Depression

   "Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:3-5

  The last few weeks have been spent trying to come to terms with what it means to live with complex PTSD. I guess the meds had helped tone the symptoms down for years. Having them become so prevalent makes life challenging but I am determined to stay off the meds.  

  I am not anti-medication. They have been a huge help in getting me this far so I am grateful they exist. The risk simply outweighs their benefit at this point in my life. I don't want to end up with permanent neurological damage! Weight gain is one thing but that? Even my doctor wants me off of it. He's a good doctor.

  Which leads me to the need to find balance and a way to keep moving forward in spite of the challenges which face me every time I leave the house.

  

  I was walking through the grocery store. There was a man walking just behind me. He was a big guy in construction apparel, striding purposefully towards whatever object had brought him to the store. I couldn't see him out of the corner of my eye so I found myself turning my head just enough to keep tabs on where he was.  Eventually, I stopped walking and let him stride ahead.

  I was afraid. For no reason. The adrenaline rush of the fight/flight response had me on red alert.

  Logically, I knew he wasn't a threat but the problem is I am not working with the logical part of my brain. 

  If only it was that simple. 

  So I find myself feeling very depressed the last couple of days. I can't begin to describe how exhausting it is leaving the house for just this reason. When you are in public, people are behind you and the internal whispers start, "Not safe? Watch out! Danger is nearby! GET READY TO RUN!!!" My chest tightens, the primal brain takes over and everything becomes surreal. 

  It explains why I have such a hard time remembering names because when I meet someone new, this auto response goes into overdrive. 

  Thank You, Lord, for helping me understand what I thought was a short coming. It has nothing to do with not caring about a person's name or what they have to say. It's simply because the logical, thinking, memory forming brain synapses are on standby until the risk of interacting with someone new is over.

  I think part of the depression is not knowing how to stop this from happening. Heck, if I knew that, I'd be able to heal everyone who lives with PTSD! 

  Hmmm...what if I simply say, "God is here. You are safe."

  Duh...why does it take me so long to realize prayer can do what I can't!

  Lord? Forgive me for believing I have to fix this on my own. (We need to talk about why I keep doing this. I think there's some more repenting needs to happen.)  Forgive me for not turning to You for solutions. Thank You for Your patience. Thank You for providing this prayer of protection. Help me remember to say it as often as I need. In Jesus' most Holy Name, I pray. AMEN!

  PS...I am going to make a bracelet with this prayer on it! That way I have it as a constant reminder. That's better than writing it with ballpoint pen on my hand.

  Oh, I am nowhere near as depressed as when I started writing. It feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted. Maybe that's because it has!