Understanding by Susan L.

  Anger is a secondary emotion, a symptom of something much bigger beneath the surface. It's kind of like an iceberg, at least that's how I felt after I took the time to think about my over-reaction to the lawn mower incident. God is ever faithful. He led me into truth.
   Getting my hands covered in greasy oil was a huge trigger. Even the cloying, chemical smell of it took me into the past. I've mentioned before it was my job to get the haying equipment ready. That involved greasing all the moving parts as well as hooking up and re-fuelling the tractor. (Done by climbing up on the tire with a huge gas can to pour it in the tank.) Even if my ex was home, it still fell on my shoulders because...because I accepted it...because he didn't have a clue about where the grease had to go. He never asked or cared to find out. He had me.
  Tears are pricking at my eyes.
  The summer of his infidelity, the starter went on the old tractor. He left me with a screwdriver to start it by touching some electrical part on the motor. It can be dangerous. Part of the anger is also directed at my ex-brother-in-law who lived with us for the last two years of my marriage. A mechanic by trade, changing the starter wouldn't have been that difficult. Both men failed to provide a safe machine before they left for overseas. It wasn't an important enough issue.
  I feel sorry for the woman I was, so trapped in doing what was asked no matter what it was; who was a timid mouse afraid of her own shadow. My heart goes out to the woman who put on a brave and happy face to the world. It's no wonder I was severely depressed.
 There's anger because I deserved better. There's anger because (yes this is stereotyping) it was me out there on Wednesday struggling with a rusty bolt...There's anger because I am alone.
  As I said, the tip of the iceberg. There's anger because of the injustice; because of the men who failed to treat me with the care I deserved. There's anger because I didn't feel I deserved anything better.
  And an internal rusty bolt has come loose.
  It's about time. The lawn mower explosion has opened a dialog of deeper honesty with my God. Yes, the good Christian thing is to forgive. Right now, this opening up of anger and grief is still too raw. This is new territory. I trust in time I will be able to fully forgive everything with God's grace to help me.
  "In those days and in that time," says the Lord, "The children of Israel shall come, they and the children of Judah together; with continual weeping they shall come, and seek the Lord their God." Jer 50:4