Patience

   "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

  In preparation for my family Christmas celebration this weekend, I spent several hours in the kitchen preparing desserts. That's my usual contribution to such things. While measuring, mixing and baking, I listened to some more from Jordan Peterson.

  This time it was about being in a relationship with a narcissistic spouse. 

  I don't use this label lightly. It merely identifies the tactics of the one who would destroy us. 

  It was hard to listen to Jordan's description of what happens to the person who is at the mercy of someone who uses narcissistic tactics. It was almost as though he was telling my story, word for word, incident by incident. 

  Then he said, "And you know what he does when you are utterly and completely broken? He leaves." 

  And the iron band wrapped around my heart. Again.

  When we first started going out, the warning signs were there but because of the lessons learned in childhood, I ignored the red flags. I didn't know any better. I didn't know I could.

  It's rather sad but you know something? I am free. He is not.

  It's safe to acknowledge the enemy's trap goes both ways when all things are considered but, for now, my focus is on my own evolution away from the things that once held me captive; an evolution brought about by my Lord. He is the way out.

  One of the hardest challenges is keeping a victim mentality under control. I try and most of the time it's successful but every once in a while, I have to allow the victim voice to speak freely. Otherwise, it just simmers in the background. That's not healthy. Neither is allowing the victim voice to run the show.

  I just realized something, her voice is the sound of pen on paper or the click of keys. It's the sound of a paintbrush being swished in a glass of water.

  And I am guilty of shutting her out because to hear what she has to say is to finally admit I am one hurting puppy. Today, anyways.

  I suppose I am not the only one to ever ask God, "Why me?"

  And on the heels of that I know deep with my soul it's because there is a terrible evil in this world named narcissism. A creature that seeks to overpower and destroy anything that is good and innocent. All because the people that do its work are broken beyond belief and suffocated by fear. The only self worth they can find is in power and control.

  It's a battle only the Lord can win. If they choose His way.

  And out of the ashes of victimhood, I can find pity for them. 

  I just don't need to play by their rules anymore.