The Battle Goes On

   "I love them, but they try to destroy me with accusations even as I am praying for them! They repay evil for good and hatred for my love." Psalm 109:4

  Yah. The battle goes on but the Lord is ever faithful and leads me directly to the words that will guide and sustain me. All I need to do is open my Bible and my eyes fall on the appropriate scripture for the day. 

  I have continued to work on the letter to Him. So far it's over eleven pages long. A lot happened over a short period of time. Even though some of the days are mixed up, I feel it's more important to make note of important events before the memories fade. Time will do that. Sometimes.

  Sometimes events are seared onto the synapsis. Those are the kind of memories that wash over you in glorious technicolor. Sound, smell, light and shadow are forever captured in a 3D movie that plays over and over again. 

  I am trying hard to keep the emotions from taking over. But they often do. Understandably so. It really hasn't been that long since my step Dad went to Jesus. 

  I wish I had known him better. But mom never let him speak whenever I was there. Even if he tried, she would shut him down by interrupting and taking over the conversation. Even if she wasn't in the same room. I don't know how many times she told him he wasn't remembering something correctly. 

  After a while, he simply stopped trying to talk to anyone...

  I guess he was in his own cage.

  It's so sad. For all of us in the family. So much that could have been was lost. 

  It's easy to look back and wish things had been done differently. But how could they? When doing things differently means actually knowing there is a different way. 

 As late in life as it is for me, I finally understand it's possible to move forward on a different path. It won't be easy, but it is possible.

  Change can only happen when it is given permission to exist. 

  So whose permission do I need to change the rules of the game?

  1. God's.

  2. Mine.

  Whose permission don't I need.

  1. Mom's.

  I already have my step-Dad's permission to change the rules. "Walk On," he said. It means a lot, to have a father's blessing in this. 

  But, does "walk on" actually mean walk away?

  It would sure be easier. But is that what God wants me to do?

  At this point, I don't know. It gets confusing when Sunday sermons talk about forgiving and grace and all the good things we are to embody as believers. But how? How do I do this without returning to the cage?

  God's ability to love has no limits. But I am not God (smile)...so Lord, how do I show love, Your kind of love, to mom?

  Stop expecting, needing, her to change. Set limits and boundaries according to what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Define acceptable behaviour in terms of love, compassion, generosity, and kindness. Have zero tolerance for anything of the evil one, that reflects or attempts to inflict harm on someone else. Be on guard for misdirection, manipulation and dishonesty. 

  This is the short version of the heart of Jesus and all He stood for.

  Jesus helped me do this when Allan was dying. I stood up for one who could no longer protect himself. It's okay to keep doing this for not only others, but myself as well.  

  It's okay to hang up the phone if she refuses to honour these boundaries. It's okay to "walk on."

  This doesn't mean I have to call today. In time, perhaps. I have much to think about.