New Wineskin

  “…Jesus himself was suddenly standing there among them. ‘Peace be with you,’ he said.” Luke 24:36

  I could use some peace this morning. It was a night of dreams. One was a love dream. I’ve had them before where I was in the company of a man, talking, walking, holding hands, and having a coffee together. It was all so innocent and delightful. My heart ached with love for him and I felt safe; safer than I had ever felt before.

  I don’t know why I woke up. Maybe the intensity of the emotions was too much to bear. It’s not like it was a nightmare but the moment I opened my eyes, a deep and profound loneliness swept into my soul. A few tears trickled down my face as I realized it was all a dream and I was all alone. Very alone.

  So here I am, writing about it, still feeling the loss. There’s an empty space in my heart where love had filled it to bursting. The love ache has become one of deepest longing.

  It’s not the first time this particular dream has invaded my sleep. I am left wondering this morning if it is prophetic, that one day such a man will come into my life. Is it a promise from God? Or is it simply a need I normally lock away having a say? Only God knows for sure.

  The belonging longing. It’s how God made us. For each other.

  I have assumed the man in the dream was just a man, albeit a special one. Yet I am left wondering if I was dreaming of Jesus. Which brings about another admission, I know Jesus should be more than enough, that He never leaves me, but perhaps the dream is a confession that I long for some love, some companionship, with skin on it.

  Am I ready for such a relationship? I say no. And there’s a gazillion reasons…each and every one of them is rooted in fear. But such reasons have no place in the Kingdom of God.

  Lord, I lift all of this up to You, trusting You have my best interests at heart. Despite my fears, I offer up a willingness to at least consider the idea of having a man in my life. I trust You to guide me, lead me, and be with me as I let go of the fears…

  Hmmm…I’ve used fear to build a “safety cage”, a perimeter wall surrounding my heart. It’s far easier to maintain this than to open the door, to risk being hurt...to risk loving. I know it will take time for the practices of the last fifteen, solo, years to be broken. Grant me patience with the process.

  Lord, thank You for revealing the prison I have made for myself. Help me let go of the last shreds of bitterness and anger and fear. This particular wineskin has outlived its purpose! Let me forgive the men in my past that did such harm once and for all. Lord, set me free! AMEN!