Falsehoods

   "I hate and abhor all falsehood, but I love Your instructions. I will praise You seven times a day because all Your regulations are just. Those who love Your instructions have great peace and do not stumble." Psalm 119:163-165

  "She's a liar!" I cried out in anguish. 

  It's an anguish wrapped in a deep blanket of grief. The kind that's been born in the pain of clarity and truth and loss.  

  The loss of an illusion is still a loss. It was an illusion upheld by hope. The kind of hope that is grace filled, forgiving and patient.  

  I've been thinking about this statement for the last two weeks. 

  Because those three little words ended up creating a massive upsurge of guilt. For even saying something mean about my mom. For not being the "bigger person." For not speaking in love. For using a generalized statement about her behaviour. For labelling her. For having no grace for her brokenness.

  And the cage bars rattle lies of their own; a familiar litany of responsibility and shame.

  But most of all, the bars rattle to drown out my voice. They sound like an affronted and contemptuous, "How dare you!!" that never stops. I can almost see the bars pursing their lips in distain. That is, if bars had lips.

  Maybe they do. But they are lying lips with a seductively beautiful, Romanesque curl. 

  If I am to embrace the knowledge that I am a child of God, I don't belong there even though it feels like it would be easier not to change.

  So I've been practicing conversations. Mostly the boundary setting kind. It's like learning a new language for someone who has never been able to enforce them or even realized I had the right to have them in the first place.

  And the cage door opens with a rusty, metal on metal shriek, "How dare you!!"

  I'm going to slam that puppy shut with three words of my own, "Because I can."

  I was advised to use some CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) practices to help dismantle the lies I've believed. It's basically capturing the falsehoods and replacing them with truth.

  CBT doesn't work for me. Maybe it's because I've been told my whole life that the things I think or feel are wrong. CBT feels like punishing myself for it. Maybe it also has something to do with not being able to believe the truth anyways.

  It also doesn't go deep enough for me.

  I want to understand the "why" behind the un-Godly beliefs. In discovering the why, it reveals fertile ground for repentance and forgiveness. They are the foundation of permanent healing. CBT feels like slapping a coat of paint on the cage. 

  It also doesn't leave room for conversations with Jesus about it all.

  But that's me. 

  While making my bed this morning, I mulled over the three words, "She's a liar!"  The toxic soup of cage whispering swirled all around.

  The Lord whispered in my ear. The cage fell silent immediately.

  "If she's a liar, then the mean and demeaning things she's said to you for all these years aren't true either, are they?"

  No. No they are not.

  AMEN! 

  PS. CBT is a therapy option that has helped many people find their way out of their own cages. Please, don't allow my own preferences to stop what is helping, We are all on a path of our own. If that's what works for you, it should be embraced. God bless you with joy and healing.