Balance

   If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes form wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. Such things are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For where there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." James 3:13-16

  This morning's Scripture was found in a search for verses regarding walking away from a bad relationship. Scripture, some faith based YouTube videos and friends are helping me understand that it's okay to do this. The expression, "Let go and let God," finally makes sense.

  I have had to do some major repenting of my own in all of this. It was part and parcel of breaking the soul ties that bound me to my mom. It was a bond not founded in mutual love and respect but rather through control, ownership and oppression. It was a thoughtful, prayerful process and incredibly freeing. 

  I am grateful for the tender guidance of the Holy Spirit on this. And Google for providing the starting point for such a prayer.

  I have other things to repent of as well. As a believer, I thought I was doing the right thing by honouring my parent, by continuing to be in contact with her, by striving to make her happy. I realize now, I was simply waiting, filled with the false hope that she would change.  

  Her changing won't happen because of anything I previously did or didn't do. Only God can restore her. (Forgive me Lord, for trying.)

  Change begins with silence, with not playing the game any more. 

  Research into what it's like to be a narcissist has helped nurture some compassion and pity for the people who are like this. I can pity my mom because the only way of dealing with her own unfathomable inner pain and self loathing is to overpower and destroy anything that is better than she can either do or be. 

  They weaponize our love, our needs, our desires for relationship, our thoughts and ideas, and even our own identity and use it against us. They will not rest until we are utterly destroyed. 

  Narcissists are sick, sick people. Literally.

  It has been hard to face this truth about the woman who raised me. Seeing her need for power and the ensuing cruelty in action on a helpless, dying man was the tipping point.

  I once was blind but now I see. 

  The view isn't pretty.

  And a journey begins to extricate myself from the toxic lessons and automatic behaviours that are poison to my soul, heart and mind. I will ask for help from the Lord to increase my awareness when the autopilot is steering me the wrong way. 

  His way, the way of truth and life is the only path I want to walk on.

  It starts with grief. 

  Forgiveness will come in due time.

  

  

God's Blessing

   "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mathew 5:4

  It's been a long while since I sat here at the table. It's been a trying month. My step-dad passed away on July 29 in the early hours of the morning. His son was with him when he finally found peace. He had cancer but a series of falls in the previous month were what finally took him. Allan was 94. 

  The events leading up to Allan's, hospitalization are horrific beyond imagining. Enough so there was a coroner's inquest into suspected elder abuse by an elder. The only reason my mom wasn't charged was because Allan's son intervened and made allowances for my mom's age. She turned 92 yesterday.

  Nevertheless, I am here, faced with having to acknowledge a cold, hard truth. The woman who adopted and raised me is a pathological narcissist. It's only through the intervention and prayers of others that I am able to find a glimmer of pity for the woman who lost her husband of nearly 40 years.

  I have excused/justified and accepted her behaviour for years as coming from someone who was difficult to be with. It's only now do I realize the price that was paid to be in her presence. Once I was blind, but now I see. And it's left me reeling a bit.

  There was never a relationship with her. True of all narcissists, it's about power, control and possession. They will do or say anything to maintain the balance of power in their favour. Gaslighting is their weapon of choice. It's a cruel, cruel weapon that slowly strips their victim of their ability to trust the things they see or hear or feel or even think. 

  If a narcissist has done their job well, the one who has been broken smothers their own identity simply to keep the peace. It's a bitter peace, though, because the narcissist's voice becomes the one in your head. It is an ugly voice and a cruel master.

  I am going to get some therapy to overcome a lifetime of conditioning. Because not only was I raised by a narcissist, I spent 20 years with a spouse who was one as well. I am not surprised by this. He chose someone who was already broken in. 

  But I have a God who sees all things and will use all things for good. The terrible things that happened to Allan are what got him into the hospital and away from the cruelty of his wife. They are the things that made me realize my mom is a sick, sick woman. Her lies were exposed. The truth of her cruelty came into the light. The truth of what she is is utterly undeniable.

  It brought Allan's son, his daughter and myself closer than we had ever been before. 

  I know Allan is in heaven now. He was a good man with a deep and quiet faith. I am thankful he is free from the suffering he endured in his last days and months on earth. I am thankful he was free from pain in the end.

 His last words to me were, "Walk on." I thought he was talking about the song "You'll Never Walk Alone." I sang him the few words I could remember. This beautiful song became my anthem during the long days of waiting at the hospital. A couple of days after this lovely moment, I realized something. It wasn't about the song at all. His last words were a secret message, one he knew my mom wouldn't understand. He, my dad, was granting permission to walk away.

  I have had no contact with her since Allan's burial service on Tuesday. The guilt comes in waves. But that's her voice, not God's.

  In all the teaching about breaking free from a narcissistic relationship, the greatest weapon in my arsenal is silence. By not engaging, the narcissist is unable to utilize their own arsenal of gaslighting tactics to reassert control. 

  I have given her to God because only God can free her.

  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

Perspective

   "You are all children of the Most High." Psalm 82:6

  It's been a long while but seeing as the laptop is on the table, it feels like a good idea to do some writing. 

  It's out because I spent a couple of hours online with a Microsoft support agent in India. He fixed what turned out to be a pirated version of Office. I thought I'd bought it from a Microsoft store. However, their phone was out of service and emails to them were fruitless so the support tech went the extra mile to set things right. 

  The pirated version has been uninstalled and the correct product has been paid for and installed so there should be no more issues. He took care of everything because it was too much for my limited technology skills. I am in awe of his skill.

  When I first reached out via the chat feature, there were almost 70 people in the queue. It was going to take almost an hour for my turn to come up. It would have been easy to get ticked off and frustrated but what's the point? Considering the number of people on the planet, 70 is a small number. I was able to make a lemon loaf for tonight's home church while I waited.

  I'd also approached this with the full knowledge it would probably take some time to fix whatever was going on. Add in a slower speed of internet and, well, it takes extra time to do anything electronically. 

  So we ended up having a conversation to pass the time while we waited for downloads or uploads or whatever loads were needed. I got to know this stranger from half a world away a little bit. 

  

  So, perspective. 

  Based on some of his comments, being treated kindly is a rare event for a customer service rep. 

  It's not his fault I got scammed. That truth is hard to swallow because I thought I was being so careful. There's a few lessons learned because of it.

  Yah, a bargain isn't always a bargain. At least the loss was only what amounted to pocket change these days. It could have been much worse. There could have been all sorts of technological boogeymen installed along with the program but hey, if someone wants to steal knitting patterns and landscape photos then they hit the jackpot!

  

  But, because of being scammed, I got to know a stranger from half a world a way just a little bit.

  How wonderful is that!