Catching Up

  "May God be merciful and bless us. May his face smile with favor on us." Psalm 67:1 

  I am here, Lord, to hear what You have to say. I feel the unformed words pounding at my heart and mind, calling me, urging me to write. Lead me, show me, teach me as they unfold through my fingers. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

  I've been away more this summer. Projects have kept my hands busy. The yard and garden are winding down, their fruits eaten or preserved for winter enjoyment. In a way, it leaves me sad because that means the short, dark days of winter are around the corner. 

  I've stayed the course as far as my diet is concerned except for choosing the odd indulgence here and there during special events. My weight continues to drop for a total of 33.5 pounds so far.  My measurements continue to shrink. The Livy Method Fall program started last week so my friend and I are raring to go at it again.

  Someone said to me a couple of times, "I hope you don't lose too much weight so we don't recognize you any more!"

   It took some time but I was blessed with a response for the next time they said this.

  "Then you will see the woman God made me to be, not this overweight, unhealthy person He never meant me to be."

  What I realized is that I see a stranger in the mirror, too! My face has changed so much! Buried cheekbones are appearing. My jaw line is becoming more defined. The double chin is almost gone except for some crinkly, sagging skin on my neck that comes when we get older. 

  I also see someone who is happy. 

  There's room for happiness now. 

  Not having to fight the anxiety day in, day out, every hour, every minute of every day has changed my life completely. That's not to say it's completely gone. There are moments where it reappears, but oh, God, thank You for the healing this diet has brought into my life. 

  It's helped me realize that all the therapy, all the meds in the world would never have done what proper food has done. 

  I believed I was broken beyond repair. I believed I was less than because of my inability to overcome the anxiety. I believed it was a life sentence, that all my days would be forever wrapped in the tension of a body and mind on perpetual yellow alert. 

  How could I have known that my body was screaming of the danger held in each mouthful of "comfort food"? How could I have known my body was crying out for change? For a different approach to handling the anxiety?

  How could I have known I was poisoning myself with kindness?

  Now, when my body cries out, I hear its wants. I hear it calling for greens, or fish, or fruit. I hear it calling for water and maybe an extra coffee. I hear its cry for soup or carrots. I hear it say, "That's enough, thank you." My body tells me when to go to bed and it rests deeply to waken fully refreshed.

  It will take time to heal from the toll a lifetime of anxiety has had. It will take time for the hair triggers to reset. It will take time for my body to trust me in giving it what it needs. There's still much room for improvement there, in the listening I need to do. There will come a time when it becomes as automatic as typing. 

  I have an advantage, though, the anxiety taught me to listen to what's happening in my body. 

  As always, God is the Redeemer, the One who takes what is broken and makes it anew. 

  Thank you for such a gift as this.

  Amen!

Turn of Events

  "As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person." Proverbs 27:19

  A couple of nights ago, I was drying off the veggie spiralizer we got to convert things like zucchini into noodles. I was startled to see my index finger begin dripping blood. The sharp cutting blade had neatly severed a chunk off the side. My friend helped with the first aid needed because it was late in the evening and I baulked at going to the hospital with an injury they couldn't do much about. There's not enough extra skin on a finger for closing such a gap.

  The next day, she headed off for a couple of day's quality family time with her children and grandchildren. She left a list of strict instructions to follow regarding keeping my finger dry and clean and something about not overdoing it. 

  Around supper, I decided to change the dressing. It was extremely uncooperative in coming off. It started to bleed something fierce again. I decided to go to the hospital and have it looked at and, more importantly, dressed with something that wouldn't stick to the wound. As a non-emergency, it took several hours for the doctor to see me. 

  I was right, they couldn't do any sort of stitches but they told me how to look after it and what to watch for should there be any sort of infection. As an added bonus, they updated my tetanus shot just in case.

  It's funny, how a sense of urgency filled my soul to go there in the first place. 

  As I was waiting to be seen a young man came in complaining of pain. He was saying some rather strange things out loud. I believe there may have been some sort of mind altering substance running through his veins. 

  He ended up sitting a couple of chairs away from my little corner of safety. He continued to make loud and rather strange comments to no one in particular. I admit I was a bit startled and unsure of him. But, in the midst of his confusion, he showed kindness, gratitude and respect towards the triage nurses.

  He was having a hard time grasping the long wait times to see a doctor. His agitation was clearly made known to no one in particular. He turned to me and asked if he was being too loud.

  Something about him reached into my heart. I began to talk with him. He shared that his father had recently passed away in the hospital. I also found out he had lost his mom as well. I figure he was in his late teens or early twenties. We talked a long time and even shared a laugh.

  It wasn't long before I was reaching into my purse for a work business card and told him if he ever needed to talk, to stop on by. It started a slew of questions about who the Krasman Centre was named for and what a peer support worker is.

  He had heard about us feeding the homeless and people struggling with addictions who he deemed utterly useless. I was able to share that, sometimes, people just needed a hand up to start them on a journey towards a better life. 

  Everyone in the emergency department was listening to our conversation. 

  When I finally got called in a couple of hours later, we gave each other a fist bump. He thanked me for talking to him.

  There was still a long wait in the cubicle. The doctor came and checked out my wound then left to give the nursing staff his instructions.

  The male nurse who had been working in triage was now on wound duty. He had been the one who had triaged the young man. He thanked me for what I had done, for having helped the situation. He said that this young man frequently used the emergency department as a touchstone, a place of human connection.

  I had a hard time not crying when I heard that.

  The nurse asked who I was so I repeated who I worked for and what I did. He thanked me again for the kindness I'd shown.

  As I left, the young man was still waiting. He'd been dozing in his chair but he woke when the door opened. He smiled at me and offered another fist bump. I told him to take care of himself then left. It was nearly midnight by then.

  I have caught a glimpse of what my co-workers do every day. The Krasman centre is involved with a pilot project at two Toronto hospitals. The final goal is to have mental health and addictions peer support workers in every single emergency department in Ontario (to start.) Every day they make a difference in someone's life by just being there for them when maybe, like this young man, they have nobody else to turn to in times of crises.

  I truly believe God placed the urgency in my heart to go to the hospital last night instead of the night before. Yes, my finger needed seeing to but more importantly, this young man needed someone who saw him for who he was...a lost boy in a man's body.

  I don't know if I'll ever see him again but that's okay. I pray he will get the help he needs. I also pray for the other people in the emergency room that our conversation changed their own attitudes towards people who struggle with mental health and substance use. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

   

  

Super Statistics

   "I (God) will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking bout their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" Psalm 65:24

  This is a day to celebrate achievements! Stats say it all!

  Today's post is #2000! There have been over 155,000 visitors to the blog; a number that fills me with gratitude and the encouragement to keep writing. You, dear readers, are a blessing unlike no other!

  Today is the 1st day of Bridging the Gap with Gina Livy.  The Gap group is a zero cost group for people who participated in the Spring/Summer 2023 program and are signed up for the fall group as well. The 91 day program finished yesterday. It left me feeling both sad and excited like all endings do because an ending is the start of another beginning.

   I couldn't be happier with the results both on and off the scale!

  As of today, I have dropped 26.2 pounds, lost 4 inches around my hiney and 4 1/2 from my waist. Up top was a bit less but that's okay I am happy to keep the curves! All my other body parts are noticeably thinner even my toes! 

  The double chin has become one due to a bit of a sag courtesy of gravity's force of 9.8 meters per second squared. However, over the next 3 months my skin will become tighter around my new, smaller frame as it renews according to the rate of renewal God created our cells to have. The slightly sagging chin won't be as noticeable.

  Ruth Kane, a Livy Loser herself of 70ish lbs., is a researcher at the University of Ottawa. She has been given government funding to study Gina Livy's program over the next several years because of the program's 95% success rate. While the study's focus is weight loss, they are also studying the statistics of people who are able to overcome diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, digestion issues, inflammation and many other illnesses related to being overweight.

  Governments are at a loss about how to address the growing obesity problem here in Canada, currently at 29%. The US obesity rate is even bigger at 39.6%. 

  The eat less/exercise more/calorie in/calorie out strategy the diet and fitness world has said is the only way is unsustainable. Eventually, the body believes it is starving so it will shut down the metabolism and convert all food intake to fat. It is possible to gain weight eating a mere 600 calories a day while exercising like a fiend. (This is part of Gina's own story.)

  One of the major weight loss organization is now pushing medications. Medications I might add which require a lifelong commitment. Some of these cost upwards of $1000/month and can have terrible side effects. 

   Successful weight loss according to Canadian government standards is 5% over 6 months. Gina's plan blows this out of the water. My loss is just over 10% in 3 months! And I am not alone. This is a common result for people who follow the carefully designed program. 

  Which, by the way, does not involve starving, depriving, weight or measuring. There are zero special foods to buy, zero prepackaged meals, and zero fat tasteless stuff is gone forever!

  It's also normal for people to not lose weight in the beginning. 5% of the participants in the Spring/Summer program had this happen. The body might need time to heal from past starvation/deprivation diets. Underlying health issues could mean it will take longer. But, by giving the body what it needs to heal and repair the damages of the past, it will eventually be able to focus on shedding the fat the body doesn't want either! 

  There is zero scientific evidence anywhere that says you cannot lose weight regardless of health, age or gender. (I love this statistic from Gina.)

  The majority of these people who have a slow start go on to reach their goals.

  Losing weight is just the start of the 4 stages towards reaching and maintaining your "finally and forever" as Gina calls it. Her plan teaches us how to maintain and sustain the loss permanently. Yes, permanently!

  I think the biggest challenge with Gina's program is that it takes time. It is not a quick fix. 

  In a culture where everything is about NOW, it may not appeal to everyone. I figured since it took 59 years to get as heavy as I was, if it only takes 2-3 years to get me back to what I weighed in my twenties, I'll take the slow route thank you very much!

  Because I feel great!

  Now, if I could only preach the love of Jesus as much as I've shared about the program...Or maybe this is preaching the love of Jesus because I see how much stress and shame and guilt is attached to body size. I see a culture that uses food for comfort which in the end is of no comfort at all. This is not what God wants for anyone. 

 

  The 91 day Fall/Winter program only costs $75 Canadian. Sign up soon because Gina's groups have a 100% sell out rate. 

  Someone said to me the other day, "You're not going to lose so much weight that we don't recognize you are you?"

  It surprised me a bit so I didn't know how to respond until much later.

  "I will lose the weight I need to lose until the body God designed especially for me is finally revealed!" 

  While my goal number has some flexibility because it involves my body telling me when to stop, the one I've picked will be 63% less than when I began last April! Holy Cow! That's a whole other not-so-small person inside of me that will be forced to vacate the premises!  Praise God and AMEN!

  

  

Momentum

   "But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." Philippians 3:12

  The bathroom scale greeted me with a new lowest low this morning: the measure of success! Tracking what's happening is the sole purpose of the scale. My weight loss pattern is spending two or three days hovering around one number then I drop for a couple of days. Then I go up a bit, hover, lose more and repeat. Knowing this pattern has eased my mind considerably around normal weight fluctuations, even while aiming to lose!

  It's not normal to stay the same weight day in and day out. Stress, lack of sleep and even eating salty foods can cause fluctuations. I've learned so much! 

  While Gina Livy's program is not Christian based, I have watched her model the values that are important to me as a believer: love, grace, truth, vulnerability, encouragement, and empathy are the fundamental values that make this process unique in the diet world. She is a fierce protector of her participants and will not allow negative or insulting behaviour towards anyone involved in the FB support group. Oh, and her patience! She answers the same question over and over and over again while never getting frustrated with questioners. 

  I am no where near as patient and find myself frequently thinking, "Sheesh, people, just read the information!"

  Which isn't nice because this judgement is based on the ample time available to do the reading, the listening, the learning and the huge successes so far. 

  I should be thanking God for how easy it has been for the scale to drop; that there are no underlying health issues or missing body parts making it harder to lose; that I have love, support and encouragement from people around me. I should be giving thanks that my brain is able to retain much of the information after reading or hearing it one time. I should be giving thanks for not only having the courage, but also the blog and the art, to unravel the emotions and triggers that have come up throughout this process. 

  Most of all, I should give thanks that my mental health journey has already made me aware of my body's signals. It has not been difficult to hear what it says in regards to what it wants for dinner! 

  I should be praying for those who don't have these things! 

  Oh, Lord, such are the many, many blessings Your generosity has provided! Seeing it all laid out like this is truly humbling because without God's design and plans for my life, I would have none of these things. 

  I'd like to lose this critical side of myself. 

  Hold on a minute while I think this one through...Jesus says to love our neighbour as ourselves. I once heard someone say, "If we can't love ourselves, God help our neighbour." 

  My own inner critic has been getting even more disarmed, dismantled and cast aside since the start of the program and with the help of my friend. I can pray that the patience, gentleness and compassion I've found pouring out over my own struggles and inadequacies will overflow to everyone around me. 

  I can ask the Lord to remind me to pray instead of judge. I can also ask Him to help me be more aware of the leading of the Holy Spirit about how to pray and who to pray for. If listening to my belly is so easy, why is this so hard?

  I think this is the evolution of my faith. It is taking me towards an even deeper experience as a Christian. As it should be! Mostly, my walk with the Lord has been about finding healing for the deep, deep hurts that created the Black River. Like a river flowing into the sea, the currents of faith and living waters have incorporated its existence. They will forever be a part of what shaped me but the forward momentum of grace's tide is unstoppable!

  I only need to do what I need to do to see this happen.

  Lord, help me be a better person towards others. Fill me with grace and patience so the critic's voice is forever silenced. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

   

Filling Time

   "No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." Matthew 6:15-16

  I am patiently waiting for paint to dry so I can do touch ups as needed. It's better to keep myself busy because I have a tendency rush the process. Paint ends up getting smeared which means major touch ups and fixes.  

  It's my work's 25th Anniversary. this year. We are hosting a big barbeque/gathering this Friday. It's a double celebration for us. We are now fully open. It's taken about a month to unpack everything, purchase what was lost in last year's fire so that's a big part of why we're having the party.

 

  The paint is being used to put our logo on a large canvas which also marks this milestone. The plan is to have markers for everyone to sign the canvas rather than having a guest book that gets stuffed onto a shelf somewhere. As I was painting, I thought it would be cool to share it with our other sites so they could also have people sign it. I think they are going to have their own celebrations, too. 

  My friend and I got our bikes back. They needed a general servicing after gathering dust in the shed for a couple of years. They needed servicing by someone who knows something about bikes. There's a local man who rebuilds, fixes, and sells used bikes. He told my friend that he would take any bike and that he had just shipped off 100 bikes to Africa for those in need. I think he's in his 90's.

  We took them for a test drive when we got home and they are running smoothly. It's a good workout for the ole legs and gets my heart rate up. Walking doesn't have the same effect for sure.

  Our session of the Gina Livy program is winding up in a few more days. Gina is offering a free "bridge the gap" group for those of us in the summer program who also signed up for her fall session. I haven't quite figured out how I am going to tackle the gap. 

  There's a couple of options. One is to repeat the first few weeks of the program until the fall one starts. The other is to personalize the plan. 

  This option involves being mindful of hunger, what the body wants to eat, and when while still sticking to the nutrient rich diet I've been eating so far, and not going longer than 3.5 hours without eating. Hard to believe how much eating has helped with weight loss! Keeping up with hydration is also important. This will give my body the chance to solidify the weight that's been lost so far before beginning another session geared at further loss. 

  I have time to figure out what will work best.

  It's been an amazing journey so far. I can't wait to see what is in store for the fall! There's a slew of exercises for those of us who don't exercise just waiting to be utilized. I might have to draw a "how-to" poster rather than having to search for the instruction videos. If it's in my face, the better chance at success. Kind of like leaving my laptop out makes me want to write. 

  My paint is dry. I hope you have an amazing day! And if you think of me on Friday, please pray for no rain!

   

  .

Doubt

   "You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever." Psalm 16:11

   Hmmm...what about doubt? What is it? Is it a bad thing?

  When I think of Thomas, who doubted the Lord's resurrection, Jesus met him where he was at. Thomas was able to see first hand that He had come back from the dead. Jesus didn't condemn him for his doubts. Then Jesus blessed all the people who will never see Him alive for believing by faith alone.

   I think doubt and faith go hand in hand. I think of the numbers of people who doubted the existence of Jesus; who delved into study only to discover He is real. This is a good thing. Their doubt made them seekers of the Kingdom!

  Then there's the doubt that paralyzes and sucks the life out of dreams. Which has me thinking it's also the kind that shuts out God's abilities to move in and through us. It closes us off from unlimited possibilities.

  There are lots of questions rolling around the ole gray matter this morning...

  Is my faith sufficient?

  Is my ability to believe that God will do what He says He will do strong enough to push doubt aside?

  Do I trust Him? 

  Do I trust a God who allowed a disciple to put his hand into the wounds of His Son? 

  Do I even have to purge myself of doubt before good things will happen?

  Isn't faith believing in spite of doubt? 

  When I started the Gina Livy program, I joined to support my friend. It didn't make sense to eat differently. At the time, I doubted there was anything in it for me. O boy, was I wrong!

  Doubt has been cast aside as the non-scale victories keep piling up, never mind the lost weight! Eating the foods God designed us to eat has been life changing.

  But I wouldn't have known these blessings without signing up in spite of my doubts and suspicions about yet another diet plan. 

  I would love to be able to nominate Gina for a Nobel prize for her life changing work. It's already reaching around the globe.

  Do I have the ability to keep showing up despite the doubts. And yes, I am talking about writing the book.

  Oh...smile... I've been doing this all along. 

  There was raising children who I didn't give birth to. They came into my life at an early age for all of us. While there is much I would love to be able to do over, I did the best that I could with the tools I had at the time. Most of those were broken already.

  Then there was life on the farm and everything I didn't know about livestock or tractors or hay balers yet still managed to do okay.

  I think of all the things that have been built and made and created despite having very little knowledge to begin with.

  Then there's my mental health journey. I kept showing up despite the hard, hard things that needed to be overcome. During the grinding weeks and months and years, I trusted God to heal my wounds. For a long time, my only hope was this healing would finally happen the moment He took me home. Boy, was I wrong!

  (Smile.) Doubt has been ground into grit through a faith that has sustained, nurtured and encouraged every step made, every project ever built, every word that was ever typed. It was a faith that existed long before I knew Jesus as Lord.

  Even though doubt may whisper in my ear now and again, I am in this for the long haul. There's no deadline, no pressure to get the book written, all I can do is keep showing up just like I've done my entire life. 

  I know there will be a wonderful, amazing moment when I hear God say, "It is finished!"

  AMEN!

  

  

  

Success

  "And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!" Psalm 90:17

  I keep wrestling with the idea of pride. I have no idea why I am so afraid of it. Is afraid even the right word? 

  I've begun writing the book about the Art of Prayer. There's a constant, toxic chorus in the background. These objectors are fighting hard to stop me in my tracks, to fill my mind with doubt and insecurity. It makes it very hard to concentrate. 

  Maybe they are the source of my fear.

  Ya think?

  I do my best to ignore them because they are lying. I know they are! The coarse and shrieking shadow voices hell bent on tearing these first tentative efforts to shreds are not coming from God.

  A few posts ago, God showed me that pride and confidence are not the same thing at all. It helped me understand that utilizing God's gifts to the best of my ability is what I am supposed to do! 

  As a bit of an aside, the first time I was hospitalized for my mental health, I vaguely remember telling the intake nurse that I was supposed to be here, that God had assured me this is where I needed to be. At some point during my stay they reached out to the counsellor I'd been seeing for a while.

  She shared with me after I was discharged that they had some concerns about the fact I was hearing God speak to me. Her response to their inquiries was absolutely priceless, "Do you think that maybe it's because she is a Christian?" 

  She saved me from being mis-diagnosed with schizophrenia.

  All of us hear voices at some time or another. It could be hearing a beloved dog bark after he or she is no longer on this earth. It could be the voice of a loved one, too, whom God has taken home. It's normal to have these auditory experiences.

  Maybe I hear more because when the focus is on writing I am in a posture of vulnerability before my Lord. I may be typing but I am also listening for God's input and revelations. Maybe that's why I end up hearing the enemy of my soul who is trying to drown Him out with his poisonous words.

  Folks, there's a battle going on here. But I know the harder the enemy works to tear me down, the more I dig in my heels to follow God's calling. The louder the enemy is, the more attuned I am to hearing Truth: the beautiful, sweet, gentle voice of lightness and life.

  

  I've become so used to the kitchen table being my safe place, my sanctuary, I've forgotten the basics of Christian 101: PRAY! Pray the prayers of protection. Pray the authority of Christ to banish the devil's voice. Pray for God to bless the keyboard, the table, my home with His presence and His Spirit.

  Dear readers, if the Lord brings me to mind, please pray for the protection I need to write the book because you know what? The enemy wouldn't be fighting so desperately to stop it if it wasn't something that has tremendous value. What that is I will learn in due time. For now, all I am called to do is write.

  Thank you so much!

AMEN.