Finding Joy

   "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13

  Joy. It's a concept that keeps coming to the forefront of interactions with others. This has been going on for a few weeks now. It is something my friends wish I could have. I know there are praying people interceding because right now, joy is far from my heart. Or is it? Is it as far away as I think?

   Lord? I know You are trying to show me something...teach me something. Help me see Your way in this because I am tripping over a three letter word that, to be honest, is terrifying.

  A very specific memory has also been brought to mind many times over the past month. In the grand scheme of things, it is such a little thing...

  It happened in middle school, a terribly awkward time of life. It's when the final verdict on your peer group was cemented and would follow you into high school. You know, the cool kids, the jocks, the nerds and the losers.

  There was a girl, one of the cool kids. She was tall, beautiful, smart and confident. I admit to being rather intimidated by her and, perhaps, a little jealous. I have no idea how I ended up walking home from school with her. It was unusual for someone like her to associate with the likes of me...somewhere between nerd and loser.

  When she invited me into her home I thought maybe, just maybe, this might mean things could be different. If she was my friend...For a brief and beautiful moment, I started to dream, to hope...

  She invited me into her bedroom after giving me a tour of the house. She showed me her makeup, jewelry, the posters on her wall and other things that are important to a pre-teen girl. It was all new to me.

  She opened a small pot of lotion, inviting me to smell the fragrance. Reluctantly, and under pressure from her, I put my nose up to it. She quickly shoved the jar into my nostrils, filling them with an overpowering, inescapable smell of sickly, chemical flowers.

  Stunned, I looked at her with tears in my eyes. She laughingly handed me a tissue.

 The tears weren't from the smell or clogged nostrils but she didn't know that.

  I didn't stay any longer but raced to the door to get my stuff and leave. She might have apologized once she realized just how upset I was but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't accept it. I just had to get away from her.

  So much for silly, girlish dreams.

  

  It was the same old story. People pretend to be your friend but only want to hurt you or want something from you regardless of the pain it might cause. And in my naivete I kept on hoping each time would be different. 

  But it never was. 

  Sitting here now, I can smell the lotion and feel the feels of a young girl's heart that broke a little more that day. Such a little thing. A prank of opportunity that happened a lifetime ago but it was just one more nail in the coffin containing the goodness of dreams, joy and hope.

  Denise, I can forgive you now. You didn't know the echoes of what you chose to do would haunt me for the rest of my life. You couldn't have known how broken I was already by the ways of the world and the monsters in the closet. You couldn't have known this black circle day was interwoven with a thousand others. You didn't know you were laying yet another strand of barbed wire. 

  And maybe I can be thankful she didn't know all this. That perhaps, she was spared such pain.

 I have never told a soul about that day. The shame was too great. Shame for being so gullible. Shame for even thinking my lot in life could be different. Shame for daring to believe it might be...

  I was so lost...blown about by the winds of despair and unutterable loneliness..

  But You found me, didn't You?

  Thank You, dear Lord, for bringing me peace today. The sharing has brought closure. 

  There's joy in being free to offer forgiveness no matter how long it takes. There's joy in being able to celebrate another's life; in being thankful for your own no matter how hard it's been. There's joy in the revelation of truth. There's joy in sitting here and offering it all up to the Lord.

  It's not the kind of joy that jumps and claps its hands, laughing. It's a joy that sits quietly on the soul, mind and heart, whispering terms of endearment and encouragement. 

  It is so beautiful...this joy that takes the labour of pain to bring it into being.