Yet, in order to survive, I also learned how to squash emotion as a defense.
  To have those emotions set free, to embrace sensitivity, is a gift of untold dimension.
  Sensitivity is not a character flaw after all.
  "If indeed you have heard Him and been taught by Him, as the truth is Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." Eph 4:21-24