Injustice is a good word. Unfair, unwarranted, undeserved are others. Sad is in there, too. Regret, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. There's a wish that somehow things could have, should have turned out better, different.
Loss is a big part of it as well. Not that things were great, they were far from it. To the point of being toxic. I guess this is because another Norman Rockwell fantasy went down the toilet. I use him because of his idyllic illustrations of domestic, perfect middle class lives. Pure fantasy that the majority of us could never live up to.
In a way they are a cruel mockery of the reality of life, of marriage, of family.
And I can feel the taste of unwanted bitterness and jealousy seeping into my mouth like biting on tinfoil. Forgive me, Lord, in my heart I know I am blessed by Your grace. It's just that this little ole human is in a bit of a funk...
You've got me out of them before.
I could use some help to shed these death shrouds that somehow have returned to my shoulders. I really don't want to wear them anymore. I am tired of the past grabbing and dragging me back into things that are no longer relevant. The joys of PTSD...like walking around with a loaded gun pointed at the heart and mind.
More than anything I want to be free, I just don't know the way...
Yes, I do. Forgive, forgive, forgive and keep forgiving. The mouth has the power to change the heart. So I will. Again and again until none of this matters any more.
"Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth and the life." Jn 14:6
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The Robes
"Coming up behind Jesus, she (the woman who had bled for 12 years) touched the fringe of His robe." Luke 9:44 And she was heal...
I too have battled with the bitterness of my current situation: a dysfunctional husband which resulted in a failed marriage, a damaged family, financial vulnerability, and loneliness. The answer lies in the Love of God. We can't perform our way out of these griefs, as in forgiveness. We can only plunge ourselves in the waters of God's love and let Him wash us clean of our pain and our broken (sinful) thinking. When we live surrounded by God's Love, He heals, He changes, He redeems.
ReplyDeleteYou are loveable. And you are loved.
Thanks, H.
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