Gears

  "Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful." Psalm 69:16

  The idea of gear wheels has been rolling around in my head. Imagine if you will, a machine that stretches into perpetuity. Some of the wheels, connected by shafts, spin faster as they progress into smaller and smaller wheels. The larger ones spin ponderously around the edges of time. 

 When I was on the farm, part of my duties come hay season was to make sure all the gear bearings on the haybine (mower) and baler were amply greased. Without grease, they would overheat and the machine would seize. It was an unpleasant job involving crawling around underneath with a hand held grease gun to reach all the grease nozzles.

  I was fascinated by the mechanics of the old, circa 1950's square baler we used for a while: how it picked up the hay, fed it into a chute where a hammer would compress it into a square. The string would wrap around it. Well greased, metallic fingers tied a knot. A sharp knife cut the string and a bale of hay was made. Whoever invented it was a genius!

  The days spent hauling it around the hayfield helped me gain an intimate knowledge of the sounds and motion associated with the task. Sixty beats a minute: that's the speed the baler was timed to. Faster and the knots wouldn't have time to tie. Slower, and the hay didn't feed fast enough to make a solid bale.

  Lord? Where are You going with this?

  I can feel the anxiety spiking just thinking about it. There's a great deal of sadness for the woman who took on so much only to discover it was never enough. It was never going to be enough. 

  

  Maybe that's why I am struggling so much to accept my mental health challenges. All the grease in the world isn't going to fix worn out, broken toothed gears. But, does this make me "less than?"

  

  (There was a long pause as this question sank in.)

  If the things I do or cannot do define my worth, then I've missed the point of Jesus! 

  It means I am not walking in the faith, grace, patience and acceptance of Christ because the "less than" gears are making a lot of noise. In fact, the "less than" gear is the one which has powered the mental and emotional machine for a long time.

  It needs to be replaced. But here's the thing, it's had lots of maintenance over the years. The "less than" gear has been polished, repaired, shored up, and greased. So Lord? How do we shut it down?

  Whenever maintenance people work on powered machinery, there is a lock switch to prevent it from being accidentally turned on when they are working on it. I like this idea. 

  It's time to lock this puppy down and reroute the power supply: the one that comes from standing secure in the belief that I am enough, just as I am. 

  

  Lord, this is a boundary thing, isn't it? Help me be quick to use the power of a lock switch whenever I start to feel "less than." Help me stand firm whenever someone's actions, attitudes or choice of words tries to grease the gears. In Your Name I pray, AMEN!