Obedience

  "If you keep My commandments, you will remain in My love." John 15:10

  "They (the scribes and Pharisees) tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger." Matthew 23:4

  There was another phone call. The arsenal of guilt and manipulation seasoned with a subtle fury was fully present. I am grateful for all the teaching. It has helped me become aware of what is actually being said, disguised as gentle and unassuming words. 

  The call was not an invitation to connect, it was an invitation to submit.

  I learned very early in life to pick up on the subtleties of voice and facial expressions. It is a survival technique survivors of any type of chronic abuse develop in order to survive. It is mastered to appease those who seek to maintain power and control. It becomes an ingrained instinct and second nature.

  That's what I am fighting. Ingrained habits are the hardest to break free from. This instinct was born out of fear.

  As a child, it's the fear of abandonment which is actually the withholding of love. 

  As an adopted child, it's the fear of being given away. 

  When my ex would come home from work, I could tell within seconds what his mood was.

  It's called eggshell walking.

  Did you know eggshells are good for the garden? Roses especially.

  Oh, how I love redemption. I love it especially when the devil's dirty tools turn into keys.

  God is using an ability that kept me in my place to teach me what it means to be free.

  I had a discussion with my therapist about what it means to be obedient to God as opposed to the kind of obedience demanded from the authority figures in my life. 

   A long while back, I needed to get some groceries. It was a task I disliked immensely so it kept being put off. All of a sudden, the urgent need to "Go now!!!!!" filled every bone and sinew in my body. I threw on my runners, grabbed my purse, jumped in the car and raced off to the store.

  Where I parked, a woman was sitting and weeping in her car. I watched her for a couple of minutes, gathering courage to reach out to a stranger. I had my own reasons for doing so, too. 

  "Are you okay?"

  We chatted briefly. I offered to go for a coffee but she turned me down. That's okay. I was a stranger, too.

  Years before, I was in her place, sitting in my car weeping...hoping someone would knock on my window and speak to me. I desperately wanted some sort of human connection.

  No one did. 

  But I got to do it for someone else in pain.

  I often wonder what would have happened had I not obeyed. Did God have a back up plan? Or was I it? Maybe He will tell me the end of the story when I see Him some day. Maybe I'll even meet her again.

  Obeying God is done through choice. It is a place of blessing, not imprisonment. It is a place of hope, not suffocation. It is a place of truth, not lies. 

  Obeying God is a journey into a living, breathing, life giving life. 

  Now, if I could only get better at it...smile.

  And AMEN!