A Day of Thanks

  "We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever, they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ." Ephesians 4:14-15

  That's what I want. To be more like Christ. I want to know truth but I also want to be able to discern when I am being lied to. For far too long, the truths I've been told were lies masquerading as truth. It's hard not to grieve. Cricket has been very chatty over the last little while, bringing up the memories that forged the cage that defined how we were supposed to live, feel, think and sneeze. The bars are thick and cold, coated with rust but strong enough to break the heart and soul of a child.

  Jesus has broken the lock and the door is opened. We have stepped out but the cage is still there, behind us. It hasn't vanished yet. There's nothing I'd like more than to see it crumble into dust. 

  Metal doesn't break down over night.

  Perhaps it might be a day to give thanks for what has been achieved in the last little while. 

  I have learned a lot about narcissistic abuse and the damage it does. It's helped me understand Cricket's memories and why we remember them in the first place. There's a theme, a repeated pattern, of betrayal, being blamed for having feelings, and countless times when fear stepped in to silence any questions or complaints or even needs. The times when we needed help the most were moments of punishment.

  It happened in my marriage, too. Not just in childhood. But then, I'd already been groomed to utter compliancy. He chose me, not because he loved me but because he could control me.

  I am grateful that marriage ended a long time ago.

  It's hard to be grateful for a death but without my stepdad's passing, I would not have seen the truth about the one who raised me. I am still reeling a bit, trying to understand how anyone could be so utterly cruel. It's good to know my stepdad is with Jesus, now, and free from the pain of cancer and the hurt inflicted by the one who was supposed to love and care for him.

  I am grateful for taking the time to explore what creates a narcissistic person. It's very sad. This knowledge wraps the anger with pity. 

  They hate themselves so much that the only way to feel any sort of worth is to demean, hurt and control others. Their charm and sociable personalities make them a favorite of gatherings. It's the mask they wear in public. The people around them are their mirror because they can't look at their own reflection. They are unable to apologize because to do so means admitting fallibility, weakness or a mistake.

  And yes, they are cruel. It is a source of joy, the pain they inflict, because it means they are powerful.

  Thank you, Lord, for helping me recognize the source of such evil. 

  I am thankful that no sin is too big for the Lord to forgive. 

  I am thankful for the ability to ask for His forgiveness when He shows me the error of my ways.

  The term "flying monkey" came to light this week. It's in reference to the Wizard of Oz and the wicked witch who controlled a flying monkey army. She forced them to do her bidding. 

  I have been a flying monkey. In my marriage. It was a hard pill to swallow but I can't beat myself up for it. I didn't know any other way to be but submissive, dutiful, and respectful of my husband's demands. I thought I was being a good wife. 

  Lord, forgive me for being a flying monkey. Help me make amends to those I have harmed, especially my children.

  I am thankful for clarity; for seeing things the way they were and are. Deception has failed. The author of lies has failed.

  I am thankful for being freed of the confusion that has been a constant companion. Although, it would be nice to get the words that haunt me out of my head.

  I am thankful that despite the harm that was done, hatred isn't part of my story.

  The grief will pass. In time.

  Thank you, Lord, for new life. AMEN!

  PS. In case you were wondering about the sneeze comment, Cricket learned to smother sneezes because any other kind was too loud. This is really bad for the sinuses and can damage them. Nevertheless, NO NOISE THAT WOULD DRAW ATTENTION TO YOU IS ALLOWED was a RULE.

  Oh....that's an interesting revelation. It wasn't about the noise at all. It was about being the centre of attention and not the narcissist. Even if that attention was as brief as a sneeze.

  Oh, my Lord, this ole cage has a lot of bars! But one has crumbled to dust today. Praise Jesus!