Impact

   "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28

  Before getting into the meat and potatoes of today's post, . 

  There's something special about this time of year. As the days shorten and the sun sits lower, the sky turn this incredible shade of fathomless blue. The trees don their autumn finery. The crimsons, oranges and yellows appear all the more vibrant against a blue that defies description. It's beautiful. 

  I am thankful for beauty and for the eyes to see it in the midst of everything that is going on.

  A friend brought us an autumn selection of cut flowers a week ago. They are just about finished. I hate to throw them out because they've been lovely to look at.

  While looking for creative ideas for workshops, I came across a way to use cut flowers. It involves laying the blooms face down on a piece of  paper then covering them with wax paper. Using a hammer to pulverize the petals causes the colours to transfer to the paper. The end result is pretty cool. It's like taking flower fingerprints. No two are the same.

  But these imprints are a mere shadow of their original beauty.

  While experimenting with this technique this morning, it was interesting to realize the whole process was a description of how I was feeling. 

 

  That's what abuse, narcissistic or otherwise, does. It takes what is beautiful, hammers it to a pulp, and leaves nothing remaining but a vague impression of its original form.

   Too bad it's impossible to hammer a piece of the sky onto the paper as a back drop. That would be stunning!

 

  I did something unusual today. I spoke up.

  It took two weeks to prepare myself. I practiced. I made notes then made other notes then wrote something else down. I wept over the fact that this is so very hard. But most of all, I was afraid of what might happen. 

  Speaking up was part of making a decision. It involved the new therapist I've seen and what happened in our second appointment. I think I wrote about someone saying, "I don't like labels." It was my therapist.

  Before I decided whether or not to continue working with her, I needed her to know what that meant to me. She needed to know how it had put me on my guard. She needed to know how it left me feeling: compelled to watch what I say or how I say it. 

  That's what I know. That's what the hammer taught me.

  It went really well. She apologized and thanked me for saying something because the moment I did, she saw things from my perspective. It gave her a better insight into my messed up world. Next time, it's okay to email her sooner, if and when I get triggered, and am left feeling unsettled. It's bound to happen again. It's part of being human.

  

  It's been a huge relief.

  I will continue what has been started.

  Although, in writing about it, it feels as though I made a mountain out of a mole hill...or maybe I will simply celebrate this amazingly successful venture into unfamiliar territory: speaking my truth.

  Praise God! The One who guided the conversation and gave the strength to say what needed to be said. AMEN!

  PS. I was going to mow the lawn but I think I need to pulverize some more flowers first. Maybe even  raid the garden for some greenery. What would Japanese fern fingerprints look like? Or Hosta leaves?

Oooo, this is going to be fun! And that suits me just fine.

 

  

  

  

  

  

Falsehoods

   "I hate and abhor all falsehood, but I love Your instructions. I will praise You seven times a day because all Your regulations are just. Those who love Your instructions have great peace and do not stumble." Psalm 119:163-165

  "She's a liar!" I cried out in anguish. 

  It's an anguish wrapped in a deep blanket of grief. The kind that's been born in the pain of clarity and truth and loss.  

  The loss of an illusion is still a loss. It was an illusion upheld by hope. The kind of hope that is grace filled, forgiving and patient.  

  I've been thinking about this statement for the last two weeks. 

  Because those three little words ended up creating a massive upsurge of guilt. For even saying something mean about my mom. For not being the "bigger person." For not speaking in love. For using a generalized statement about her behaviour. For labelling her. For having no grace for her brokenness.

  And the cage bars rattle lies of their own; a familiar litany of responsibility and shame.

  But most of all, the bars rattle to drown out my voice. They sound like an affronted and contemptuous, "How dare you!!" that never stops. I can almost see the bars pursing their lips in distain. That is, if bars had lips.

  Maybe they do. But they are lying lips with a seductively beautiful, Romanesque curl. 

  If I am to embrace the knowledge that I am a child of God, I don't belong there even though it feels like it would be easier not to change.

  So I've been practicing conversations. Mostly the boundary setting kind. It's like learning a new language for someone who has never been able to enforce them or even realized I had the right to have them in the first place.

  And the cage door opens with a rusty, metal on metal shriek, "How dare you!!"

  I'm going to slam that puppy shut with three words of my own, "Because I can."

  I was advised to use some CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) practices to help dismantle the lies I've believed. It's basically capturing the falsehoods and replacing them with truth.

  CBT doesn't work for me. Maybe it's because I've been told my whole life that the things I think or feel are wrong. CBT feels like punishing myself for it. Maybe it also has something to do with not being able to believe the truth anyways.

  It also doesn't go deep enough for me.

  I want to understand the "why" behind the un-Godly beliefs. In discovering the why, it reveals fertile ground for repentance and forgiveness. They are the foundation of permanent healing. CBT feels like slapping a coat of paint on the cage. 

  It also doesn't leave room for conversations with Jesus about it all.

  But that's me. 

  While making my bed this morning, I mulled over the three words, "She's a liar!"  The toxic soup of cage whispering swirled all around.

  The Lord whispered in my ear. The cage fell silent immediately.

  "If she's a liar, then the mean and demeaning things she's said to you for all these years aren't true either, are they?"

  No. No they are not.

  AMEN! 

  PS. CBT is a therapy option that has helped many people find their way out of their own cages. Please, don't allow my own preferences to stop what is helping, We are all on a path of our own. If that's what works for you, it should be embraced. God bless you with joy and healing.

  

  

  

  

Life Outside

   "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

  God is good.

  All the time.

  It's funny, how what you know can suddenly become something you understand. There's been a great deal of understanding as of late. It's almost as though the Lord has preselected the videos I have been watching. It seems the right one always comes across my path at the right moment. Who knows, maybe He has, or at least guides me in the right direction. True to His way, He lets me decide if I watch it or not.

  I am most grateful.

  But knowledge without wisdom is empty.

  So I need to know how to use what I've learned because the cage I've stepped out of is inside my mind and body. And because the primal, survival part of my brain has been running the show for so long, it's going to take time to help it understand it's not needed until it's actually needed. Like when a bear attacks or something like that.

  Right now, it sees bears absolutely everywhere and is acting accordingly. 

  And my brain responds by affirming, "Yup, there are bears everywhere and one might attack you in your bed so be aware and ready to run." 

  

  I don't think a simple, "Stand down, soldier." will be enough.

  Or maybe that's it. Three words to calm my soul. I like the idea of calling my survival brain a soldier because it's only tried to do what a good soldier does: serve and protect.

  Maybe I am angry with her, too. She didn't do a very good job...and now she's overcompensating for her failures.

  That's not really fair, is it? 

  Because bears can wear disguises: mother, husband, brother, friend, doctor, boss...

  And that is a hard lesson.

  The bears are real after all.

  Dear, sweet Lord Jesus, help my inner soldier learn to assess a situation before going full on battle ready. Help me discern what is real and what is not and grant me the wisdom to act accordingly. In Your name I pray. AMEN!

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

Deception

   "In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me. Deliver me, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue." Psalm 120:1-2

  If I am to embrace truth and honesty as core values, it means I must let go of lying. You see, the lying lips and deceitful tongue have been my own. 

  I've been lying to myself for a long time, convinced it was the right thing to do. It's what kept me small.

  There's a long list of self-deceptions disguised as "doing the right thing." 

  There's an even longer one disguised as humility.

  It's why confusion ruled. Truth has been at war with untruth. And as long as I believe the lies told to me either by someone else or by my own admission and acceptance, the cage exists.

 Justification is a slippery slope. Lies are easily justified when they come disguised as normal, the way things are, the way it needs to be, the way it is expected to be. 

 And as long as I play by the rules passed down by the generations before me, the grand deception continues.

  I am tired of living in the swirling turmoil of lies disguised by words like duty, obligation, compliancy, gratitude, submission, obedience, and loyalty. These are good qualities when God is involved but when the father of lies twists them into chains, they are punishing and cruel. These shackles are tightened even further by guilt and shame and politeness.

  Perversely, it feel disloyal to embrace the truth! But who am I being disloyal to?

  I've been thoroughly conditioned, enough so that I picked up the lies and carried on conditioning myself to only think of myself through a lens of dishonesty. Truthfully, it was the only lens I knew.

  Now, that's not necessarily true...smile...it's the only lens I looked through. Even though the Lord has been holding a new one up to my eye for a long time, now. 

  I guess I though I didn't deserve it. I'm sorry, my Lord. 

  Three days ago, I cried out to the Lord that I had no idea how to live outside the cage. There is a great deal of thinking to be done about what life on the outside means. Creating a piece of art might help to explore this new territory of finally being at home in my own skin. 

  Cricket is giggling in the background, "It's about time!" And she does a little, joyful spin.

  Forgive me, Lord, for the lies, for thinking You have been lying to me. Thank You for showing me the error of my ways. Thank You for the courage to look, not only in the mirror, but into Your heart. 

  

  

  

Out of Hiding

 "Can anyone hide from Me in a secret place? Am I not everywhere in all the heavens and earth?" says the Lord. Jeremiah 23:24

  I have a confession. No sense in hiding it. I am angry.  

  A friend shared a poem she had written. I am deeply honoured whenever she is willing to share her heart with me. More often than not, her words speak the truth of my own heart. We are kindred spirits in many ways.

  In the poem, she talked about her infant self, lying in a crib. The bars were a prison where she lay, forgotten and cast off. 

  Both of us are children of adoption. We have often talked about the impact it has had on us even though we were mere infants. Being adopted has a cost to the adoptee, even if the home is a loving one.

  I am angry for the abuse she suffered from her adoptive family. It was horrific beyond imagining. 

  I am angry because we, she and I, were both chosen by a family wanting a child.

  Only to be raised as though we were never worthy of that choice. 

  It's a debtor's prison with no way of earning enough to ever break free.

  I am angry because it has taken so long to finally see the bars of my own cage. Yet I am still being asked to step back inside. 

  It goes by many names, this re-entry...being the bigger person, being forgiving, being the stronger one...duty...responsibility...

  I simply can't do it any more. The cost is too high.

  And I am angry because I feel so crappy about not jumping back into the cage.

  Because I don't know how to live outside.

  

  I am angry because my friend is dying.

  Lord, show me how to live. Create in me a new mind. In Jesus Name I pray. AMEN!

  

  

  

Six Words

  "What sorrows await the world, because it tempts people to sin. Temptations are inevitable, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting." Matthew 18:7

  "I love you. I really do."

  My mom left this message Saturday evening. 

  Her words have fallen on my heart like a stone.

  Maybe she does. God knows.

  However, recent events and revelations makes me very cautious. 

  She's never said this before, unprompted. It's always been in response to my, "I love you, mom." 

  It feels like bait.

  Her message put me back in the boat named Confusion. This morning, my hand is reaching for the hand of Jesus to help me get out again.

  You see? I want to believe her. But what would it mean if I did? What actions are required on my part, if any?

  Is she asking me to come back to the way things have always been? Is she asking me to be small again?

  Am I being asked to forget everything and carry on as though nothing happened?

  I can't do that. Not when the truth of who she is and what she is capable of has been revealed by God.

  Truth has set me free and no matter how prettily the boat has been decorated, I don't belong there.

  

  Nevertheless, the boat's crew are singing a sailor's song of obligation and duty and responsibility. 

  Who am I kidding? It's a full on orchestra!

  The bass drum is beating a rhythm of self doubt. 

  The strings are plucking a lecture for the audacity of my silence.

  The brass blares, "Just who do you think you are, anyways?!"

  The woodwinds whistle nasty names.

  I am tired of hearing the music written by my mom.  

  However, God is good and He gave me a heart of kindness.

  A smidgen of grace drowns the song out because I can't help but wonder, what song plays in her head?

  It doesn't mean I have to call her back. 

  She is in God's hands now.

  

  

Mourning Coffee

   "The heavens are Yours, and the earth is Yours; everything in the world is Yours--You created it all." Psalm 89:11

  It is an early morning. The sun is shining through the kitchen window, bathing me in its warm light. Breakfast has been eaten. A cup of coffee sits on the table and emits a pleasant aroma. I like coffee. Always have.

  Cricket would waken occasionally, go downstairs to the kitchen and crawl up onto Dad's knee. She would get a few sips of his last cup of coffee before bed. I don't know what woke us but that occasional, nightly cuddle with Dad was special. 

  She used to run down the driveway when he came home from work.

  "Daddy! Daddy! Can I drive?"

  He would stop the car, open the door and we'd climb onto his lap. He'd let us "drive" the car up the driveway. It was so magical. It filled our heart with joy and laughter. 

  I'm thinking I need to explain the use of the terms "us" and "we." It's a language of validation, not separation. Cricket is me. Her story is my story but for now, it feels important to acknowledge the experiences she had. It's my way of saying, "I hear you." Truthfully, I kept her under wraps for a long time. Especially the hard stuff.

  It's nice to be reminded there were some good moments in childhood. Simple moments. Mostly, it was with my dad. 

  He passed away suddenly when I was in my late teens. It was long ago but it seems like yesterday. I find myself missing the safety his presence created for Cricket.

  One of the things that came up in learning about narcissism was the question, "Do they know what they are doing?"

  The answer is yes. 

  The cruel things my mother said to me never happened when dad was around. She knew better. She also knew they were mean. Otherwise, why not say them when he was in earshot?

  I never told my Dad any of it. Nothing about the sexual or physical abuse. Nothing about mom. Because I believed all of it was my fault. Predators, the physical or emotional kind, are good at making sure their victims take full ownership. They place the burden of responsibility for the things that are done or said squarely on the ones they hurt.

  And I believed I would be accused of lying. How could a child combat adult authority?

  Cricket, love, it was never your, our, fault. 

  When I first saw my step dad lying in bed, during those first, few precious minutes we had together, I had a vision. I saw Jesus standing with His hands on either side of Allan's cancer wrapped head. The Lord's head was bent over and He was weeping. 

  I was so grateful to see Him there.

  It's hard, knowing mom knew exactly the harm she was causing, not just to Allan, to Cricket as well. She chose to do it anyways. 

  And Jesus wept for all of us. 

  Even her.

  

  

  

  

  

A Day of Thanks

  "We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever, they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ." Ephesians 4:14-15

  That's what I want. To be more like Christ. I want to know truth but I also want to be able to discern when I am being lied to. For far too long, the truths I've been told were lies masquerading as truth. It's hard not to grieve. Cricket has been very chatty over the last little while, bringing up the memories that forged the cage that defined how we were supposed to live, feel, think and sneeze. The bars are thick and cold, coated with rust but strong enough to break the heart and soul of a child.

  Jesus has broken the lock and the door is opened. We have stepped out but the cage is still there, behind us. It hasn't vanished yet. There's nothing I'd like more than to see it crumble into dust. 

  Metal doesn't break down over night.

  Perhaps it might be a day to give thanks for what has been achieved in the last little while. 

  I have learned a lot about narcissistic abuse and the damage it does. It's helped me understand Cricket's memories and why we remember them in the first place. There's a theme, a repeated pattern, of betrayal, being blamed for having feelings, and countless times when fear stepped in to silence any questions or complaints or even needs. The times when we needed help the most were moments of punishment.

  It happened in my marriage, too. Not just in childhood. But then, I'd already been groomed to utter compliancy. He chose me, not because he loved me but because he could control me.

  I am grateful that marriage ended a long time ago.

  It's hard to be grateful for a death but without my stepdad's passing, I would not have seen the truth about the one who raised me. I am still reeling a bit, trying to understand how anyone could be so utterly cruel. It's good to know my stepdad is with Jesus, now, and free from the pain of cancer and the hurt inflicted by the one who was supposed to love and care for him.

  I am grateful for taking the time to explore what creates a narcissistic person. It's very sad. This knowledge wraps the anger with pity. 

  They hate themselves so much that the only way to feel any sort of worth is to demean, hurt and control others. Their charm and sociable personalities make them a favorite of gatherings. It's the mask they wear in public. The people around them are their mirror because they can't look at their own reflection. They are unable to apologize because to do so means admitting fallibility, weakness or a mistake.

  And yes, they are cruel. It is a source of joy, the pain they inflict, because it means they are powerful.

  Thank you, Lord, for helping me recognize the source of such evil. 

  I am thankful that no sin is too big for the Lord to forgive. 

  I am thankful for the ability to ask for His forgiveness when He shows me the error of my ways.

  The term "flying monkey" came to light this week. It's in reference to the Wizard of Oz and the wicked witch who controlled a flying monkey army. She forced them to do her bidding. 

  I have been a flying monkey. In my marriage. It was a hard pill to swallow but I can't beat myself up for it. I didn't know any other way to be but submissive, dutiful, and respectful of my husband's demands. I thought I was being a good wife. 

  Lord, forgive me for being a flying monkey. Help me make amends to those I have harmed, especially my children.

  I am thankful for clarity; for seeing things the way they were and are. Deception has failed. The author of lies has failed.

  I am thankful for being freed of the confusion that has been a constant companion. Although, it would be nice to get the words that haunt me out of my head.

  I am thankful that despite the harm that was done, hatred isn't part of my story.

  The grief will pass. In time.

  Thank you, Lord, for new life. AMEN!

  PS. In case you were wondering about the sneeze comment, Cricket learned to smother sneezes because any other kind was too loud. This is really bad for the sinuses and can damage them. Nevertheless, NO NOISE THAT WOULD DRAW ATTENTION TO YOU IS ALLOWED was a RULE.

  Oh....that's an interesting revelation. It wasn't about the noise at all. It was about being the centre of attention and not the narcissist. Even if that attention was as brief as a sneeze.

  Oh, my Lord, this ole cage has a lot of bars! But one has crumbled to dust today. Praise Jesus!

  

  

Behind the Veil

  "As was the custom of the of the priests, he (Zechariah, the father of John the Baptist) was chosen by lot to enter the sanctuary of the Lord and burn incense." Luke 1:9

  I found myself amalgamating a couple of stories in thinking about Zechariah. It is in stark contrast to the one where Jesus overturned the tables in the courtyard of the same temple Zechariah had entered decades earlier. While there's no mention of them in Z's brief part in the story of Jesus, I bet they were there.

  There's only fragments of lessons learned about the temple itself. There was the public courtyard, the inner courtyard, stairs leading to the entry and a veil that guarded the door. The same veil Jesus tore with His crucifixion and death.

  

  I've been listening to Jordan Peterson a lot over the last little while. His YouTube teaching is life giving and affirming for someone working to break free of the cage narcissistic abuse creates. That's where the temple comes into play.

  

  I imagined walking into the courtyard. It is full of salespeople pitching their livestock, nearly perfect for the slaughter. If one isn't quite perfect, they have another, more expensive animal. The money lenders are loudly encouraging people to borrow money at criminal interest rates. It is the only way the desperate sinners could buy the ram, the calf, because a little pigeon could never wipe away the sins they committed. 

  Can you hear them? The lies? The guilt laid on thick? 

  The judgement?

  Can you hear the chaos of a thousand voices, each trying to be heard?

  But I am a believer. I have no need of livestock.

  The inner courtyard is an oasis, free from the stench of animals and crowds of people. There's still noise. Priests praying loudly, trying to outdo each other in holiness.

 

  But I am a believer. I have no need of such overt displays of righteousness.

  I climb the stairs towards the veil. I can hear the Lord calling to step into His sanctuary. I pull it back and step into the coolness of the shade. Silence is the only sound. 

  I enter into the stillness of my birthright.

  Because I am a believer and belong in this place of intimate conversation and connection. Where could be better but to be with the Lord, the Creator of all things, who breathed life into my mother's womb. In the stillness I feel Jesus wrap His arms around my soul and peace comes.

  It's a peace that will need protecting. It will require learning to speak a new language: the one of unbreakable boundaries. It will require forgiveness and repentance. It will require time to break the bars of a cage that is still very much a part of my life.

  But best of all, behind the veil I experience joy because I left the money changers, the liars and the thieves behind.

  

  

Unlocking Truth

   "We thank you, O God! We give thanks because you are near." Psalm 75:1

  I cherish these moments, dear Lord, and thank You for allowing the truth to rise.

  On the way to work yesterday, a memory rose from the depths of forgotten days. Within it is a key that has helped me unlock the truth I so long to know.  

  Once again, it's Cricket who suffered. It may seem like a small suffering compared to some of the things we...I...have experienced. But, small keys can unlock big things. 

  Is that what suffering is, my Lord? Keys that unlock transformation? I suppose they are. In Your hands, they are. So I surrender this memory to You. Help me find the truth.

  I was playing with a pair of brothers in their front yard. They lived a couple of doors down from our house. We were playing tag or maybe kicking a ball around. It doesn't matter. We were having a great, fun time just being kids and enjoying the game. 

  Their dad was in the driveway doing something with their car. 

  The driveway was lower than the yard. A small, wood retaining wall lined the edge. The boys started bugging him, wanting him to be part of the game. I joined in, too. He laughed and gladly took on the role of bear/monster and began chasing us around the car. I was laughing. The boys were laughing. 

  I jumped up the retaining wall onto the grass and fell. The dad-monster caught me! I was still laughing, feigning mock terror. Until he grabbed my foot by the heel and toe and twisted it sideways. 

  He was still laughing.

  Pain has a way of silencing joy. 

  I cried out he was hurting me so he let me go. It had been excruciating and brought tears to my eyes.

  He let me go and I got up, limping.

  

  The memory stops here. It's a wall of nothingness.

  I was asked the other day if I had disassociated as a child. While I knew for sure of one event, this has surprised me. 

  So this morning, I am going to lay beside Cricket on the grass while a grown man/dad inflicts pain on her poor, wee ankle. What is going on in your heart and mind, love?

  "He's a dad! He's not supposed to hurt me!" (Betrayal.)

  "Having fun isn't allowed." (Punishment.)

  "It's my fault. I shouldn't have bothered him." (Guilt.)

  "No one will believe he is doing this to me." (Shame.)

  "It's okay for grown ups to hurt me." (WTF??????)

  "I mustn't tell anyone because I will be blamed or accused of lying/exaggerating." (Despair.)

  

   The attached emotions were added after I'd finished writing Cricket's story.

   It's no wonder I shut down in the face of such a toxic soup of emotion. Especially since it's only as an adult can I voice what was going on inside. God knew there would be a time and a season to revisit this particular memory. He had to prepare the way for me to be able to face it..

  Sigh. This hasn't been an easy exercise.

  My apologies for the profanity but that one line rocked me.

  It's a core belief, albeit a toxic one. "It's okay for people to hurt me." And, "I have to make allowances for their behaviour because inevitably, it's my fault anyways," is part of it, too.

  I am going to sign off. There's a whack of grief in knowing a lie that has shaped so much of my life. 

  The best part? I know it's a lie.

  I have one request of You, dear Lord. As this memory bubbles around in my head today, help me see where You were. I know you were there but Cricket needs to know, too. In Your name I pray. AMEN!

  PS. I'd barely finished typing the AMEN and He answered.

  Jesus was the author of the disassociation. He wrapped His love around me. It was a gift for a child utterly overwhelmed by the shadows that lurked in the bright sunshine of a summer's afternoon.

  PPS. A Christian once told me disassociation is sinful because what caused it wasn't taken to the Lord. Thank You for showing me, dear Lord, that it is Your gift for suffering children. AMEN. And it's a wonderful day knowing lies have been shattered into oblivion. Help me walk in Your truth, dear Lord. AMEN again!!

   

Into the Open

   "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." Luke 8:17

  My friend and I went to the local plant nursery. We were looking for a basil plant. This late in the season, there weren't many. We spent some time wandering around, checking out the season end specials.

  There were several Japanese Maples marked down considerably. It is a tree I've always admired. There's something special about their red and delicate leaves; how they move in the wind with shimmering crimson beauty. 

  It didn't take long to choose one. Somehow, the one meant to grace my yard had an extra level of personality and presence. And I felt somewhat sorry for her, too. The extremely hot summer had not been kind. Some of the leaves were dried and curled at the edges from too much sun despite the nursery's best efforts to protect the trees from the worst of the heat. 

  With guidance from staff on the best way to give her the best possible chance, it meant buying the right soil and a transplant fertilizer to give the roots a good start. I've chosen a sheltered place, both from the wind and the hottest part of the day. This beauty will get ample watering until the frost rolls in. It didn't hurt to pray a blessing on this newest addition to the gardens. (She has just now been named, too. "Beauty.")

  Maybe I chose this one because she represents how I am feeling: battered by the things I had no power over.

  There's grief in the stillness of being. It's a heavy, heart wrenching, profound sense of loss around what was never mine in the first place.

  I've learned something about trauma in all of this reflection. The Lord has brought some amazing teaching my way about the difference between PTSD and Complex PTSD.

  When there's an expectation of safety and that safe place/person/situation ends up going sideways, it's a traumatic event. Even when there is no actual physical harm.

  When the loss, or perceived loss, of safety is repeated over and over again, it can cause Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is far reaching and not isolated to a particular event with a distinct beginning and end. That's what can cause PTSD.

  The child...I...did my best to manufacture the safety I longed for by staying small. 

  It didn't work. 

  I have been afraid my entire life, waiting for the other shoe to drop. After a lifetime of dropped shoes, it's not surprising.

  There have been well meaning people who have told me that fear is pride based. It's something I've struggled to relate to this situation. 

  The fear I struggle with is primal because it began before I had the vocabulary to even describe how I felt. If a toddler or child looking for comfort finds none, or worse, is rejected, what could they possibly know except to be afraid?

  And I learned to be afraid of myself because my emotions betrayed me and left me vulnerable.

  

  Into the open, dear Lord, with my singed leaves, no matter how painful it is. In You I trust. AMEN!

  

  

   

  

Being Small

   "I (Paul) pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope He (Jesus) has given to those He called--His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance." Ephesians 1:18

  My life has been an exercise in smallness. Smallness meant survival. Smallness meant peace. Smallness meant giving no one reason to criticize or ridicule. Yet inside my heart were big things. Big ideas. Big feelings. The biggest thing kept locked deep within my mind and soul was truth. It had to be made the smallest of all.

  To survive.

  I am in the unenviable position of reflecting on how the smallness was forged. 

  I can't remember when being small became a way of life. It's always been with me. As a child, I didn't understand why it was so important to not appear big. I only knew my bigness would hurt others.

  Smile. Perhaps there needs to be some clarification. 

  A young and talented artist who had capabilities beyond her years at five slowly held those skills back. By the time she was seven, her work was on par with her classmates. 

  I remember clearly doing a drawing in Grade 2. The task was to use straight lines to create the image. A horse happy girl drew, of all things, a horse. I thoroughly enjoyed the challenge. The mare's tail was drawn with short, straight, ruler guided lines that created the arc and flow of hair.

  The teacher held it up to the class to show them what could be done with a straight line...and I cringed inside. (This memory is so incredibly vivid, I can even smell the chalk dust in the classroom.)

  I cringed because my work made others feel bad about their own.

  I think the teacher held up other pictures, ones that "cheated" by using curves.

  And so began a school life of mediocrity. I stayed small.

  It's sad to think a child would even think this way. 

  Bigness meant believing you were good at something. Bigness meant showing emotion. Bigness meant being smarter. It was believing you were beautiful. 

  I didn't understand why it was so important to hide the truth of who I was or what I could do. I only knew it was a punishable offence when the truth leaked out. 

  My lifetime partner of confusion set up residence. He was nurtured and fostered and encouraged to grow because the ones who were most threatened by bigness had none of their own. And as long as they pulled the strings, the horse happy little girl stayed small.

  For sixty years. 

  But now I have entered the stillness: the place of being big...of being true. 

  Smile. This bigness is not borne of conceit or arrogance. That sort of bigness is built on lies and deception.

  This bigness is a simple, grateful celebration in two small words: i am.

  

  

  

Into the Stillness

   So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water towards Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink, "Save me, Lord!" he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out a grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said, "Why did you doubt me?" Mathew 14:29-31

  I went to see my family for a couple of days. It was wonderful to spend time with them and my grandchildren.

  It's a long drive to get there, around three and half hours without breaks. I used the opportunity to listen and learn as much as possible about narcissism, the tactics used, and my own role in the destructive dance of control and capitulation. I am far wiser than when I left a couple of days ago. There are some great teachings on YouTube. Some are faith based. Some are not. And not all of them are great for sure.

  Half an hour before arriving home, I turned it all off. The brain can only handle so much at once. In the stillness of the car where the only sound was the hum of tires and the wind whispering past my window, a stillness enveloped my soul. A strength rose out the quiet. Everything I'd been listening to silenced the confusion I'd been struggling with.

  I thought about Peter getting out of the boat and realized what actually caused him to sink. It was confusion. He was confused by the reality of his senses. In most cases, in the middle of the sea, wind and waves meant he would drown. Even though he had his eyes on Jesus the whole time.

  Faith is entering into the way of Jesus to silence the limiting or even destructive power of our human perceptions of what is real and true. 

  I was raised by a storm. 

  Up until a couple of weeks ago, the wind and the waves had kept my head below water. Confusion was the author of every suffocated emotion, the ever present guilt, the self-doubt, the second-guessing of every decision ever made. That's the point. As long as the storm raged, I lost sight of Jesus. As long as the storm raged, I was helpless to see His outstretched hand. I was unable to step into the stillness He offered. Like Peter, I didn't have faith to see what His outstretched hand really meant.

  That stillness is clarity. The ability to see truth and live in that truth. It is being able to see beyond the storm no matter how violent. Stillness is what drowns out the thunder that once had me cowering in fear. Stillness allows me to see the gathering storm clouds and be prepared to face the onslaught. Not by running away or by making myself small again, but by standing still in the face of it.

 God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33

  I have had glimpses of it, in the art and in the writing. In doing these things, confusion was forced to step back. Truth came in glimpses of revelation and understanding. I cherished the stillness of it all, how focusing on one bit at a time brought peace and healing. 

  But I wasn't living in it. I was still in the boat.

  Jesus is so patient with us all.

  He kept calling, watching me dip my toes into the water only to yank my foot back into the false safety and familiarity of the boat. I had no idea how rotten the wood was.

  

  I don't know if any of this makes sense. All I know is that I didn't feel obligated to buy supper for my family last night as a thank you for allowing me to take up space in their lives. They were the ones who decided to order pizza rather than cook.

  That's a first. Not the pizza, but realizing they actually want me there and I don't owe them anything for it.

  Dear, sweet Jesus, create in me a new mind. One where confusion has no place. Grant me discernment and wisdom to see when the whispered lies, conditioning and old patterns try to steal the stillness and peace only Your presence can give. In Your precious name, AMEN!

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

Balance

   If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes form wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. Such things are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For where there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." James 3:13-16

  This morning's Scripture was found in a search for verses regarding walking away from a bad relationship. Scripture, some faith based YouTube videos and friends are helping me understand that it's okay to do this. The expression, "Let go and let God," finally makes sense.

  I have had to do some major repenting of my own in all of this. It was part and parcel of breaking the soul ties that bound me to my mom. It was a bond not founded in mutual love and respect but rather through control, ownership and oppression. It was a thoughtful, prayerful process and incredibly freeing. 

  I am grateful for the tender guidance of the Holy Spirit on this. And Google for providing the starting point for such a prayer.

  I have other things to repent of as well. As a believer, I thought I was doing the right thing by honouring my parent, by continuing to be in contact with her, by striving to make her happy. I realize now, I was simply waiting, filled with the false hope that she would change.  

  Her changing won't happen because of anything I previously did or didn't do. Only God can restore her. (Forgive me Lord, for trying.)

  Change begins with silence, with not playing the game any more. 

  Research into what it's like to be a narcissist has helped nurture some compassion and pity for the people who are like this. I can pity my mom because the only way of dealing with her own unfathomable inner pain and self loathing is to overpower and destroy anything that is better than she can either do or be. 

  They weaponize our love, our needs, our desires for relationship, our thoughts and ideas, and even our own identity and use it against us. They will not rest until we are utterly destroyed. 

  Narcissists are sick, sick people. Literally.

  It has been hard to face this truth about the woman who raised me. Seeing her need for power and the ensuing cruelty in action on a helpless, dying man was the tipping point.

  I once was blind but now I see. 

  The view isn't pretty.

  And a journey begins to extricate myself from the toxic lessons and automatic behaviours that are poison to my soul, heart and mind. I will ask for help from the Lord to increase my awareness when the autopilot is steering me the wrong way. 

  His way, the way of truth and life is the only path I want to walk on.

  It starts with grief. 

  Forgiveness will come in due time.

  

  

God's Blessing

   "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mathew 5:4

  It's been a long while since I sat here at the table. It's been a trying month. My step-dad passed away on July 29 in the early hours of the morning. His son was with him when he finally found peace. He had cancer but a series of falls in the previous month were what finally took him. Allan was 94. 

  The events leading up to Allan's, hospitalization are horrific beyond imagining. Enough so there was a coroner's inquest into suspected elder abuse by an elder. The only reason my mom wasn't charged was because Allan's son intervened and made allowances for my mom's age. She turned 92 yesterday.

  Nevertheless, I am here, faced with having to acknowledge a cold, hard truth. The woman who adopted and raised me is a pathological narcissist. It's only through the intervention and prayers of others that I am able to find a glimmer of pity for the woman who lost her husband of nearly 40 years.

  I have excused/justified and accepted her behaviour for years as coming from someone who was difficult to be with. It's only now do I realize the price that was paid to be in her presence. Once I was blind, but now I see. And it's left me reeling a bit.

  There was never a relationship with her. True of all narcissists, it's about power, control and possession. They will do or say anything to maintain the balance of power in their favour. Gaslighting is their weapon of choice. It's a cruel, cruel weapon that slowly strips their victim of their ability to trust the things they see or hear or feel or even think. 

  If a narcissist has done their job well, the one who has been broken smothers their own identity simply to keep the peace. It's a bitter peace, though, because the narcissist's voice becomes the one in your head. It is an ugly voice and a cruel master.

  I am going to get some therapy to overcome a lifetime of conditioning. Because not only was I raised by a narcissist, I spent 20 years with a spouse who was one as well. I am not surprised by this. He chose someone who was already broken in. 

  But I have a God who sees all things and will use all things for good. The terrible things that happened to Allan are what got him into the hospital and away from the cruelty of his wife. They are the things that made me realize my mom is a sick, sick woman. Her lies were exposed. The truth of her cruelty came into the light. The truth of what she is is utterly undeniable.

  It brought Allan's son, his daughter and myself closer than we had ever been before. 

  I know Allan is in heaven now. He was a good man with a deep and quiet faith. I am thankful he is free from the suffering he endured in his last days and months on earth. I am thankful he was free from pain in the end.

 His last words to me were, "Walk on." I thought he was talking about the song "You'll Never Walk Alone." I sang him the few words I could remember. This beautiful song became my anthem during the long days of waiting at the hospital. A couple of days after this lovely moment, I realized something. It wasn't about the song at all. His last words were a secret message, one he knew my mom wouldn't understand. He, my dad, was granting permission to walk away.

  I have had no contact with her since Allan's burial service on Tuesday. The guilt comes in waves. But that's her voice, not God's.

  In all the teaching about breaking free from a narcissistic relationship, the greatest weapon in my arsenal is silence. By not engaging, the narcissist is unable to utilize their own arsenal of gaslighting tactics to reassert control. 

  I have given her to God because only God can free her.

  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

Perspective

   "You are all children of the Most High." Psalm 82:6

  It's been a long while but seeing as the laptop is on the table, it feels like a good idea to do some writing. 

  It's out because I spent a couple of hours online with a Microsoft support agent in India. He fixed what turned out to be a pirated version of Office. I thought I'd bought it from a Microsoft store. However, their phone was out of service and emails to them were fruitless so the support tech went the extra mile to set things right. 

  The pirated version has been uninstalled and the correct product has been paid for and installed so there should be no more issues. He took care of everything because it was too much for my limited technology skills. I am in awe of his skill.

  When I first reached out via the chat feature, there were almost 70 people in the queue. It was going to take almost an hour for my turn to come up. It would have been easy to get ticked off and frustrated but what's the point? Considering the number of people on the planet, 70 is a small number. I was able to make a lemon loaf for tonight's home church while I waited.

  I'd also approached this with the full knowledge it would probably take some time to fix whatever was going on. Add in a slower speed of internet and, well, it takes extra time to do anything electronically. 

  So we ended up having a conversation to pass the time while we waited for downloads or uploads or whatever loads were needed. I got to know this stranger from half a world away a little bit. 

  

  So, perspective. 

  Based on some of his comments, being treated kindly is a rare event for a customer service rep. 

  It's not his fault I got scammed. That truth is hard to swallow because I thought I was being so careful. There's a few lessons learned because of it.

  Yah, a bargain isn't always a bargain. At least the loss was only what amounted to pocket change these days. It could have been much worse. There could have been all sorts of technological boogeymen installed along with the program but hey, if someone wants to steal knitting patterns and landscape photos then they hit the jackpot!

  

  But, because of being scammed, I got to know a stranger from half a world a way just a little bit.

  How wonderful is that!