Further Realisations

   "But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives." Jeremiah 17:10

  Many ghosts have been stirred up: echoes of the past. They are a noisy bunch, reminding me of missed opportunities, reminding me of the decades of silence...ironic, that, how noisy silence can become.

  So I have no idea where today's writing will go. Lord, I surrender the keyboard to You...

  Let's start with a small confession. Yesterday's blog has left me rather uneasy. Cricket is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under our feet because yesterday was a day of standing up for myself. Grown up me knows it was the right thing to do. 

  Why is this so hard? 

  I know the answer. The ghosts do, too. I wish they'd just shut up.

  Many years ago, I had a series of three appointments with a psychiatrist. This was before the Lord blessed me with a really good one who has supported me for years; one who is very, very careful using any sort of medication. 

   At the time, my medication had been changed in the hospital so these three appointments were simply follow up with the sole purpose of monitoring the situation as the dosage was slowly increased. The point behind follow up is in case there are any adverse side effects.

  The newly prescribed antidepressant had the extremely unpleasant side effect of causing suicidal ideation. More irony and is not uncommon in antidepressants. It was bad. It was constant to the point I was reluctant to slice a piece of cheese, afraid the knife would turn on me. This was one of the nicer ideas. 

  I told him about this and his response was to say I simply had to get used to it. For six months I tried. Nothing changed. 

  The third and final appointment came to a close with no resolution, no change in the side effects. Increasing the dose had only made it worse. 

  The doctor scribbled his notes and without even looking at me or saying a word, pointed his finger at the door. Our ten minute session was done.

  I staggered out of the office and leaned against the wall, utterly defeated. The tears poured down my cheeks because he had reminded me I was invisible, that my needs were of no consequence and that I had no voice. 

  I bet he treated his dog far better.

 

  If memory serves me right, a few months later I was back in the hospital. Once again, due to incompatible medication. They can drive you crazy. So can the ideation when you know it isn't you!

  I wish I had gotten angry. I wish I had grabbed the doctor's notes and threw them into his face. I wish I had...I am glad I didn't. Being arrested would have only made things worse.

  But that would have meant challenging authority and that, my friends, was a bold DO NOT DO! EVER!

  Lord, I will choose to forgive this doctor for the damage he caused and continues to cause. I am not alone in my experiences with him. He is still practicing and inflicting terrible pain on the vulnerable and sick.

  While I am still terribly angry at the injustice, I am also aware of how much I continue to justify his treatment: his culture's attitudes towards women, he was burnt out, he was having a bad day, he was overworked...maybe he had a poor sleep the night before...maybe he had to use the bathroom...

  It's what I do. It's what lets people continue to treat me with no respect. I let them think it's okay by telling myself it's okay. 

  So that's why today I am unsettled. There's a whole lot of unexpressed anger simmering beneath the surface. The hot, glowing embers of silence are waiting to be fanned into a full on maelstrom of flames.

  This is not healthy.

  Lord? Help me understand the line in the sand. Help me understand when it is okay to turn over tables. Help me understand where and when the other cheek is to be offered. Help me overcome the fires. In Your most precious and Holy Name I pray. AMEN!