Decompression

   "The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding." Isaiah 40:28

  Where to start? Smile...I did a quick search to try and find the right words for describing the second most constant thing in a human being's life. God is the first constant. The second is change. 

  There has been a great deal of change lately: external things I have no control over even though they impact a great deal of my life. 

  There's been a lot happening at church. The Meeting House has folded as of September 1, not surprisingly although their closure came about because of an inability to get the proper insurance they needed. Please, pray for them as all the sites seek out the Lord's guidance on next moves. 

  This includes us although we are at an advantage because, even though we identified as a Meeting House site and utilized their resources, we were like a cousin. We have always been an independent, self governing body. With the closure, this has been to our advantage because everything is already in place for us to rebrand and move forward.

  We will still be part of the Anabaptist denomination. That's not changing. Just our name. We are now called Common Ground Church. The name was announced a couple of weeks ago after a team worked hard to come up with a name that is welcoming to all. It's a good name.

  There will still be home church aka Bible study. This is what had really thrown me for a loop. The group I attended was led by elders who have decided to step down from this role. I get it. They've been leading the group for years. I thought it had been cancelled altogether.

  Deciding where to go was hard. It takes a massive amount of effort to get involved with unfamiliar people in a new environment. Yes, I know them from church and all of them are lovely people, it's just...well...it takes me a long time to feel safe with others. To say I was devastated that the group I had been attending was no longer an option is a bit of an understatement. 

  I wasn't even sure I was going to join a group because, right now, I simply don't have it in me to start anew. This last med reduction is taking a huge toll. Even church was too much to face this morning. 

   My friend texted some good news when she got there. Even though there will be a change in who's leading the old group, most the people who have always attended are continuing to go. After reading the text, tears of relief and gratitude filled my eyes because I know it is a safe space. I don't have to go to war against the primal survival instincts that are always on overdrive. The Lord had heard my prayers.

  

  It's been an emotional few days packed full of realizations about the illness I live with every day, about the toll it takes on my body and mind. Skipping church today was a kindness rarely exercised when it comes to my own well being. I simply don't want the anxiety to win, to steal the good things in life from me.

 Today, I had to take of my Wonder Woman underwear and just be me: anxious, uncertain, fearful and overwhelmed. Had I gone to church, all of this would have escalated and, to be honest, I am really tired of how much energy it takes to spend time in a busy world.

  Lord, thank You for this day. Help it become a true day of rest. Help me find peace in Your arms. AMEN.

PS: I know the Lord tells us not to be anxious. I've wrestled terribly with the idea that being this way is utterly sinful. I've finally come to terms that my anxiety is not something any sort of conscious decision could change. Lord? How good are You at performing lobotomies?